Ignore me

I just needed somewhere to rant and rave about how annoyed I feel at the moment. So feel free just to ignore this and carry on with your life.

The thing is when people start shouting and yelling I get upset, I just cannot cope with it. I begin thinking about self-harm and more often than not I do, the only reason I haven't done so is because I'm writing this and hopefully the urge will have passed by the time I'm finished here. At the moment my mum seems intent on yelling about everything at the top of her voice, now I can understand why, she is getting stressed about things and so that is her way of dealing with it. The problem is that we live in a bungalow with thin walls and I have good hearing, so it just feels like there is no escape from it, and I am almost tempted to go outside for a while just to get away from the noise. I hate when things change or peoples temperament change, I just can't cope with it. I have always become unsettled when things change or a routine is broken and it ends up really upsetting me, and I know that is stupid, I am nearly 25 I should be able to cope with people having raised voices or closing my curtains at night and yet I can't. For the last week or so I have been sleeping properly and then the other night I realised that I would have to shut my curtains as it might stop all the little flies coming into my room, and as soon as I did this my sleep pattern goes awry and why? Because I shut my curtains, I changed the routine and the environment and it unsettled me. And nothing affects me more than power cuts, especially at night, I really begin to freak out and nothing can calm me down.

So I went outside after writing that and even though it was raining slightly it was nice and quiet out there so that calmed me down a little, and when I came back inside I thought I'd try out a little experiment. As I said I've been having trouble sleeping since I started to close my curtains at night, and I wondered if the problem stemmed not from the actual closing of the curtains but the fact that they are not my usual ones. You see the ones I had on were a pale pink with hearts on and my normal ones are blue with yellow flowers and so I decided to change them, and I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens over the next few days. But whilst I was changing my curtains I finally decided to hover round the top of my walls and now all those spiders are trapped within the hover, and my walls aren't covered in spider webs any more, which may or may not be a good thing, it depends upon how many of those little flies attempt to get into my room tonight. But I suppose I could stop them if I actually turned my lights off at night, but that doesn't really appeal to me that much, considering I hate the dark, well I hate it being dark inside I don't mind being outside in the pitch dark it's just when I am trying to get to sleep that it bothers me.
Anyway, I am now going to find something to watch on TV and try to fight the little niggling urge to self-harm that still remains.