Things

I'm feeling quite proud of myself today, as not only have I nearly finished my next assignment thingy but I also went for a walk and sat outside enjoying the sun.
But what did cheer me up today was the package that came in the post. It was filled with pens and paper in preparation for my next course, and there was just something so exciting about brand new empty ad of paper that just really cheers me up. Not to mention the many colours of pens that I have got. But to be honest I always get excited when I know that something will be arriving soon.
In fact when I got the course books for my next O.U. course, I got a little bit overexcited and wanted to start the course immediately, and just forget about the last one. But I think this is partly to do with the fact that I don't get out to shops at all and so you don't really know what you've ordered is going to be like until it comes.

Another Day

So I ended up rambling a lot last night in the post and I suppose I just wanted to get some things off my chest but all it seemed to do was to lead to yet another sleepless night but that seems to be normal for me at the moment.
As for today, well I managed to go out for a walk twice today! So I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself especially since I was feeling pretty rotten before I went for the second walk and yet rather than not doing it I did and OK so I still feel rotten now but at least I did something positive, but in regards to everything else well I've just left them to one side for the moment and I am concentrating on the walking aspect so I can build up both muscles and confidence in being out and about.
Tomorrow is another day and as long as the sun is still shining then maybe I will carry on feeling not too bad about things and actually manage to do things, I don't know what but maybe I will walk a little bit further or something like that.

Off to a slow start

So I had decided today would be the day that I started to implement some of my targets and to be fair I did go out and walk about 100 yards which may not seem much but it is probably the furthest I have walked in months, so I a least managed that.
On the downside my sleep pattern seems to have gotten even more out of sync as i stayed up all night and only actually succumbed to sleep at 2PM so by my reckoning I managed to stay awake for 23 hours! Although this may end up being a good thing as I am so tired right now that I will probably go to bed early and therefore wake up early so at least it sort of kick starts the whole process of re-aligning my sleep pattern.
Another plus point to today was the fact that I conquered my fear of talking to Doctors and managed to phone my GP and ask them about the pain I have been having in my back for the last three weeks. It turns out that all I have to do is take painkillers and wait as it seems to be sciatica , but the problem with this is that I hate taking medication as I get really frightened and paranoid about what it might do to me. There is a rational part of my brain that is simply saying "don't be stupid, it won't hurt you." but the irrational side of my brain just freaks out and so I struggle. But since the pain is quite bad I know that I will have to take the drugs and so that is another challenge for me to overcome. As if I don't my back won't improve and that will then rebound on my plans to walk everyday (since it is painful when I walk any distance)
I guess the thing is that I don't fully realise what all my anxieties are and as I try to improve things in my life I just keep coming up against more of them and have to deal with them as well. In fact I only realised the extent of my problems when I actually sat down and wrote a list of everything that I have problems with or worry about.
On top of my pain and the need to fix my life and get out, I am also getting stressed with the Open University course that I am doing at the moment as it just seems to prey on my basic thoughts that I am useless. The thing is that I just don't seem to be able to deal well with what the course is asking me to do and therefore I get middling to bad marks which just makes me feel useless. And I do know that I can't be perfect at everything in this world, but I think it's just the fact that what I think is good doesn't seem to match with the criteria of the course and my biggest fear is of failing it as it is a creative writing course and to fail that just makes me feel that I have no imagination. But then again I do think there is a part of me that just craves perfection in everything that I do, and if I can't do something quickly I just end up giving up and walking away even though if I carried on I may be successful.
Anyway, I think that's enough from me today, a woozy state seems to be good in that I feel able to write things that I may not otherwise admit to. But tomorrow is another day and I will go for another walk, even if it's raining and maybe I will actually contact the counsellor and see if they will take me on as a patient.