..I did nothing except sleep and get stressed out and angry. So it looks like I still have a lot of work to do before going out becomes a habit again.
It just goes to prove that some habits are easier to develop than others.
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
Tuesday, 4 September 2007
Nothing to Report
As the title says there really isn't anything worth talking about tonight that isn't a repeat of what I have previously said.
So I'm now going to try and catch up with my lost sleep.
So I'm now going to try and catch up with my lost sleep.
Monday, 3 September 2007
Moonlight
So, I just felt that I really wanted to post something positive and I found something: the way the world looks when it's bathed in moonlight. I am so lucky that I live in the middle of the country as there is no light pollution. Tonight it is a half moon and it is so bright, everything is clear and the sky is littered with stars, it looked so amazing and unfortunately I just cant find the right words to describe it.
But maybe it is enough to use the cliche that it took my breath away, everything seemed so perfect and for that time I felt a part of the universe, OK a small and insignificant part, but a part nonetheless. Just looking up at the sky above makes you realise how big the universe is and it amazes me that the light of the stars has taken thousands of years to reach us and yet they shine so bright against the indigo of the sky.
And the other thing was how silent the world was, there was no cars, no birds just a comforting silence that wrapped itself around and speaking would break it into a million shards destroying the feeling of peace that entered into my mind calming and pacifying all the negative thoughts that were threatening to overwhelm me.
But maybe it is enough to use the cliche that it took my breath away, everything seemed so perfect and for that time I felt a part of the universe, OK a small and insignificant part, but a part nonetheless. Just looking up at the sky above makes you realise how big the universe is and it amazes me that the light of the stars has taken thousands of years to reach us and yet they shine so bright against the indigo of the sky.
And the other thing was how silent the world was, there was no cars, no birds just a comforting silence that wrapped itself around and speaking would break it into a million shards destroying the feeling of peace that entered into my mind calming and pacifying all the negative thoughts that were threatening to overwhelm me.
Again with the Ramblings!
It really does amaze me how at this time of night my thoughts always turn to the negative points in my life. I suddenly find myself gripped with guilt at something I did years ago. The entire scene plays out in my mind and in the case of tonight's thoughts I realise that I am this horrible person. I never even apologised for what I did, instead I justified it as my way of extracting myself from a friendship that was doing me more harm than good, and yes that is true but I also ended up hurting someone who really didn't need her friends treating her badly. She needed someone to be there for her and she trusted me, she considered me to be her best friend, and yet I threw that away and I probably hurt her badly at a time when she needed me the most.
I was going to argue why I acted this way but that's a cop-out, there is no real justification for what I did. I am a worthless human being, maybe that is why I am suffering like I am, it just that old idea of what goes around comes around and I must suffer for what I have done. And OK what I did wasn't terrible but it was bad enough, but I know if someone did to me what I did to her it would really hurt me.
Maybe it's just tiredness talking but I can't help but feel that all I have done so far in my life is cause others hurt and stress. I just can't do anything right and I'm stuck, I felt this way when I was 13 and nothing much has changed except my age. I still have no self-confidence or self-worth and I still can't believe that I will ever amount to anything in this world. The thing is I just don't understand this world, I have no knowledge or understanding of anything. I become obsessive about things, I can never just let anything go I have to carry it around and let it fester within me. I know that I am stuck within a frame of thinking that isn't healthy and yet I don't think that I have the courage or ability to change it.
I will say one last thing, if nothing else I am tired of being this way, and I guess that is a good sign as maybe it means I am finally ready to do something about it. I almost want to make a promise that I will only post positive things here from now on, but I think that may end up with me only posting intermittently or not at all. But that would mean that I would go back to the old way of keeping this bottled up. At least if I write here I feel like I am telling someone else but that in itself makes me feel guilty, as what right do I have to spout this feeble nonsense when there are others in this world going through worse times than me.
There is nothing really that bad about my life except for my own inability to face up to and deal with the random nonsense that my brain seems to take as concrete fact. And I don't mean to belittle (?) agoraphobia, and I do know that it is a very difficult thing to over come, but I can't help but get annoyed at myself for ending up this way. Looking at my life from an objective point of view I can't see the reason behind my problems, maybe it is just that my brain got wired wrong and I then made matters worse by my actions in my late teens.
Right I'm going to try and get some sleep now and hopefully everything will seem better in the morning, or if nothing else at least I will be able to distract my brain from these thoughts.
I was going to argue why I acted this way but that's a cop-out, there is no real justification for what I did. I am a worthless human being, maybe that is why I am suffering like I am, it just that old idea of what goes around comes around and I must suffer for what I have done. And OK what I did wasn't terrible but it was bad enough, but I know if someone did to me what I did to her it would really hurt me.
Maybe it's just tiredness talking but I can't help but feel that all I have done so far in my life is cause others hurt and stress. I just can't do anything right and I'm stuck, I felt this way when I was 13 and nothing much has changed except my age. I still have no self-confidence or self-worth and I still can't believe that I will ever amount to anything in this world. The thing is I just don't understand this world, I have no knowledge or understanding of anything. I become obsessive about things, I can never just let anything go I have to carry it around and let it fester within me. I know that I am stuck within a frame of thinking that isn't healthy and yet I don't think that I have the courage or ability to change it.
I will say one last thing, if nothing else I am tired of being this way, and I guess that is a good sign as maybe it means I am finally ready to do something about it. I almost want to make a promise that I will only post positive things here from now on, but I think that may end up with me only posting intermittently or not at all. But that would mean that I would go back to the old way of keeping this bottled up. At least if I write here I feel like I am telling someone else but that in itself makes me feel guilty, as what right do I have to spout this feeble nonsense when there are others in this world going through worse times than me.
There is nothing really that bad about my life except for my own inability to face up to and deal with the random nonsense that my brain seems to take as concrete fact. And I don't mean to belittle (?) agoraphobia, and I do know that it is a very difficult thing to over come, but I can't help but get annoyed at myself for ending up this way. Looking at my life from an objective point of view I can't see the reason behind my problems, maybe it is just that my brain got wired wrong and I then made matters worse by my actions in my late teens.
Right I'm going to try and get some sleep now and hopefully everything will seem better in the morning, or if nothing else at least I will be able to distract my brain from these thoughts.
Sunday, 2 September 2007
You Learn Something Everyday
And I have learnt that for some unknown reason I no longer want to sleep during the night. So i sleep through the day, I think I have reset my body clock to another continent and fixing it is a real hassle as it really involves staying awake through the whole day and then going to sleep at a more normal time. the only problem with this is that when I have been awake for about 24 hours I tend to fall asleep mainly due to the fact that I lie down for a while and before you know it I'm asleep for the next four or five hours, and nothing can wake me up.
But in some respects I may be lucky today, as my ear is full of wax and gets really uncomfortable when I lie down, and as it's a Sunday I can't really do anything about it except resort to the old fashioned method of putting warm olive oil in my ear. Which has to be the weirdest thing ever mainly because you have to heat it in a spoon and it just looks weird. And I know that there are chemical solutions to it, but to be honest they really freak me out and sometimes the old ways are the best. But I will have to wait and see about that. But if my ear is still like this come Monday I will have to get them syringed which is the weirdest thing ever, it just feels so strange and your eyes really hurt when it's being done.
But I think that's enough waffling for today, I really doubt that I will be going for a walk today but who knows maybe I will.
PS. sorry if this doesn't make any sense or if there's a load of spelling mistakes but I have been awake for nearly ten hours straight and I only had three hours sleep yesterday, and at least I'm not spouting the usual nonsense that I tend to say when I'm sleep deprived. Sorry waffling again!
But in some respects I may be lucky today, as my ear is full of wax and gets really uncomfortable when I lie down, and as it's a Sunday I can't really do anything about it except resort to the old fashioned method of putting warm olive oil in my ear. Which has to be the weirdest thing ever mainly because you have to heat it in a spoon and it just looks weird. And I know that there are chemical solutions to it, but to be honest they really freak me out and sometimes the old ways are the best. But I will have to wait and see about that. But if my ear is still like this come Monday I will have to get them syringed which is the weirdest thing ever, it just feels so strange and your eyes really hurt when it's being done.
But I think that's enough waffling for today, I really doubt that I will be going for a walk today but who knows maybe I will.
PS. sorry if this doesn't make any sense or if there's a load of spelling mistakes but I have been awake for nearly ten hours straight and I only had three hours sleep yesterday, and at least I'm not spouting the usual nonsense that I tend to say when I'm sleep deprived. Sorry waffling again!
Saturday, 1 September 2007
..........
So I wasn't going to post anything else tonight but after reading through various notebooks and journals I decided that I wanted to post something that I wrote about seven or eight years ago but is still relevant today and is something that I should remember.
Will you remember to relax and keep breathing as it will help you to cope with the stresses and strains of daily life. No matter what you think things are not that bad and could definitely be worse than they are at the moment.
Remember that whatever life throws at you, you can cope with it and bounce back with more knowledge and confidence than you had before it began.
Life is a set of trials testing your power to cope with things that may go wrong and if you are strong enough everything will turn out fine in the end.
MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND.
Actually there were quite a few things that made me step back and think, this was another:
I think that you do some of your best and worst thinking late at night when everyone else is asleep in their beds. You seem to gain some clarity to your thoughts but you also lose the protection that you have during the day. I’ll try and explain, in the day time you censor your thoughts and don’t allow certain ones to be concentrated on, but at night you lose that ability and the thoughts that you censor during the day come back and you concentrate only on them.
Without the acknowledgement of these thoughts you live in a fake world. And although it hurts you have to know that these thoughts exist because they are a part of you and who you are.
And it is still correct even now.
The final thing that appealed to me was the fact that when I was 13/14 I started to write a play. Now that in itself is quite a weird thing to do but what really amazed me was the fact that I included detailed stage directions. So the characters were leaving stage left with sad looks in their eyes and things like that. The only reason I can think of as to why I even attempted was that it coincided with me reading Shakespeare. But it just made me laugh as at the moment I am really struggling to write stories and yet when I was young I attempted to write a play, and OK I didn't get very far with it, not even a scene, but I still tried.
I think I must have been quite a random teenager!
Will you remember to relax and keep breathing as it will help you to cope with the stresses and strains of daily life. No matter what you think things are not that bad and could definitely be worse than they are at the moment.
Remember that whatever life throws at you, you can cope with it and bounce back with more knowledge and confidence than you had before it began.
Life is a set of trials testing your power to cope with things that may go wrong and if you are strong enough everything will turn out fine in the end.
MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND.
Actually there were quite a few things that made me step back and think, this was another:
I think that you do some of your best and worst thinking late at night when everyone else is asleep in their beds. You seem to gain some clarity to your thoughts but you also lose the protection that you have during the day. I’ll try and explain, in the day time you censor your thoughts and don’t allow certain ones to be concentrated on, but at night you lose that ability and the thoughts that you censor during the day come back and you concentrate only on them.
Without the acknowledgement of these thoughts you live in a fake world. And although it hurts you have to know that these thoughts exist because they are a part of you and who you are.
And it is still correct even now.
The final thing that appealed to me was the fact that when I was 13/14 I started to write a play. Now that in itself is quite a weird thing to do but what really amazed me was the fact that I included detailed stage directions. So the characters were leaving stage left with sad looks in their eyes and things like that. The only reason I can think of as to why I even attempted was that it coincided with me reading Shakespeare. But it just made me laugh as at the moment I am really struggling to write stories and yet when I was young I attempted to write a play, and OK I didn't get very far with it, not even a scene, but I still tried.
I think I must have been quite a random teenager!
Just A Short Post
I have done nothing exciting today, I didn't even manage to go for a walk. But then again I did spend most of the day asleep and it was windy, and for some reason I can't walk in the wind, I end up finding it hard to breathe if the wind is in my face.
Anyway, I doubt that I will be doing anything tomorrow either except for curling up into a very small ball and feeling sorry for myself. So, just the usual routine.
Anyway, I doubt that I will be doing anything tomorrow either except for curling up into a very small ball and feeling sorry for myself. So, just the usual routine.
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