I think this may be my last post for a while. I just don't see the point of doing this anymore. What I am writing has no real interest for me and I don't have the motivation to do anything at the moment. Things just go in one ear and out the other, I'm trying to get ahead in my course so that I have the breathing space needed to actually understand the information I'm taking in and yet I do enjoy the actual process of studying in fact I'm really happy sitting there with the books piled up around me and writing notes on what I have read, the problem is that I just can't take the information in.
Anyway that's not important, but I think I may take a few days/weeks off from doing this and just try and sort out my head or just ignore it all and continue in my normal frame of mind. I'll just have to wait and see.
So I may be back sometime soon, but don't count on it.

Today I have Been...

...starting my next course two weeks early!
...sleeping at random times due to the exhaustion I have felt at starting my next course.
...wondering what the hippo that lives in the airing cupboard eats.
...realising that I need more sleep!

Random Rant

It's funny how I want to use this as a place to rant about things, when normally I would just keep them all inside. I suppose that since I am sure that very few people even read it I feel that I have the freedom to let my annoyances out.

But a positive has come out of today, the fact that I think I can now account for why I have been feeling so bad and down. The main reason is the bleeping course that I am doing, I just dislike it so much which for some reason makes me feel guilty, and then I get stressed, and then the downward spiral continues until I get to this point which is more or less just give up on everything and hide away in a little corner and not talk to anyone. If it wasn't for the fact that I can't sleep, I would be spending most of my time asleep as at least there I am safe and happy without anything to worry about. And more importantly I don't have to face reality.

I started the course with good intentions and a real feeling of excitement and yet now a few months down the line I just feel like I am rubbish and worthless. It seems so stupid but for some reason, even though I'm getting OK marks I have no belief in what I am doing. To me it just seems to be total rubbish, and I just don't understand what the course is looking for. So I get stressed and I have only one way to deal with stress which isn't exactly the most healthy way. And I suppose what also gets to me is my own inability to say that I need help and to ask others for it, as I just feel like I would be interrupting with something trivial that they would laugh about.

My grip on people is really shaky at times, I guess it's to do with the fact that I don't want to be rejected which is also the reason why I don't want to do this current TMA. Well there you go, I seemed to have found the basic reason why I don't like the course at the moment. So writing here does help me, well that's another plus point for the day!

Just re-reading through what I have written makes me realise that I do just use this to go on about whatever is bothering me but even though I've written it down I just can't let it go. For some reason the thoughts and feelings just remain stuck inside me but that's just part of my personality that really needs to change. but like everything I do I start with good intentions that just fall to the side after a wee while as I just can't find the motivation to keep going. Like this course, the only reason I'm still doing it is because I'm so close to the end that giving up now seems pointless. But I suppose in some ways if it was easy to give up then I would, but I can't and so I will see it through and just hope that I am able to pass it.

There really isn't anything positive to write about tonight so I guess I will stop before I get too stuck within my own stupid misery.