Stuff and nonsense

I suppose it's just early morning blues, but I am really struggling with things at the moment. I just feel like a fraud, always complaining about my situation but I'm not even sure how much of it is true. I just feel like everything I write here and all the thoughts I have about what is wrong with me don't really belong to me. I don't know whose they are but I just cannot believe that they are mine.

I think things are taking that usual downward turn that happens every so often the only problem is that I don't think things can get any worse, and I'm so scared every single day that I am going to get ill, and I just hope and pray that I will be OK. I don't think I have ever felt this scared before in my life and I hate it so much. I just cannot cope with the idea that either me or someone in my family might be unwell, and what makes it worse is that once I start thinking these things my mind just dwells on them and I have no peace.

I want to sleep but I'm frightened to, I need to know that everything will be OK today and there is no guarantee about that and that just scares me even more.

I really just want to hide away from the world, I am slowly but surely causing myself untold amounts of harm but not looking after myself properly. And I am aware of this and yet I do nothing to fix it, I'm just so frightened all the time and I can't cope with it anymore. And the truth is that I may never 'publish' this post simply because who in their right mind would want to read it.

OK, so I came back to this again, simply because I don't know what to do about my paranoia and fear about the whole thing

May as well just keep adding to this as well I can't be bothered just starting a new post, and who knows maybe I will just post this as a reminder to myself about how bad I can actually get over things. I suppose the truth is that I am beginning to worry myself, take for example the fact that I went to make myself something to drink and my cup was still dirty, now rather than getting a little annoyed and then just cleaning it, I started to cry and was intent on trying to do myself damage without actually breaking the skin. I was grabbing my hands and pushing them right back so that they would hurt and feel uncomfortable, if no-one else was in the house I would have either punched a wall very hard or just smashed the cup to the floor just to get rid of the tension within me, and the problem is that I ended up feeling that tense again simply because there was chicken in the house.
It just isn't healthy, the amount that I want to damage myself, even sitting here just now I want to hurt myself simply to take my mind off the fact that every other part of my life is so crap. The other thing is that I know I should speak to a Doctor about all this and the fact that my IBS is back again but it's just too much hassle, I can't get out so if a Doctor was to see me it would have to be a home visit, but that then makes me feel guilty for wasting their time plus the fact that to actually get a home visit means making sure that I am up before nine and then arguing with them about why I need a visit. And to be honest I don't really see the point as all that will happen is I will get really stressed out and then either just give in or start crying at them which really solves nothing except to make them feel nervous of me and me to feel really pathetic and pointless. Oh well, I think that I will just go back to my normal routine of hiding away and hoping that everything will become better by itself.

Sorry for such a weird post but I would rather get this all out of my head and somewhere else rather than keep it all bottled up inside, and anyway to end on a more positive note, I have signed up for a short course with the OU and have just received some of the course information today so I am anxious for it to begin.