Been a while!

So I haven't actually written here for a while but that's mainly because I can't think of anything to write and nothing that exciting has happened. I've mainly been spending time doing cross-stitch, I have now designed and made a wall hanging, well I've nearly finished it all I have to do is find the right backing fabric and then it is done. And apart from that I have been trying to do my course without getting too distracted by looking at my family history, which is kinda difficult since the course is writing family history! And my nosiness has just taken over and I really want to know more about these people and the life they led.
Anyway I can't actually think of anything else to write at the moment, but I will try to write a bit more regularly although I think that it will be the case of silence for a while mainly because I don't actually think that I have anything worth writing about.

So I have managed to go for a walk every two days, which is an improvement on going out at intervals of weeks. And in fact the other day I actually went out at about eight o'clock, but that was only so I could see the owl that has been hanging around the house for the last few weeks and I actually managed to see it!
But apart from that I have spentquite a lot of time recently getting stressed out with benefits and trying to sort everything out, and I just seem to be repeating the same information at them and they never seem to be able to keep this information and apply it to me the next time they contact me. But that is life and I suppose it happens to everyone but it is driving me mad and really making me quite anxious at times.
So really at the moment I am trying to keep to my walking every second day, and just trying to slowly re-build my interest/enthusiasm about things, and hopefully that will return soon. Otherwise I don't see me ever managing to complete the OU degree any time soon.

Phases

It strikes me as weird the fact that I seem to go through cycles, I mean I spent days the other week just writing down how I felt and what was going on in my mind, I must have written over 10, 000 words, and yet as quickly as that phase had begun it stopped. Then I spent ages playing games which got replaced by reading, which in turn has been replaced with cross-stitch. But I have always been like that, I spend ages focused on one thing and ignoring everything else but then suddenly get bored or distracted and I move on to something new.
But in a positive move I went for a walk today ( the third one in six days!) and I went further today than I have in months, but I do wonder if that has something to do with the fact that the sun was shining today and it was quite mild outside. Even so it was/is something positive for me to focus on and even if I can keep on walking every other day then I may just begin to make some progress within my life, all I have to do now is get up early enough for me to phone and see about speaking to a doctor if only because my weight has now fallen to a level that freaks me out. Actually it was the realisation that you can easily feel all my vertebrae that actually made me realise I have to do something about this and maybe the doctor will be able to give me some advice but it would mean me being honest about my eating habits etc, which is a little difficult for me to do, but it needs done.

Another month

Well, another month gone and so far it looks like this year is going to be no different to last, but there is time for things to change!
Just to moan a little my back hurts! I seemed to have pulled a muscle and I can't stand up straight as it hurts! But apart from that little inconvenience nothing much has changed apart from the fact that I have started a new OU course, called start writing family history. Which I'm already about a fortnight ahead in but that is partly because I already know some of the stuff that is covered and because it is a short course the work-load isn't as great as in one of the longer courses. But it passes the day and gives me something to do while I try and work out which course I want to do next.
Anyway I will stop now before I go into one of my rants about my life.

General Update

I have been lax at writing here regularly but the thing is there really isn't anything new to say. My life is just plodding on as it always has, my sleep pattern is screwed up, I still struggle to eat new things, I get paranoid about being ill and I just want to hide away. But maybe if i actually feel up to the fight I will phone the Doctors this morning and see if they can give me some help as it really has become ridiculous how frightened I have become I really have taken about a million steps back from where I was at this time last year.
Oh well that's all from me at the moment as to write anymore would just be a waste of time.

Reality Check

Reality has hit, I have to start making positive moves towards getting better and soon. Because the whole idea of us moving house is beginning to get real. In as little as 14 months I could be living in a new house somewhere else, unfortunately I have no idea where, and if I'm not getting out and about how am I meant to travel to the new house. So a little task for myself is to try and get to see a Doctor so I can begin to discuss what I could do or take that would make it easier for me to do things. The biggest problem is the fact that I hate taking tablets and most medicines when in liquid form tastes of bananas which I dislike! The whole thing just scares me so much as I don't know what to do.
Oh well, that's enough moaning from me, it doesn't achieve anything.

Positive/Negative

So after yesterdays depressing post I thought that I would try and be more upbeat today, and I can say that I not only went for a walk but I also cleaned my room. But apart from that nothing much has changed I still feel anxious but I don't know what about and I don't know how to fix anything.
Oh and I don't really know if it is a good or a bad thing but I no longer feel like self-harm. I just can't see the point of it as I don't think it would actually help to relieve any of these feelings that are bothering me at the moment. And yet I still want to just in case this time I do begin to feel better.
You know what, I may stop posting for a few days simply because I need some quiet time away from my computer and because there isn't much point in posting when every post is going to end up being the same.