It's late at night and I just can't help but wonder what is the point of anything. I just seem to be using this so that I can moan on about things that really shouldn't bother me, and there are others in this world who are suffering even more than me and they don't complain or moan about it they just get on and do it. I suppose the thing is that I am an insecure person who craves attention but when I get it I just shy away and run and hide in the corner convinced that the person doesn't like me or just feels sorry for me. I just can't seem to be able to reconcile the truth of life with my own way of thinking as it differs do drastically. It would be great if there was a way for me to get better without me putting in any effort, as at the moment I swing between being OK and feeling really down, which then leads me to self-harm and feel worthless and useless, a waste of space. And I know that I will be the only person who reads this as why would anyone else want to? It's not clever or funny or intelligent it's just the ramblings of a pathetic little human being who is of no significance within this large ever expanding universe.
Years ago I remember feeling as if I was separated from the real world by a plate of glass, I could see what was happening but i couldn't interact and now that feeling seems to have come true, OK so it's through my own problems but at the moment I am completely detached from the rest of the world with no real way to interact. I know that I could take part in forums or chat rooms or join things like myspace etc, but i just feel unable to do so, I get anxious and frightened about letting anyone any where near me and so that stops me taking part. I am the one you see sitting on the sidelines not interacting and being ignored because of it. I just don't have the confidence to jump right in and take part. Even at school I was like this, I would be the one on the outside of the circle with every one's back to them, and I know that is impossible in real terms but it felt like that, it just felt like I was being pushed out and I know that it was my own fault in not joining in but I am a naturally shy person.
I don't think that at the moment I can do anything right, OK so that's an exaggeration but that is how I think. Who knows, maybe if I follow my targets and complete then I could become a useful member of society. Any way I'm going to go now and try to get some sleep and maybe things will seem brighter in the morning.
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2 comments:
First things first your not a waste of space at all. And also, I am reading this, and with great intrest to. What your going through is not easy and I know what its like not wanting people to feel sorry for you but at the same time really wanting them to help. Keep up with things and hopefully in time your feelings will seem less confused.
I'm here reading your post too :) Don't be disheartened before the course begins - take it one step at a time and ask for help if you need it. OU students are a unique crowd and there's always someone willing to give a helping hand or lend an ear.
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