I realised something today, how easier everyone's lives would be if i didn't exist. As much as I hate to say it, in some ways I now regret not committing suicide when I was tempted to. Because if I didn't exist then my dad could retire whenever he wanted to and they wouldn't be stressed by all the problems I cause them. I didn't commit suicide because I thought it would hurt my family too much, but in reality I have caused them more hurt and upset by living. I really don't like feeling this way but at least it's honestly how I feel. I have known for years that I am a worthless person and now it feels like that has been confirmed. The whole family hate living here and yet they are unable to move because I'm so fucking useless at getting my life sorted out. Even though the thought of it scares me stupid, in some ways I wish that I could just fall asleep and never wake up again, not feel any pain and just cease to exist, because to be honest who would miss me? I have no friends as such, I have no life, I will never make a difference to anyone's life, so what is the point of me?
I can no longer cope with feeling this way, and I don't know how to fix things anymore. I don't even want to self-harm as this feel real, and it scares me so much that I can feel this way. I know that I won't do anything stupid, mainly because there isn't the chance to but I just want to give up and hide away. It really is the old thing of one step forward and twenty million steps back.
And I hide how I feel from them, I hide the fact that all I want to do is cry my eyes out and apologise for being a terrible daughter. It wasn't until tonight that I actually realised how strong the mask I place on is. Especially when I am around them. I just pretend and act like everything is normal when inside hidden away all these feelings are bubbling over. I hate the fact that I feel this way, and writing it down does help, if only because it means I face up to them and accept them. I suppose that could be why I never really get upset over my situation as I have accepted it as normal for so long that anything else comes as a complete shock to me. And now the unfeeling numbness has returned and I don't understand why I was so upset before. I know that what I wrote was how I felt but now it seems like someone else wrote it, rather than me. I'm going to give up writing now, because I'm just getting more and more confused, and that really isn't a good state for me to be in at this time of night.