General Update

I have been lax at writing here regularly but the thing is there really isn't anything new to say. My life is just plodding on as it always has, my sleep pattern is screwed up, I still struggle to eat new things, I get paranoid about being ill and I just want to hide away. But maybe if i actually feel up to the fight I will phone the Doctors this morning and see if they can give me some help as it really has become ridiculous how frightened I have become I really have taken about a million steps back from where I was at this time last year.
Oh well that's all from me at the moment as to write anymore would just be a waste of time.

Reality Check

Reality has hit, I have to start making positive moves towards getting better and soon. Because the whole idea of us moving house is beginning to get real. In as little as 14 months I could be living in a new house somewhere else, unfortunately I have no idea where, and if I'm not getting out and about how am I meant to travel to the new house. So a little task for myself is to try and get to see a Doctor so I can begin to discuss what I could do or take that would make it easier for me to do things. The biggest problem is the fact that I hate taking tablets and most medicines when in liquid form tastes of bananas which I dislike! The whole thing just scares me so much as I don't know what to do.
Oh well, that's enough moaning from me, it doesn't achieve anything.

Positive/Negative

So after yesterdays depressing post I thought that I would try and be more upbeat today, and I can say that I not only went for a walk but I also cleaned my room. But apart from that nothing much has changed I still feel anxious but I don't know what about and I don't know how to fix anything.
Oh and I don't really know if it is a good or a bad thing but I no longer feel like self-harm. I just can't see the point of it as I don't think it would actually help to relieve any of these feelings that are bothering me at the moment. And yet I still want to just in case this time I do begin to feel better.
You know what, I may stop posting for a few days simply because I need some quiet time away from my computer and because there isn't much point in posting when every post is going to end up being the same.

I realised something today, how easier everyone's lives would be if i didn't exist. As much as I hate to say it, in some ways I now regret not committing suicide when I was tempted to. Because if I didn't exist then my dad could retire whenever he wanted to and they wouldn't be stressed by all the problems I cause them. I didn't commit suicide because I thought it would hurt my family too much, but in reality I have caused them more hurt and upset by living. I really don't like feeling this way but at least it's honestly how I feel. I have known for years that I am a worthless person and now it feels like that has been confirmed. The whole family hate living here and yet they are unable to move because I'm so fucking useless at getting my life sorted out. Even though the thought of it scares me stupid, in some ways I wish that I could just fall asleep and never wake up again, not feel any pain and just cease to exist, because to be honest who would miss me? I have no friends as such, I have no life, I will never make a difference to anyone's life, so what is the point of me?
I can no longer cope with feeling this way, and I don't know how to fix things anymore. I don't even want to self-harm as this feel real, and it scares me so much that I can feel this way. I know that I won't do anything stupid, mainly because there isn't the chance to but I just want to give up and hide away. It really is the old thing of one step forward and twenty million steps back.
And I hide how I feel from them, I hide the fact that all I want to do is cry my eyes out and apologise for being a terrible daughter. It wasn't until tonight that I actually realised how strong the mask I place on is. Especially when I am around them. I just pretend and act like everything is normal when inside hidden away all these feelings are bubbling over. I hate the fact that I feel this way, and writing it down does help, if only because it means I face up to them and accept them. I suppose that could be why I never really get upset over my situation as I have accepted it as normal for so long that anything else comes as a complete shock to me. And now the unfeeling numbness has returned and I don't understand why I was so upset before. I know that what I wrote was how I felt but now it seems like someone else wrote it, rather than me. I'm going to give up writing now, because I'm just getting more and more confused, and that really isn't a good state for me to be in at this time of night.

Clothes Clearance

So I managed to clear out my wardrobe and now I have a bin-bag full of clothes to go to Oxfam, but I also have a mountain of washing to do! So I think something strange has been happening in my wardrobe, I think the clothes are breeding as that is the only logical explanation, or maybe the fact that I kept buying clothes without throwing any out, but I prefer my original idea!
What is also frightening is the fact that I found clothes I didn't know existed, I couldn't remember ever wearing them, never mind actually buying them, so hopefully I now have a collection of clothes that fit me and possibly I will start spending more time dressed than in pyjamas!

The walk that was scheduled to take place on Thursday may now happen tomorrow, depending on how I feel, simply because it looks like it's going to rain on Thursday and I really want to go out in my new hat and I don't know if it is waterproof or not. Although it doesn't contain the label 'not to be worn in rain' on the inside which is a bonus so it might be OK but I don't want to chance it. Anyway, I will probably let you know either Wednesday or Thursday as to whether or not I have achieved my walk and earned my new stripy jumpers.

Update: I couldn't be bothered to start another post, but right now I am feeling so disappointed in myself. I self-harmed and I have been so good recently, I have been able to overcome the feelings and get on without injuring myself. But tonight I slipped, and it was over the most insignificant, pointless thing. And I don't know why it affected me so much but this little thing was enough to cause me anguish, and I suppose in some ways it was also just a way to make myself realise that it did happen, rather than it just being a dream. And I suppose that is what I use self-harm for, it is my way of reminding myself that I am part of this world and that this whole existence isn't a dream. Sorry for the slightly more depressing end post but I just wanted to get it out.

Conspiracy?...

So in my moments of paranoia I think there is a little conspiracy out there. A while ago I randomly decided to create a profile on a networking site, and to begin with there was only the basic friend who everyone gets, before I decided to add someone else, who amazingly enough accepted my add! But anyway, after a few weeks I decided that I wanted to cancel my account, but the confirmation email never appeared and the next day I found that five or six people wanted to be my friend, now that's a little strange, in that as soon as I want to leave more people who want to be my friends appear. And this keeps happening, every time I try to cancel the account, I never get a confirmation email and more people want to be my friend, and because I am slightly bored and curious as to how many people will keep requesting to be my friend I just add them. I think that the site must put up a notice somewhere that I want to leave and therefore people decide to try and add me. And the weirdest thing is that I never contact these people, but I suppose it's just that as soon as you add one someone else sees and thinks that they might as well try. And most of the friend requests do come from bands, most of which are really decent.
Serves me right for doing something so out of character, and I don't have the confidence to actually message these people, in fact it took me about three attempts to actually request one person to be my friend, so I guess they probably see me as a little bit weird, especially as I ended up asking them to be my friend and then cancelling it, probably after they had received the email. I really do have some problems, when even Internet people scare the living daylights out of me! But at least none of these people know who I am, as I'm just registered as Fizzgig, so the only item of truth on the site is my star sign and location, both of which are vague.
Although I do have to admit to feeling more and more paranoid as the night goes on, mainly because people just keep requesting to be my friend, I really want to run away and hide and I certainly don't understand why I keep accepting these requests. I think I have finally lost the plot. And to make matters worse, for some reason I feel like I have offended people and I don't know what I have done. Anyone willing to help me sort this nonsense out!?!

On a completely different note my stripyness of jumpers and tops arrived today, all I have to do now is actually start going out, so I can show them off! But I think that will be the last ones I buy for a while, simply because otherwise I will have an excess of tops and I have enough clothes as it is, admittedly about half of them no longer fit me, I really should clear my wardrobe out soon and actually see what can be kept and what needs getting rid of. Although if I go by the rule of it goes if I haven't worn it in five years then quite a sizable amount of clothes will go, and I will be left with very little!

Some bleakness and some positiveness

I don't know what to do. A very bleak statement but a correct one, since yesterday I have filled eleven sides of A4 paper with some truths about the situation I'm in, most of which I have already written here but there were some things that I had never really considered before and to be honest they scared me. Not because they were horrible but because I had never realised that was how I felt about things. And in one way they clarified how I feel but at the same time they seemed to have muddied the water a little bit more. Oh well normal service has resumed then!

Trying to be a little bit more positive, I have set myself a challenge for this coming week, on Thursday (17Th) I have resolved to go for a walk. And the only reason I did so was because for Christmas the house got a calender that's a family planner, so every month has a column for each family member and mine seemed empty and everyone else had at least one thing on it, so I thought that I will add something to my column and the only thing I could think about was going for a walk. So fingers crossed I will actually go and as an added incentive ( and one that I couldn't really afford) I bought myself a stripy cardigan, it's not black and white but I thought that blue and white was close enough to do me, but in justification it was in the sale and as there was a sale I will soon be the proud owner of yet another black and white jumper! It's getting kinda worrying, but for some reason that combination of colours always cheers me up. So I'm now thinking that if I don't manage to go for a walk, even if it is just round the house, then I will have to give up both the cardigan and jumper until I manage to go, even if it takes a month.

The Little Things

It has never failed to amaze me how the little things in life are the ones that can lift me out of the doldrums and really cheer me up. Take today, I woke up in a grumpy mood and really wasn't good company and then I got a package in the post. It contained the socks that I had ordered (as a treat) and that cheered me a little but what really got me was the fact that within this three pack there was a pair of stripy socks, which isn't that amazing on its own but the fact that they were also covered in spots was. To me this was something really cheering and of course I put them straight on, just so I can make myself smile if nothing else.
It never fails to amaze me how its sometimes the smallest things that will change the way I feel.

On a slightly different train of thought, I found the most amazing website which most folk may have already heard of its called PostSecret. And people send this guy their secrets and he will place them onto his website, along with that there are three books of which I have two and they are the most moving books that I have read in a long time, they really make you think and at times they are just saying what you want to say but can't. I don't think that I have explained this very well, but take a look at the website as that explains it even better than I can. ( Just click on the word postsecret and it should take you there)

Blank

It's funny but re-reading through all the posts makes me feel nothing at all. I don't feel sad or unhappy I just feel blank. They don't move me in anyway, maybe that's because I wrote them but usually when I read through things that I have written they will make me sit back and think or at least wonder why I was acting so stupidly, but instead I feel nothing and for some reason it really unsettles me.

Stuff and nonsense

I suppose it's just early morning blues, but I am really struggling with things at the moment. I just feel like a fraud, always complaining about my situation but I'm not even sure how much of it is true. I just feel like everything I write here and all the thoughts I have about what is wrong with me don't really belong to me. I don't know whose they are but I just cannot believe that they are mine.

I think things are taking that usual downward turn that happens every so often the only problem is that I don't think things can get any worse, and I'm so scared every single day that I am going to get ill, and I just hope and pray that I will be OK. I don't think I have ever felt this scared before in my life and I hate it so much. I just cannot cope with the idea that either me or someone in my family might be unwell, and what makes it worse is that once I start thinking these things my mind just dwells on them and I have no peace.

I want to sleep but I'm frightened to, I need to know that everything will be OK today and there is no guarantee about that and that just scares me even more.

I really just want to hide away from the world, I am slowly but surely causing myself untold amounts of harm but not looking after myself properly. And I am aware of this and yet I do nothing to fix it, I'm just so frightened all the time and I can't cope with it anymore. And the truth is that I may never 'publish' this post simply because who in their right mind would want to read it.

OK, so I came back to this again, simply because I don't know what to do about my paranoia and fear about the whole thing

May as well just keep adding to this as well I can't be bothered just starting a new post, and who knows maybe I will just post this as a reminder to myself about how bad I can actually get over things. I suppose the truth is that I am beginning to worry myself, take for example the fact that I went to make myself something to drink and my cup was still dirty, now rather than getting a little annoyed and then just cleaning it, I started to cry and was intent on trying to do myself damage without actually breaking the skin. I was grabbing my hands and pushing them right back so that they would hurt and feel uncomfortable, if no-one else was in the house I would have either punched a wall very hard or just smashed the cup to the floor just to get rid of the tension within me, and the problem is that I ended up feeling that tense again simply because there was chicken in the house.
It just isn't healthy, the amount that I want to damage myself, even sitting here just now I want to hurt myself simply to take my mind off the fact that every other part of my life is so crap. The other thing is that I know I should speak to a Doctor about all this and the fact that my IBS is back again but it's just too much hassle, I can't get out so if a Doctor was to see me it would have to be a home visit, but that then makes me feel guilty for wasting their time plus the fact that to actually get a home visit means making sure that I am up before nine and then arguing with them about why I need a visit. And to be honest I don't really see the point as all that will happen is I will get really stressed out and then either just give in or start crying at them which really solves nothing except to make them feel nervous of me and me to feel really pathetic and pointless. Oh well, I think that I will just go back to my normal routine of hiding away and hoping that everything will become better by itself.

Sorry for such a weird post but I would rather get this all out of my head and somewhere else rather than keep it all bottled up inside, and anyway to end on a more positive note, I have signed up for a short course with the OU and have just received some of the course information today so I am anxious for it to begin.

Happy New Year

Well another year over and in some ways I am glad to see the back of it. It has been a long time since I have had a year that was so stressful, and I don't think that I have ever struggled so much to some to terms with coursework and life in general.
But on a positive note I have started 2008 on a positive note, I went for a walk today, and for me that really is an achievement as it has been a couple of months since I last went any further than the front door. All the good ideas that I stated when I started this blog seem to have gone out of the window, although in 2007 I did manage to get my sleep pattern back into something resembling normality, although this is starting to slide again so I have to keep an eye on it, and I did try to contact the private counsellor but she no longer seems to do phone consultations and I never really checked back on the information since my one failed attempt. And I have kinda posted in here regularly although not that often recently, but that's mainly because I haven't been feeling well and most of the posts would have been about how sucky I felt my life was.
So I think that now may be a good time to write out some of the things I would like to achieve in 2008 just as an exercise in curiosity as much as anything, because I won't hold them as concrete things and instead I will just try and see what I can make of the year to come.

Right then;
1) Go out of the house at least three times a week, even if it's only for a walk round the house.
2) Try to get back into going out in the car
3) Sort out my eating habits, and try new foods so that my diet improves
4) Try and see if I can find a counsellor who is willing to work with me and help me out
5) Try and interact with people, even if it's just in forums
6) Continue with my OU studies and try not to get too stressed out with the coursework
7) Admit to myself all my problems and face up to them and how I can overcome them
8) Just try and regain a life that is slightly more normal and healthy than it is at the moment.

Well let's see how many of them I will be able to complete and who knows as the year progresses maybe I will add more.
Anyway, I hope everyone out there had a good Christmas and I hope that their new year will be a successful and profitable one.