Again with the Ramblings!

It really does amaze me how at this time of night my thoughts always turn to the negative points in my life. I suddenly find myself gripped with guilt at something I did years ago. The entire scene plays out in my mind and in the case of tonight's thoughts I realise that I am this horrible person. I never even apologised for what I did, instead I justified it as my way of extracting myself from a friendship that was doing me more harm than good, and yes that is true but I also ended up hurting someone who really didn't need her friends treating her badly. She needed someone to be there for her and she trusted me, she considered me to be her best friend, and yet I threw that away and I probably hurt her badly at a time when she needed me the most.

I was going to argue why I acted this way but that's a cop-out, there is no real justification for what I did. I am a worthless human being, maybe that is why I am suffering like I am, it just that old idea of what goes around comes around and I must suffer for what I have done. And OK what I did wasn't terrible but it was bad enough, but I know if someone did to me what I did to her it would really hurt me.

Maybe it's just tiredness talking but I can't help but feel that all I have done so far in my life is cause others hurt and stress. I just can't do anything right and I'm stuck, I felt this way when I was 13 and nothing much has changed except my age. I still have no self-confidence or self-worth and I still can't believe that I will ever amount to anything in this world. The thing is I just don't understand this world, I have no knowledge or understanding of anything. I become obsessive about things, I can never just let anything go I have to carry it around and let it fester within me. I know that I am stuck within a frame of thinking that isn't healthy and yet I don't think that I have the courage or ability to change it.

I will say one last thing, if nothing else I am tired of being this way, and I guess that is a good sign as maybe it means I am finally ready to do something about it. I almost want to make a promise that I will only post positive things here from now on, but I think that may end up with me only posting intermittently or not at all. But that would mean that I would go back to the old way of keeping this bottled up. At least if I write here I feel like I am telling someone else but that in itself makes me feel guilty, as what right do I have to spout this feeble nonsense when there are others in this world going through worse times than me.

There is nothing really that bad about my life except for my own inability to face up to and deal with the random nonsense that my brain seems to take as concrete fact. And I don't mean to belittle (?) agoraphobia, and I do know that it is a very difficult thing to over come, but I can't help but get annoyed at myself for ending up this way. Looking at my life from an objective point of view I can't see the reason behind my problems, maybe it is just that my brain got wired wrong and I then made matters worse by my actions in my late teens.

Right I'm going to try and get some sleep now and hopefully everything will seem better in the morning, or if nothing else at least I will be able to distract my brain from these thoughts.