It really is quite incredible how I can go from feeling relatively happy to suddenly feeling worthless and rubbish, I just don't know how to deal with things. I suppose that this is always the case for me at this time in the morning, its when all my anxieties and fears come out and say hello. It's like my brain says, "hey things are going OK so what I'm going to do is spoil it" followed by the required evil laughter!
But being more serious it is at this time of the morning that I realise how alone I am in this world, yes I have family but that's it, there really isn't anyone in this world that I would count as a true friend and that seems so sad. And the only way for me to make friends is to be brave enough to talk to someone first but that just scares me as I feel that they would only be friends with me because they feel sorry for me. Boy do I have a skewed view of the world, I seem to have two conflicting ideas about people, on one hand I want to be liked by everyone but on the other I do know that isn't possible and I have always in the past been happy with the fact that not everyone will like me.
I suppose I also wonder what is the point of me writing this, as I am the only person who will ever read it, I'd be just as well writing all this rubbish down in a diary or a journal and just forget about this.
Why the hell am i such a pathetic person?
OK so I think that I need to go and get some sleep because I'm not going to get any where tonight if I keep thinking like this. I should try to look or the positives in my life but at the moment I just can't think of any.
I give up, maybe I will just delete this and stop trying to be someone that I'm obviously not, I'm not outgoing I'm shy, I have no self-confidence and I think that everything I do is rubbish.
Anyway let's just stop here and I think that even though it's really early in the morning I will treat myself to some ice-cream, that might make me feel better, or I could just shut off the computer and self-harm which also seems like a really good idea. I mean I already broke my pact with myself to not self-harm for a week so why not, no-one will stop me as there isn't anyone who I can talk to. Writing the problems down doesn't help it just leads me to focus on them and the only thing that can sometimes stop me is a hug and there ain't anyone to give me one of them.
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About Me
Just a little word...
...to say that what I write here will be open and honest and may be uncomfortable to read, and I am sorry if that is the case but I am doing this as a way to help myself and the only way that I can do this is to be honest about how I feel.
6 comments:
i'm so messed up i don't even leave comments when i read things... but i see a lot of myself in you. i don't mean to freak you out or anything but it's amazing how two girls maybe 1000 miles away can seemingly go through the same thoughts....
i'm so messed up i don't even want to look at myslef sometimes, i feel like I am a big mistake.
the only difference between you and me is that i'm younger, and i'm asian.
self harm pacts don't help....
my wrists can tell you that.
i don't even know why i'm contacting you, but i just am....
you and me are in the same boat.
don't give up.
it's not outgoing people who always try putting a part of their lives on display...it's people who have no ther outlet to vent their frustration that do so.
hang in there.
Although you probabily hate writing things down, its the best thing for you to do so keep it up. I noticed that you said your with the Open Uni, do you talk to people on the forum? I recommend it.
Hey Fizzgig :0) Well done for being so brave and writing about all these painful things you are going through {{{{Fizzgig}}}} (in place of real hugs, virtual ones will have to do!)
Like Gaijin (and probably a lot of other anonymous lurkers reading this ;0)) I see a lot of myself in your writings and what you're going through, and can only echo both Gaijin and John, writing this stuff down is excellent as it gets it out rather than turning it all inward, and don't give up, you're doing better than you think you are (that darn brain just won't shut up telling you the wrong things though will it? Just ignore it for as long as you can every day, eventually it will get bored and find something better to do ;0))
BTW, have you tried lurking in A215 Survivors Conf for a while? Those guys aren't just 'survivors' for getting through the course you know, and are very welcoming (especially if you bring virtual chocolate) so if you feel brave, go in and have a look around, and on a good day, maybe you'll say hi? :0)
I'm agarophobic too and don't have any 'real' friends, but some very good 'virtual' ones that I made during the same course you're on now, I can (again) only repeat what John says and recommend you to look to the course forums for people you may feel comfortable talking to, and privately messaging them once you feel up to it.
Best of luck, hope things are looking brighter for you today :0)
Actually I do lurk in the A215 survivors conference, but I still haven't found the confidence to jump in and contribute yet, but if I do I will make sure that I am brandishing virtual chocolates! And thank you for the virtual hugs they really cheered me up.
:)
I was the same on the course confs last year, it took me going through some crap with one of my TG to get the confidence (or recklessness maybe? ;)) to privately mail someone, and that in turn gave me confidence to start posting in the bar! Now I'm more a half lurker, which is better than it was.. anyway, I waffle off the point, you're welcome in there, I know how nervewracking it is, but I'll keep an eye out for you (not that I know who you are, but if I see new people posting I usually try to say hi anyway, it's part of my keeping up the not being a lurker thing... I'm waffling again aren't I? ;D Anyway, they're all v friendly, especially to virtual choccy carriers as you've probably noticed! :D)
Take care {{{Fizz}}}
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