Another silly rant from me.

I have just realised how bad my fears and phobias are getting. I woke up this morning and promptly begin to worry and get anxious about things, mainly the fact that a member of my family wasn't well, and it really scares me how easily I become panicky about things. I just wish that I could go back in time and re-do the last seven years, retain all that I have learned and just re-live my life as maybe then I wouldn't make such a mess of the whole thing. But that just isn't possible and instead I have to deal with what has been dealt to me, and I can't. At the moment I just feel overwhelmed by everything, and angry, really angry at nothing in particular but it really scares me. Normally I am a quiet relatively calm person, but in the last few days I have been terrible, one day I ended up ripping all the pictures and things off my wall and throwing them across the room and I only just stopped short of taking the actual framed pictures down and throwing them. I just wanted to destroy everything within my room, actually even as I write this I can feel the anger beginning to build and I am so scared. I want to hurt myself and damage myself as I think that I would feel better afterwards and maybe the anger would go.
I don't even know why I am writing this stuff here, all it does is make me sound like a complete weirdo and I no longer know how to fix it. I want to be alone and yet I want company, I want to self-harm and yet my skin is in such bad condition that it wouldn't relieve the anguish inside me. I want to talk, to tell people how I feel, and yet I don't know who to turn to. As my problems aren't that serious, it's just me being a stupid weak individual.
You know I even got angry after decorating the Christmas tree and I really wanted to just go through and tear all the decorations off it and destroy what I worked hard to decorate, and why? because I really steeled myself to go through and help and what happens is that when they came through to see what I had done, they just hummed and made noises as if to say "yes it's nice, but it needs this and that and that isn't done right" Now I know I am probably exaggerating it within my mind and that annoys me even more. Once upon a time I could deal with things and see the bright side, but now I just feel like everyone judges me and I can only see the negative within the world.
I'm going to go back to hiding in my room watching stupid telly and hope that I will begin to feel slightly better soon.