Another Day

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, which is why I didn't post anything. But today whilst being pretty similar, except for the fact that I went for the furthest walk so far, has left me feeling guilty about my situation.
The thing is that today (well the 30th, just realised it is after midnight) was my Grans 90th birthday and to celebrate my entire family are going out to lunch with her on Saturday. So my parents and brother along with my aunt, uncle, two cousins their partners and children are all going but because of my agoraphobia I can't go and I feel so guilty about it. I mean I love my Gran but I haven't actually seen her for four maybe five years as within that time I have gone through depression twice and become agoraphobic and she has become unable to visit us, as the 80 mile trip is just a bit too much for her. And I just can't help but feel bad about it, as I am her granddaughter and I should be there with the rest of the family celebrating but instead I will be spending the day sitting at home on my own. I mean I am going to phone her on Sunday and I did give her a special present, a cushion that I had made and decorated with panels which reflected all the important things in her life.
And in thinking about how long it had been since I saw my Gran I realised that it had been ten years since I had seen one of my cousins and six years since I saw the other. And that just seems really ridiculous. We aren't a close family but it does make me realise how little I actually see of people who should be part of my life. I don't even know if they have ever been told about my problems or if they just assume that I am not making any effort. And I know that I could have phoned them or something but that would be like phoning a random stranger and conducting a conversation with them. I haven't even met my cousins wife, never mind his two year old son. On the plus side I have met my other cousins husband and son but not her two year old daughter. I almost feel that I don't really have a part within this family. And it really does sadden me and makes me feel so guilty that I am trapped within my little area and have made little or no progress forward.
Why must I be so pathetic? I did have the chance to fix all these problems and I ruined it. The psychologist that I saw really put himself out, he would actually come to my house and take me out in his car, which isn't something that you would really expect from a NHS therapist. But I just didn't take the help. I pushed to the point where he just couldn't afford to spend any more time trying to help me. But to be fair to myself there were personal reasons behind that, which were to do with the fact that I felt there was pressure from my parents to get better quickly, and there were reasons for that which I don't feel able to go into here.
The truth is that it won't be an easy road to get better but it will be even harder if I don't actually try to do anything. I mean at the back of my mind is the fact that I MUST be able to go for long journeys in the car and deal with strangers by 2010, otherwise I will have to be a permanent fixture in the house I'm in at the moment. And somehow I don't think that the next occupants would really like to take me on with the house! Unless I learned how to cook and clean and then I could be a live in maid, which may be a bonus for them but somehow I don't see that happening. The idea of me being a part of the conditions for someone coming into the house does strike me as really amusing, as I wonder if it would mean that I got to choose who they were rather than the congregation ( yeah my dad's a minister and the house comes with the job, and he got chosen by the congregation, so the next minister would be the same). But I doubt that would be the case, so I have to fix myself or get help to fix myself but it just seems so scary. Even though I really hate to admit it, in some ways I am comfortable in my situation and I suppose that I don't want it to change as I'm so scared as to what the future will hold.
But I think that I have gone on for long enough tonight, and well tomorrow is another day!