An apology of sorts.

Having just sat and read through all my posts I feel an apology is in order to anyone who bothers to read this nonsense. All I seem to do is just repeat the same old things in different ways, it is obvious that I have not moved one inch further forward within my life, in fact of anything I've managed to take an even bigger step backwards. So I am sorry for writing all this nonsense, and

who controls my thoughts? I know I have mentioned this before but I'm getting almost paranoid about why I think certain things. Especially as there doesn't seem to be any reason for me to think them. I am a lucky person, I have a family who loves me and takes care of me, I have a roof over my head and food whenever I want. And yet I feel incomplete, like something is missing within me, a feeling or a reaction which has been switched off and I don't know what it is. I don't even know if that makes sense, but some days I just feel weird, and I really can't think of a better word for it. I feel on edge like I am constantly waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. But then again I can feel often feel this way when it is windy as it is tonight.

I'm going to shut up now and try to relax and just get some sleep, and I'm sorry for all the long rambling posts, one day I will sort my head out just not today.

Oh yeah and the clocks go back tonight, which might help me sort out my sleep pattern or just really confuse me.

Stuck in a labyrinth

Would anyone notice if I wasn't here?

It's just that some days I wish I could just stop the world for a couple of hours, just to give myself a break from the relentless toil and worries that infiltrate my brain each day. It has been so long since I last pondered this question and in some ways it worries me, not because I am thinking it but because I am unsure if I am actually thinking it if that makes any sense.
I no longer know how I feel about things, I don't test myself instead I just want to sit, alone in the silence and descend into the dream-world that I have built up, where everything is safe and I am in total control over what happens.

Do you ever wonder if the thoughts you have are actually yours?

It's just that as I write this I don't know where these thoughts are coming from, if they are real or just how I think I should be thinking. I feel trapped within my own mind and its like a labyrinth and I just can't find the way out. I keep walking down the dead ends over and over, trapped within the twilight and unsure which path to take next. The walls are high and beyond them I can hear the voices of others having fun and enjoying themselves, but I walk around unseen, just a ghostly presence who lets itself be known by the sound of sobs that catch in the back of my throat as yet another dead end is reached and another fear looms up out of the dark sending me scurrying back along the twisting paths in desperation. Running to get away from the things that lurk in the dark, waiting patiently for me to walk into their traps so they can capture me, and take over my mind, leaving me looking out at a world which I can no longer take part in. And the longer they reside within me, controlling me, the less fight I have to give, I begin to fade into the darkness and soon I will cease to fully exist. I will be nothing more than an empty shell, all personality lost and all confidence broken, and then the fears will let me back in control, leaving me to collect the fragile pieces of my mind and begin the never ending task of placing them back together. Silently screaming in frustration as the light falters and all that's left is the faint glimmer of hope in which I have to construct the puzzle made of identical pieces, each the same shape and colour with no indication as to which one should be placed first. A task that can never be completed, in which I am always doomed to fail, unless someone should appear and offer to help, seeing the pattern that exists but to which I am blind. Helping me in the task, guiding my hands as they shake with apprehension, giving me the support and comfort I need to complete the task to the point where I can finally find the exit to my personal labyrinth and finally step out into the world that lies beyond.

Again with the Ramblings!

It really does amaze me how at this time of night my thoughts always turn to the negative points in my life. I suddenly find myself gripped with guilt at something I did years ago. The entire scene plays out in my mind and in the case of tonight's thoughts I realise that I am this horrible person. I never even apologised for what I did, instead I justified it as my way of extracting myself from a friendship that was doing me more harm than good, and yes that is true but I also ended up hurting someone who really didn't need her friends treating her badly. She needed someone to be there for her and she trusted me, she considered me to be her best friend, and yet I threw that away and I probably hurt her badly at a time when she needed me the most.

I was going to argue why I acted this way but that's a cop-out, there is no real justification for what I did. I am a worthless human being, maybe that is why I am suffering like I am, it just that old idea of what goes around comes around and I must suffer for what I have done. And OK what I did wasn't terrible but it was bad enough, but I know if someone did to me what I did to her it would really hurt me.

Maybe it's just tiredness talking but I can't help but feel that all I have done so far in my life is cause others hurt and stress. I just can't do anything right and I'm stuck, I felt this way when I was 13 and nothing much has changed except my age. I still have no self-confidence or self-worth and I still can't believe that I will ever amount to anything in this world. The thing is I just don't understand this world, I have no knowledge or understanding of anything. I become obsessive about things, I can never just let anything go I have to carry it around and let it fester within me. I know that I am stuck within a frame of thinking that isn't healthy and yet I don't think that I have the courage or ability to change it.

I will say one last thing, if nothing else I am tired of being this way, and I guess that is a good sign as maybe it means I am finally ready to do something about it. I almost want to make a promise that I will only post positive things here from now on, but I think that may end up with me only posting intermittently or not at all. But that would mean that I would go back to the old way of keeping this bottled up. At least if I write here I feel like I am telling someone else but that in itself makes me feel guilty, as what right do I have to spout this feeble nonsense when there are others in this world going through worse times than me.

There is nothing really that bad about my life except for my own inability to face up to and deal with the random nonsense that my brain seems to take as concrete fact. And I don't mean to belittle (?) agoraphobia, and I do know that it is a very difficult thing to over come, but I can't help but get annoyed at myself for ending up this way. Looking at my life from an objective point of view I can't see the reason behind my problems, maybe it is just that my brain got wired wrong and I then made matters worse by my actions in my late teens.

Right I'm going to try and get some sleep now and hopefully everything will seem better in the morning, or if nothing else at least I will be able to distract my brain from these thoughts.

Words

I can't find the words to say what I want, I struggle to compose a complete thought. I want to be able to describe what I feel and yet it's always the same deal. It doesn't change it's always the same I just keep repeating the same old thing. Nothing changes I can't move forward, I want to continue but the moment is gone. Unless I can change things will remain the same, which is a huge shame. I want to be able to function as normal, I want to be free, to just be me. I am individual I have my own thoughts.

I don't want to compete I want to be complete.