Boxes

Why can't a person just be a person? Why must we define people by their sexuality or religion or race? Maybe I do live in a naive little world, but to me everyone is a human being and as long as what they believe isn't illegal or dangerous to anyone and they don’t force it down my throat, then nothing else really matters. I really couldn't care less about where the people were coming from as long as they were pleasant and courteous to everyone, but apparently that is impossible within this world. It almost seems as if everyone in this world is hung up on putting people into boxes., and for what good? No-one ever just fits into one box more often than not they are a combination of two or three and yet this seems to scare people and make it difficult for them.

I suppose I just like the idea of a world where everyone would base their feelings about another on personality rather than anything else, but this isn't possible it is just a dream utopia, and that is sad. But then again what do I know about anything, it just feels so weird to live in a world that seems to be made up of boxes, and that was always part of the reason why people found me difficult at school as they couldn't place me into a definable box and so I was placed into the one labelled “freak” which I tend to think of as a compliment.

There is a part of me that just wants to walk away from the online element of the OU as it seems to be such a complex micro-world which has its own rules and regulations that I just can't understand. I don’t post because I am frightened as to how other people will react. And if some of the threads I have been reading recently are anything to go by then maybe I have the right idea about the whole thing. the problem isn't that I don’t want to post but more the fact that I feel that whatever I post will just be ridiculed or ignored, and I really don’t see the point in contributing to something that is so obviously over my head and even cliquey. Now don’t get me wrong I'm sure that if I actually plucked up the courage and posted then I would be made welcome but when you first enter into a conference there is just a mass of postings all from people who seem to know each other well, and you almost feel as if you're wandering into a private conversation that is being held. And if you don’t have the confidence to just wade in then you find yourself stuck on the edge, and just looking in and watching rather than taking part.

I don’t have the people skills to really deal with conversations that involve more than one person, and so these mass postings where each conversation involves numerous people just leaves me feeling confused as I just can't really keep track of who said what and what they mean. And there is the even bigger disadvantage in the fact that you can't see the body language of a person when they post something, which to me is the most important thing, it is the way I judge what a person is trying to say, if their being funny or serious and the tone of voice is also important for the same reasons. And so I sit on the outside looking in reading posts and contributing out-loud to my empty room, rather than engaging others in conversation.

The nail rubs the skin,
Layer after layer gone,
And then the pain comes.

The little folk inside my computer!

I spend an inordinate amount of time each day reading through various forums within the OU and it’s amazing how you come to think of the contributors as little people who live inside the computer. You begin to forget that they have faces and voices and instead you think of them in terms of colour and font. So much so that when someone else uses those which are particular to one person you get confused, and wonder why they are posting under another name! But it is true, there is this element there that makes me believe that these people don’t actually exist outside the forums, and yet I know that they must, as how else are these messages getting posted? Unless the whole thing is just a figment of my imagination, and in fact I only think that I am reading posts, and it is just an elaborate hoax. Hmm that seems slightly paranoiac and worrying.
I know that I don't really post in forums, mainly because I don't know what to say, and also because at time they do feel like a clique. Everyone seems to know everyone else, and in some forums ignore or deride the newbies. But then again other forums seem to welcome them with open arms, (especially if they come bearing chocolate!)
But the forums do act as another world, it is almost as if as soon as you set foot in them you are taken out of the real world and placed into this world where yes things happen but on the whole is full of fun laughter and silliness. Which is what i love about it, if I am having a bad day, just lurking and reading posts in certain forums cheers me up, or sometimes makes me realise that I don't have it that bad, and maybe I should stop complaining about my minor problems and be grateful that there isn't anything more serious wrong with me.
But the best thing about it is the fact that you see/hear all these folk who are having fun and enjoying themselves and it makes the world seem a little less scary and a lot more fun.