Yesterday was pretty uneventful, which is why I didn't post anything. But today whilst being pretty similar, except for the fact that I went for the furthest walk so far, has left me feeling guilty about my situation.
The thing is that today (well the 30th, just realised it is after midnight) was my Grans 90th birthday and to celebrate my entire family are going out to lunch with her on Saturday. So my parents and brother along with my aunt, uncle, two cousins their partners and children are all going but because of my agoraphobia I can't go and I feel so guilty about it. I mean I love my Gran but I haven't actually seen her for four maybe five years as within that time I have gone through depression twice and become agoraphobic and she has become unable to visit us, as the 80 mile trip is just a bit too much for her. And I just can't help but feel bad about it, as I am her granddaughter and I should be there with the rest of the family celebrating but instead I will be spending the day sitting at home on my own. I mean I am going to phone her on Sunday and I did give her a special present, a cushion that I had made and decorated with panels which reflected all the important things in her life.
And in thinking about how long it had been since I saw my Gran I realised that it had been ten years since I had seen one of my cousins and six years since I saw the other. And that just seems really ridiculous. We aren't a close family but it does make me realise how little I actually see of people who should be part of my life. I don't even know if they have ever been told about my problems or if they just assume that I am not making any effort. And I know that I could have phoned them or something but that would be like phoning a random stranger and conducting a conversation with them. I haven't even met my cousins wife, never mind his two year old son. On the plus side I have met my other cousins husband and son but not her two year old daughter. I almost feel that I don't really have a part within this family. And it really does sadden me and makes me feel so guilty that I am trapped within my little area and have made little or no progress forward.
Why must I be so pathetic? I did have the chance to fix all these problems and I ruined it. The psychologist that I saw really put himself out, he would actually come to my house and take me out in his car, which isn't something that you would really expect from a NHS therapist. But I just didn't take the help. I pushed to the point where he just couldn't afford to spend any more time trying to help me. But to be fair to myself there were personal reasons behind that, which were to do with the fact that I felt there was pressure from my parents to get better quickly, and there were reasons for that which I don't feel able to go into here.
The truth is that it won't be an easy road to get better but it will be even harder if I don't actually try to do anything. I mean at the back of my mind is the fact that I MUST be able to go for long journeys in the car and deal with strangers by 2010, otherwise I will have to be a permanent fixture in the house I'm in at the moment. And somehow I don't think that the next occupants would really like to take me on with the house! Unless I learned how to cook and clean and then I could be a live in maid, which may be a bonus for them but somehow I don't see that happening. The idea of me being a part of the conditions for someone coming into the house does strike me as really amusing, as I wonder if it would mean that I got to choose who they were rather than the congregation ( yeah my dad's a minister and the house comes with the job, and he got chosen by the congregation, so the next minister would be the same). But I doubt that would be the case, so I have to fix myself or get help to fix myself but it just seems so scary. Even though I really hate to admit it, in some ways I am comfortable in my situation and I suppose that I don't want it to change as I'm so scared as to what the future will hold.
But I think that I have gone on for long enough tonight, and well tomorrow is another day!
Friday 31 August 2007
Tuesday 28 August 2007
A Random Story Part Two
Here's the second and final part of that story,
She kept no-one near her, she built up the brick wall that surrounded her, reinforced by steel plates and concrete so that no-one could ever break it down leaving her secure within the tower that she had built. People had tried to scale the walls and break them down and sometimes they got through the perimeter but when they stood there and were faced by the reinforced steel bunker that contained the true person they couldn't face the task and just walked away back to the outer walls where things were normal and they didn't have to prove themselves.
But this was no surprise to her, she never expected anyone to want to get to the core of her and even if they did she would never let them, she would push them until they gave up and walked away, another broken friendship littering the ground that she surveyed. She always felt that she never needed these people; she was strong enough to cope on her own. She never understood why she should rely on someone who would just let her down and cause her pain, when she could lock herself away and save herself the heartbreak and the hurt.
She was never happier than when she was alone in the world just her and her mask and no-one wanting to talk to her or share with her their pain without being willing to listen to her. However there was a part of her buried deep that craved the easy friendship of someone who would listen in return and who would hold her close through the long dark nights. But this part was buried along with the other feelings that dealt with people, she wanted to survive as she was, she didn’t have the strength to cope with the thoughts of others and the needs that dwelt within her. She believed herself to be the strong independent person who never needed another person as they would just let her down and fill up the room in her mind with more thoughts that would prey on her.
But sitting there cross-legged on her bed she couldn’t help but feel that things would have to change one day. That sooner or later, if she did nothing the deception that she lived with would overcome everything else and she would never be able to fully recover herself to the person that she could be. As within her there was the promise of a person who was worthwhile and who was valuable and sometimes she realised this and made a list of all her positive aspects but the daemons that resided within her would always ridicule these thoughts and as quick as the positives had come the negatives would appear and push everything else out of the way.
She picked up the knife and watched as it reflected the light onto the lilac walls, holding it firmly in her right-hand she felt the weight as it lay there, feeling the conflicting emotions that passed through her as she considered the options for that night.
As she place the cold flat of the blade against her skin she realised that the demanding need had gone and that just by thinking about who she was she had overcome the problems for that night, and as she sat there she felt a small part of the mask fall away and at the corner of her eye a tear formed on her true skin and she smiled at the feeling of the warm wetness against her skin. And with that she replaced the knife back in its plastic case and placed it back into the drawer where it was kept. And as she lay down, wrapped up within the warmth of the cover with her teddy caught up in her hand she realised that she had just made the first step on the road back to the world, and although she knew that the road would be long and twisting she felt able for the first time to contemplate actually walking along it without turning back and facing up to the monsters and obstacles that lay hidden along the path.
She kept no-one near her, she built up the brick wall that surrounded her, reinforced by steel plates and concrete so that no-one could ever break it down leaving her secure within the tower that she had built. People had tried to scale the walls and break them down and sometimes they got through the perimeter but when they stood there and were faced by the reinforced steel bunker that contained the true person they couldn't face the task and just walked away back to the outer walls where things were normal and they didn't have to prove themselves.
But this was no surprise to her, she never expected anyone to want to get to the core of her and even if they did she would never let them, she would push them until they gave up and walked away, another broken friendship littering the ground that she surveyed. She always felt that she never needed these people; she was strong enough to cope on her own. She never understood why she should rely on someone who would just let her down and cause her pain, when she could lock herself away and save herself the heartbreak and the hurt.
She was never happier than when she was alone in the world just her and her mask and no-one wanting to talk to her or share with her their pain without being willing to listen to her. However there was a part of her buried deep that craved the easy friendship of someone who would listen in return and who would hold her close through the long dark nights. But this part was buried along with the other feelings that dealt with people, she wanted to survive as she was, she didn’t have the strength to cope with the thoughts of others and the needs that dwelt within her. She believed herself to be the strong independent person who never needed another person as they would just let her down and fill up the room in her mind with more thoughts that would prey on her.
But sitting there cross-legged on her bed she couldn’t help but feel that things would have to change one day. That sooner or later, if she did nothing the deception that she lived with would overcome everything else and she would never be able to fully recover herself to the person that she could be. As within her there was the promise of a person who was worthwhile and who was valuable and sometimes she realised this and made a list of all her positive aspects but the daemons that resided within her would always ridicule these thoughts and as quick as the positives had come the negatives would appear and push everything else out of the way.
She picked up the knife and watched as it reflected the light onto the lilac walls, holding it firmly in her right-hand she felt the weight as it lay there, feeling the conflicting emotions that passed through her as she considered the options for that night.
As she place the cold flat of the blade against her skin she realised that the demanding need had gone and that just by thinking about who she was she had overcome the problems for that night, and as she sat there she felt a small part of the mask fall away and at the corner of her eye a tear formed on her true skin and she smiled at the feeling of the warm wetness against her skin. And with that she replaced the knife back in its plastic case and placed it back into the drawer where it was kept. And as she lay down, wrapped up within the warmth of the cover with her teddy caught up in her hand she realised that she had just made the first step on the road back to the world, and although she knew that the road would be long and twisting she felt able for the first time to contemplate actually walking along it without turning back and facing up to the monsters and obstacles that lay hidden along the path.
The News for today.
Well today was one of those days where I seemed to swing from being happy to being sad or annoyed. I got the results back from my last TMA (tutor marked assignment) and I was pleasantly surprised at how well I did. I got my highest mark so far in the course and so that led me to feel happy, but then the mood swung down again and I don't really know why. I think it was just one of those things.
But I did manage to go out for a walk and to walk the same distance as I did yesterday so I am pleased with myself, as long as I can keep going and actually manage to walk everyday this week then I will be quite proud of myself, but then again who knows what this week will hold and so I'm not going to make any promises as to what I will try to achieve.
But I did manage to go out for a walk and to walk the same distance as I did yesterday so I am pleased with myself, as long as I can keep going and actually manage to walk everyday this week then I will be quite proud of myself, but then again who knows what this week will hold and so I'm not going to make any promises as to what I will try to achieve.
A Random Story
This is the first part of a story that I wrote in the small hours of the night, it does reflect who I am to an extent but it was easier to write it as a story in the third person. Sorry that it is long and I will post the second part at a later date.
The knife sat on the bed the light from the solitary lamp catching the sharp edge as she contemplated what to do. Should she pick it up and allow the edge to glide through her fragile skin drawing the blood to the surface, her soul singing as the pain coursed through her body allowing her to forget the emotions that were threatening to engulf her. Or should she go with them, allow the feelings to develop so that they could be dealt with and then cast away. But she was tired exhausted of always facing up to the same old things, she knew that the knife would win and that the number of cuts would grow once again.
Ever since she was a child she had locked all her feelings up, bottling them up and placing them on a long shelf situated in the room that was found in the darkest recesses of her mind, before locking the door and removing the small silver key and throwing it behind her into the ocean of confusion within her. Each emotion had its own colour, red for anger, green for jealousy, yellow for frustration, russet for regret. All placed haphazardly except for the one bottle which was placed carefully onto the shelf, protected and polished, a treasured thing as it contained the happiness that she would release a little at a time so the purple hue would fill her mind and obliterate all other thoughts and feelings.
The blue bottle filled with sadness and the black one filled with depression were separate from the rest, they were placed within their own box made of steel and they would strain and warp in her hands as she forced them in. Capturing them in a place that meant that for a while she could escape from them.
She would top the bottles up each day, or whenever the feelings occurred. But the first bottles soon filled so more were created, and then more and more, until the room was filled with bottles piled up, each creaking and groaning as the emotions tried to push the wooden stopper out. The only way to fit more feelings in was to open the door an inch and the just throw the feeling in before quickly slamming the door hoping that none had escaped. But as was always the case some did and she found them invading all her thoughts and not allowing her any peace until she captured and released them by either facing up to them or by catching them in her pain and releasing them out through the blood that flowed from the cuts she made.
The cuts were the only outward sign that all was not well within her mind, as she had created a mask to wear, plain white with the eyes holes cut out but not filled with the blue of hers but with the blackness of the depression that overpowered her. The mask was smooth and calm, no emotion was portrayed it was a blank canvas onto which others could project the person they wanted her to be.
The longer she wore the mask the more the smooth clean edges blended into her head, until it became who she really was, a nothing; a nobody. She allowed no-one to be around as she painted on the skin, the eyes, the mouth, the nose, creating the perfect face so they were deflected from the person behind. The shy awkward women who couldn't cope with her true emotions, the woman who struggled to comprehend the world. She let them see the painting of the woman they wanted to see who was calm and composed. But when the darkest part of the night came she found that the mask would suddenly slip and then she would be confronted by the truth of who she was. But rather than stand up and accept it she would run and hide grabbing onto the invisible edges of the mask and dragging it back into place just so she could hold her head up and face what the day had in store. And this was the time that the locked up emotions exploded out and so the knife came out and she sat and waited trying to decided what she wanted to do.
The knife sat on the bed the light from the solitary lamp catching the sharp edge as she contemplated what to do. Should she pick it up and allow the edge to glide through her fragile skin drawing the blood to the surface, her soul singing as the pain coursed through her body allowing her to forget the emotions that were threatening to engulf her. Or should she go with them, allow the feelings to develop so that they could be dealt with and then cast away. But she was tired exhausted of always facing up to the same old things, she knew that the knife would win and that the number of cuts would grow once again.
Ever since she was a child she had locked all her feelings up, bottling them up and placing them on a long shelf situated in the room that was found in the darkest recesses of her mind, before locking the door and removing the small silver key and throwing it behind her into the ocean of confusion within her. Each emotion had its own colour, red for anger, green for jealousy, yellow for frustration, russet for regret. All placed haphazardly except for the one bottle which was placed carefully onto the shelf, protected and polished, a treasured thing as it contained the happiness that she would release a little at a time so the purple hue would fill her mind and obliterate all other thoughts and feelings.
The blue bottle filled with sadness and the black one filled with depression were separate from the rest, they were placed within their own box made of steel and they would strain and warp in her hands as she forced them in. Capturing them in a place that meant that for a while she could escape from them.
She would top the bottles up each day, or whenever the feelings occurred. But the first bottles soon filled so more were created, and then more and more, until the room was filled with bottles piled up, each creaking and groaning as the emotions tried to push the wooden stopper out. The only way to fit more feelings in was to open the door an inch and the just throw the feeling in before quickly slamming the door hoping that none had escaped. But as was always the case some did and she found them invading all her thoughts and not allowing her any peace until she captured and released them by either facing up to them or by catching them in her pain and releasing them out through the blood that flowed from the cuts she made.
The cuts were the only outward sign that all was not well within her mind, as she had created a mask to wear, plain white with the eyes holes cut out but not filled with the blue of hers but with the blackness of the depression that overpowered her. The mask was smooth and calm, no emotion was portrayed it was a blank canvas onto which others could project the person they wanted her to be.
The longer she wore the mask the more the smooth clean edges blended into her head, until it became who she really was, a nothing; a nobody. She allowed no-one to be around as she painted on the skin, the eyes, the mouth, the nose, creating the perfect face so they were deflected from the person behind. The shy awkward women who couldn't cope with her true emotions, the woman who struggled to comprehend the world. She let them see the painting of the woman they wanted to see who was calm and composed. But when the darkest part of the night came she found that the mask would suddenly slip and then she would be confronted by the truth of who she was. But rather than stand up and accept it she would run and hide grabbing onto the invisible edges of the mask and dragging it back into place just so she could hold her head up and face what the day had in store. And this was the time that the locked up emotions exploded out and so the knife came out and she sat and waited trying to decided what she wanted to do.
Monday 27 August 2007
Words
I can't find the words to say what I want, I struggle to compose a complete thought. I want to be able to describe what I feel and yet it's always the same deal. It doesn't change it's always the same I just keep repeating the same old thing. Nothing changes I can't move forward, I want to continue but the moment is gone. Unless I can change things will remain the same, which is a huge shame. I want to be able to function as normal, I want to be free, to just be me. I am individual I have my own thoughts.
I don't want to compete I want to be complete.
I don't want to compete I want to be complete.
Sunday 26 August 2007
Another Day
So I finally stopped procrastinating and went for a walk and went a little bit further than I had done before. But apart from that it was just another normal Sunday.
Who am I?
A very philosophical question for this early in the morning, but I suppose a valid one. I mean am I me because of genetics or is it because of what I have been through in my life, or is it a combination of the two? And on that line of thought am I in this place mentally because of a "chemical imbalance" or is it because of the way I have been treated by others or is it something that happened to me as a baby? And I don't mean anything bad but just the fact that I didn't get enough attention or I didn't bond properly with my parents.
I suppose it's that age old question of nature vs nurture and which one dictates the human you become. I suppose I think it's a combination of the two, which I think is the same for anyone in this world, but that then leads to the question of why was I verbally bullied at school, what was it about me that led the people to want to behave that way towards me. I know that part of it was the "sheep syndrome" where some people will just follow what everyone else does, but the reason behind the bullying was such an unimportant one and yet it led to name calling and people refusing to stand near me, little things but enough to make me feel inadequate and suspicious. Actually to be correct I don't know for sure what was behind it but from where I stood it seemed to have very little to do with who I actually was and more to do with my dad's job which is actually just ridiculous, and yes it only lasted for a year and what was really weird was the fact that the people who started it and encouraged it were the ones to put a stop to it.
Actually thinking about it, it is amazing how many things that have happened in my past do still dictate how I react now and maybe that is also why I can be quite immature for my age.
It was reading another blog that really made me think all this, as it made me wonder what emotional baggage I carrying with me and whether or not I could actually really deal with it and face the problem before putting it behind me. As I know there are things in my life that I have never really faced and when thoughts about them do come to the surface I just try to ignore them and I distract myself from them by self-harming. Maybe, just maybe, the reason why I feel inadequate and useless is the fact that I dropped out of uni, not once but twice. And so I felt and still feel that I let my parents down, even though I know that I didn't and that they have always supported me no matter what, deep down I seem to feel this need to prove myself to them and yet I know that they are so supportive of me and that they would never judge me or stop loving me and yet that is the one thing that I am convinced will happen, I just keep expecting them to turn round and just say that they don't love me anymore. But that won't happen if they haven't said that already after what I have put them through then I know that they won't do so now.
I guess that it is right that sometimes just letting the thoughts out can help you to deal with what is happening, but then again that is the basic premise of counselling or at least some types of counselling. And I suppose that writing here means that all these thoughts which I would normally never verbalise are put out there for anyone to read, which allows me to talk without really talking. I suppose that what it does is gives people the real me so that they can think whatever they want but at least they have the full truth to work with rather than just the small amount that I usually give.
Maybe what I should do is let the thoughts out so that I am no longer burdened with them and I can finally be allowed to fly and reach whatever potential I may have.
I suppose it's that age old question of nature vs nurture and which one dictates the human you become. I suppose I think it's a combination of the two, which I think is the same for anyone in this world, but that then leads to the question of why was I verbally bullied at school, what was it about me that led the people to want to behave that way towards me. I know that part of it was the "sheep syndrome" where some people will just follow what everyone else does, but the reason behind the bullying was such an unimportant one and yet it led to name calling and people refusing to stand near me, little things but enough to make me feel inadequate and suspicious. Actually to be correct I don't know for sure what was behind it but from where I stood it seemed to have very little to do with who I actually was and more to do with my dad's job which is actually just ridiculous, and yes it only lasted for a year and what was really weird was the fact that the people who started it and encouraged it were the ones to put a stop to it.
Actually thinking about it, it is amazing how many things that have happened in my past do still dictate how I react now and maybe that is also why I can be quite immature for my age.
It was reading another blog that really made me think all this, as it made me wonder what emotional baggage I carrying with me and whether or not I could actually really deal with it and face the problem before putting it behind me. As I know there are things in my life that I have never really faced and when thoughts about them do come to the surface I just try to ignore them and I distract myself from them by self-harming. Maybe, just maybe, the reason why I feel inadequate and useless is the fact that I dropped out of uni, not once but twice. And so I felt and still feel that I let my parents down, even though I know that I didn't and that they have always supported me no matter what, deep down I seem to feel this need to prove myself to them and yet I know that they are so supportive of me and that they would never judge me or stop loving me and yet that is the one thing that I am convinced will happen, I just keep expecting them to turn round and just say that they don't love me anymore. But that won't happen if they haven't said that already after what I have put them through then I know that they won't do so now.
I guess that it is right that sometimes just letting the thoughts out can help you to deal with what is happening, but then again that is the basic premise of counselling or at least some types of counselling. And I suppose that writing here means that all these thoughts which I would normally never verbalise are put out there for anyone to read, which allows me to talk without really talking. I suppose that what it does is gives people the real me so that they can think whatever they want but at least they have the full truth to work with rather than just the small amount that I usually give.
Maybe what I should do is let the thoughts out so that I am no longer burdened with them and I can finally be allowed to fly and reach whatever potential I may have.
Saturday 25 August 2007
Procrastination!
Yet again I didn't go out for a walk and the photos are of what I did instead. But I am quite proud of them as they are quite complicated in design and each of them took me three hours to complete. (sorry about the quality of the picture, they were taken on my phone.)But I do seem to just keep putting things off at the moment, going for a walk, contacting a counsellor, I'm getting really good at the procrastination thing! Although it hasn't yet included the pile of dishes that are sitting in the kitchen, but the reason I haven't done them yet is for two reasons, one I am still hopeful that my brother will do them and second I really hate washing up liquid. Its one of those unexplained things I just hate the smell of it and the smell gets onto my hands making me feel anxious. I can't stand strong scented things on my hands and to make matters worse my hands are covered in scars at the moment and I don't really want to put them into hot water or into rubber gloves as I don't have enough dressings to get through the weekend if I do that. But if the dishes haven't been done by tomorrow afternoon then I guess that I will just have to do them.
It's just another one of my little quirks I guess, I do have this big thing about my hands smelling strongly of things, actually I have this thing about really strong smells anyway, it seems that since I took up smoking rather than being less sensitive to smell I have become even more! But then again I am a bit strange like that, as smoking tends to make me feel hungry rather than inhibiting the hunger.
I've been feeling OK today but I think that's mainly because I haven't given myself the chance to just stop and think I have kept myself busy and that seems to help although I do know that come 4am if I'm still awake then all the thoughts will come and annoy me and keep me up but that's about normal for me. Oh well if I post again at four then it's obvious that's happened but I guess that I just have to wait and see.
It's amazing
It really is quite incredible how I can go from feeling relatively happy to suddenly feeling worthless and rubbish, I just don't know how to deal with things. I suppose that this is always the case for me at this time in the morning, its when all my anxieties and fears come out and say hello. It's like my brain says, "hey things are going OK so what I'm going to do is spoil it" followed by the required evil laughter!
But being more serious it is at this time of the morning that I realise how alone I am in this world, yes I have family but that's it, there really isn't anyone in this world that I would count as a true friend and that seems so sad. And the only way for me to make friends is to be brave enough to talk to someone first but that just scares me as I feel that they would only be friends with me because they feel sorry for me. Boy do I have a skewed view of the world, I seem to have two conflicting ideas about people, on one hand I want to be liked by everyone but on the other I do know that isn't possible and I have always in the past been happy with the fact that not everyone will like me.
I suppose I also wonder what is the point of me writing this, as I am the only person who will ever read it, I'd be just as well writing all this rubbish down in a diary or a journal and just forget about this.
Why the hell am i such a pathetic person?
OK so I think that I need to go and get some sleep because I'm not going to get any where tonight if I keep thinking like this. I should try to look or the positives in my life but at the moment I just can't think of any.
I give up, maybe I will just delete this and stop trying to be someone that I'm obviously not, I'm not outgoing I'm shy, I have no self-confidence and I think that everything I do is rubbish.
Anyway let's just stop here and I think that even though it's really early in the morning I will treat myself to some ice-cream, that might make me feel better, or I could just shut off the computer and self-harm which also seems like a really good idea. I mean I already broke my pact with myself to not self-harm for a week so why not, no-one will stop me as there isn't anyone who I can talk to. Writing the problems down doesn't help it just leads me to focus on them and the only thing that can sometimes stop me is a hug and there ain't anyone to give me one of them.
But being more serious it is at this time of the morning that I realise how alone I am in this world, yes I have family but that's it, there really isn't anyone in this world that I would count as a true friend and that seems so sad. And the only way for me to make friends is to be brave enough to talk to someone first but that just scares me as I feel that they would only be friends with me because they feel sorry for me. Boy do I have a skewed view of the world, I seem to have two conflicting ideas about people, on one hand I want to be liked by everyone but on the other I do know that isn't possible and I have always in the past been happy with the fact that not everyone will like me.
I suppose I also wonder what is the point of me writing this, as I am the only person who will ever read it, I'd be just as well writing all this rubbish down in a diary or a journal and just forget about this.
Why the hell am i such a pathetic person?
OK so I think that I need to go and get some sleep because I'm not going to get any where tonight if I keep thinking like this. I should try to look or the positives in my life but at the moment I just can't think of any.
I give up, maybe I will just delete this and stop trying to be someone that I'm obviously not, I'm not outgoing I'm shy, I have no self-confidence and I think that everything I do is rubbish.
Anyway let's just stop here and I think that even though it's really early in the morning I will treat myself to some ice-cream, that might make me feel better, or I could just shut off the computer and self-harm which also seems like a really good idea. I mean I already broke my pact with myself to not self-harm for a week so why not, no-one will stop me as there isn't anyone who I can talk to. Writing the problems down doesn't help it just leads me to focus on them and the only thing that can sometimes stop me is a hug and there ain't anyone to give me one of them.
Oops!
I kinda forgot to go for a walk today, it wasn't intentional but i started on a new embroidery technique and got a little carried away with the time and before I knew it, it was dark and as I really don't like going for a walk on my own in the dark I decided against going. But I will try to get out tomorrow even if it's raining!
My day really was spent doing very little and really concentrating on this new embroidery technique, which is why I am still up at 4AM as I started and just didn't want to put it down until I had finished the area that I was on.
But maybe if I concentrate and actually keep the idea of a walk in my head for more than two seconds then I will get out.
My day really was spent doing very little and really concentrating on this new embroidery technique, which is why I am still up at 4AM as I started and just didn't want to put it down until I had finished the area that I was on.
But maybe if I concentrate and actually keep the idea of a walk in my head for more than two seconds then I will get out.
Thursday 23 August 2007
Another Day
So I ended up rambling a lot last night in the post and I suppose I just wanted to get some things off my chest but all it seemed to do was to lead to yet another sleepless night but that seems to be normal for me at the moment.
As for today, well I managed to go out for a walk twice today! So I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself especially since I was feeling pretty rotten before I went for the second walk and yet rather than not doing it I did and OK so I still feel rotten now but at least I did something positive, but in regards to everything else well I've just left them to one side for the moment and I am concentrating on the walking aspect so I can build up both muscles and confidence in being out and about.
Tomorrow is another day and as long as the sun is still shining then maybe I will carry on feeling not too bad about things and actually manage to do things, I don't know what but maybe I will walk a little bit further or something like that.
As for today, well I managed to go out for a walk twice today! So I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself especially since I was feeling pretty rotten before I went for the second walk and yet rather than not doing it I did and OK so I still feel rotten now but at least I did something positive, but in regards to everything else well I've just left them to one side for the moment and I am concentrating on the walking aspect so I can build up both muscles and confidence in being out and about.
Tomorrow is another day and as long as the sun is still shining then maybe I will carry on feeling not too bad about things and actually manage to do things, I don't know what but maybe I will walk a little bit further or something like that.
What's the point?
It's late at night and I just can't help but wonder what is the point of anything. I just seem to be using this so that I can moan on about things that really shouldn't bother me, and there are others in this world who are suffering even more than me and they don't complain or moan about it they just get on and do it. I suppose the thing is that I am an insecure person who craves attention but when I get it I just shy away and run and hide in the corner convinced that the person doesn't like me or just feels sorry for me. I just can't seem to be able to reconcile the truth of life with my own way of thinking as it differs do drastically. It would be great if there was a way for me to get better without me putting in any effort, as at the moment I swing between being OK and feeling really down, which then leads me to self-harm and feel worthless and useless, a waste of space. And I know that I will be the only person who reads this as why would anyone else want to? It's not clever or funny or intelligent it's just the ramblings of a pathetic little human being who is of no significance within this large ever expanding universe.
Years ago I remember feeling as if I was separated from the real world by a plate of glass, I could see what was happening but i couldn't interact and now that feeling seems to have come true, OK so it's through my own problems but at the moment I am completely detached from the rest of the world with no real way to interact. I know that I could take part in forums or chat rooms or join things like myspace etc, but i just feel unable to do so, I get anxious and frightened about letting anyone any where near me and so that stops me taking part. I am the one you see sitting on the sidelines not interacting and being ignored because of it. I just don't have the confidence to jump right in and take part. Even at school I was like this, I would be the one on the outside of the circle with every one's back to them, and I know that is impossible in real terms but it felt like that, it just felt like I was being pushed out and I know that it was my own fault in not joining in but I am a naturally shy person.
I don't think that at the moment I can do anything right, OK so that's an exaggeration but that is how I think. Who knows, maybe if I follow my targets and complete then I could become a useful member of society. Any way I'm going to go now and try to get some sleep and maybe things will seem brighter in the morning.
Years ago I remember feeling as if I was separated from the real world by a plate of glass, I could see what was happening but i couldn't interact and now that feeling seems to have come true, OK so it's through my own problems but at the moment I am completely detached from the rest of the world with no real way to interact. I know that I could take part in forums or chat rooms or join things like myspace etc, but i just feel unable to do so, I get anxious and frightened about letting anyone any where near me and so that stops me taking part. I am the one you see sitting on the sidelines not interacting and being ignored because of it. I just don't have the confidence to jump right in and take part. Even at school I was like this, I would be the one on the outside of the circle with every one's back to them, and I know that is impossible in real terms but it felt like that, it just felt like I was being pushed out and I know that it was my own fault in not joining in but I am a naturally shy person.
I don't think that at the moment I can do anything right, OK so that's an exaggeration but that is how I think. Who knows, maybe if I follow my targets and complete then I could become a useful member of society. Any way I'm going to go now and try to get some sleep and maybe things will seem brighter in the morning.
Wednesday 22 August 2007
Off to a slow start
So I had decided today would be the day that I started to implement some of my targets and to be fair I did go out and walk about 100 yards which may not seem much but it is probably the furthest I have walked in months, so I a least managed that.
On the downside my sleep pattern seems to have gotten even more out of sync as i stayed up all night and only actually succumbed to sleep at 2PM so by my reckoning I managed to stay awake for 23 hours! Although this may end up being a good thing as I am so tired right now that I will probably go to bed early and therefore wake up early so at least it sort of kick starts the whole process of re-aligning my sleep pattern.
Another plus point to today was the fact that I conquered my fear of talking to Doctors and managed to phone my GP and ask them about the pain I have been having in my back for the last three weeks. It turns out that all I have to do is take painkillers and wait as it seems to be sciatica , but the problem with this is that I hate taking medication as I get really frightened and paranoid about what it might do to me. There is a rational part of my brain that is simply saying "don't be stupid, it won't hurt you." but the irrational side of my brain just freaks out and so I struggle. But since the pain is quite bad I know that I will have to take the drugs and so that is another challenge for me to overcome. As if I don't my back won't improve and that will then rebound on my plans to walk everyday (since it is painful when I walk any distance)
I guess the thing is that I don't fully realise what all my anxieties are and as I try to improve things in my life I just keep coming up against more of them and have to deal with them as well. In fact I only realised the extent of my problems when I actually sat down and wrote a list of everything that I have problems with or worry about.
On top of my pain and the need to fix my life and get out, I am also getting stressed with the Open University course that I am doing at the moment as it just seems to prey on my basic thoughts that I am useless. The thing is that I just don't seem to be able to deal well with what the course is asking me to do and therefore I get middling to bad marks which just makes me feel useless. And I do know that I can't be perfect at everything in this world, but I think it's just the fact that what I think is good doesn't seem to match with the criteria of the course and my biggest fear is of failing it as it is a creative writing course and to fail that just makes me feel that I have no imagination. But then again I do think there is a part of me that just craves perfection in everything that I do, and if I can't do something quickly I just end up giving up and walking away even though if I carried on I may be successful.
Anyway, I think that's enough from me today, a woozy state seems to be good in that I feel able to write things that I may not otherwise admit to. But tomorrow is another day and I will go for another walk, even if it's raining and maybe I will actually contact the counsellor and see if they will take me on as a patient.
On the downside my sleep pattern seems to have gotten even more out of sync as i stayed up all night and only actually succumbed to sleep at 2PM so by my reckoning I managed to stay awake for 23 hours! Although this may end up being a good thing as I am so tired right now that I will probably go to bed early and therefore wake up early so at least it sort of kick starts the whole process of re-aligning my sleep pattern.
Another plus point to today was the fact that I conquered my fear of talking to Doctors and managed to phone my GP and ask them about the pain I have been having in my back for the last three weeks. It turns out that all I have to do is take painkillers and wait as it seems to be sciatica , but the problem with this is that I hate taking medication as I get really frightened and paranoid about what it might do to me. There is a rational part of my brain that is simply saying "don't be stupid, it won't hurt you." but the irrational side of my brain just freaks out and so I struggle. But since the pain is quite bad I know that I will have to take the drugs and so that is another challenge for me to overcome. As if I don't my back won't improve and that will then rebound on my plans to walk everyday (since it is painful when I walk any distance)
I guess the thing is that I don't fully realise what all my anxieties are and as I try to improve things in my life I just keep coming up against more of them and have to deal with them as well. In fact I only realised the extent of my problems when I actually sat down and wrote a list of everything that I have problems with or worry about.
On top of my pain and the need to fix my life and get out, I am also getting stressed with the Open University course that I am doing at the moment as it just seems to prey on my basic thoughts that I am useless. The thing is that I just don't seem to be able to deal well with what the course is asking me to do and therefore I get middling to bad marks which just makes me feel useless. And I do know that I can't be perfect at everything in this world, but I think it's just the fact that what I think is good doesn't seem to match with the criteria of the course and my biggest fear is of failing it as it is a creative writing course and to fail that just makes me feel that I have no imagination. But then again I do think there is a part of me that just craves perfection in everything that I do, and if I can't do something quickly I just end up giving up and walking away even though if I carried on I may be successful.
Anyway, I think that's enough from me today, a woozy state seems to be good in that I feel able to write things that I may not otherwise admit to. But tomorrow is another day and I will go for another walk, even if it's raining and maybe I will actually contact the counsellor and see if they will take me on as a patient.
Targets
So now I suppose I have to put in my targets and the timescale for them. Well here are the ones that I can think of at the moment.
1) Start going out again, which involves walking a certain distance every day and increasing it each week. so for the next week, I will attempt to walk at least to the end of my drive ( Which is quite a distance)
2) Sort out my sleeping habits, as staying up until 6AM everyday and sleeping until 1 or 2PM really isnt doing me any good. So to do this I will stop going onto my computer after 1AM and will try to get up by 12PM for the next week and slowly make my get up time earlier each week, so that in a matter of weeks I will be getting up at 10AM
3) Contact the private counsellor about either phone or email sessions so that I can start to get to the bottom of the depression and deal with the emotional baggage that I seem to be carrying around. This may also help me to find new ways to deal with emotions and stress instead of resorting to self-harm.
4) Begin to work my way through the book "Mind Over Mood" by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky, which should help me to change my thought patterns about events and so contribute to my overcoming of all my problems.
5) This is the big one, start going out in the car again, starting with just sitting in it and then being driven quater of a mile to the main road and back again and gradually increasing the distance until I feel comfortable travelling the 12 mile round trip to my nearest town.
6) When used to being out in the car begin getting out of the car again. To begin with just do so in my local village or somewhere else I feel comfortable before working my way up to being able to get out of the car in the town.
7) Try and get used to being around people again, which is dependent on me completing targets 5 and 6.
8) Try to update this regularly so that I can see how far I have gone and see when I achieve each target.
I think that is enough targets for the moment as anything else is totally dependant on me being able to complete these ones.
The timescale for this has to be a year which gives me time for any possible set-backs or unforseen circumatances, and I know that this seems a long time, but there is a huge amount of work here for me to do and some very difficult things to face and overcome.
1) Start going out again, which involves walking a certain distance every day and increasing it each week. so for the next week, I will attempt to walk at least to the end of my drive ( Which is quite a distance)
2) Sort out my sleeping habits, as staying up until 6AM everyday and sleeping until 1 or 2PM really isnt doing me any good. So to do this I will stop going onto my computer after 1AM and will try to get up by 12PM for the next week and slowly make my get up time earlier each week, so that in a matter of weeks I will be getting up at 10AM
3) Contact the private counsellor about either phone or email sessions so that I can start to get to the bottom of the depression and deal with the emotional baggage that I seem to be carrying around. This may also help me to find new ways to deal with emotions and stress instead of resorting to self-harm.
4) Begin to work my way through the book "Mind Over Mood" by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky, which should help me to change my thought patterns about events and so contribute to my overcoming of all my problems.
5) This is the big one, start going out in the car again, starting with just sitting in it and then being driven quater of a mile to the main road and back again and gradually increasing the distance until I feel comfortable travelling the 12 mile round trip to my nearest town.
6) When used to being out in the car begin getting out of the car again. To begin with just do so in my local village or somewhere else I feel comfortable before working my way up to being able to get out of the car in the town.
7) Try and get used to being around people again, which is dependent on me completing targets 5 and 6.
8) Try to update this regularly so that I can see how far I have gone and see when I achieve each target.
I think that is enough targets for the moment as anything else is totally dependant on me being able to complete these ones.
The timescale for this has to be a year which gives me time for any possible set-backs or unforseen circumatances, and I know that this seems a long time, but there is a huge amount of work here for me to do and some very difficult things to face and overcome.
Starting Point
So, i think that I have come to a decision that i need to take some positive actions in terms of trying to sort out all my problems. And as a way to keep track of things that i have to do, i will try to write something in here so that I can get a little bit forward.
So first things first, I'm Fizzgig I'm nearly 25 and for the last three or so years I have been suffering from agoraphobia, social phobia, anxiety and depression, with some self-harm issuses on the side. And at the moment I need to find a way to sort myself out, having tried and failed in the past.
So first things first, I'm Fizzgig I'm nearly 25 and for the last three or so years I have been suffering from agoraphobia, social phobia, anxiety and depression, with some self-harm issuses on the side. And at the moment I need to find a way to sort myself out, having tried and failed in the past.
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