Stuff and nonsense in a long post

I sit here wondering what is actually wrong with me; I mean what is the fundamental problem? Is it just that I want attention and that is why I act the way I do? Am I just desperate for attention and feel that the only way I can get some is through being ill and unable to do things? Have I just tricked myself into believing that I have a problem or does it actually exist? And more importantly what is the point in my existence? To be honest I seem intent on doing my body harm without really thinking about it, I don’t eat properly, I take no exercise I smoke too much most days, I don’t really take care of myself at all. But at the same time I am so paranoid about becoming ill, if I just feel a little bit off-colour I tend to get anxious and need someone around who can distract me and help me sort out how I feel.

I have a whole host of problems concerning food, on the one day a week when there is chicken in the house I can get really worked up and paranoid about it, I will continually wash my hands after entering the kitchen, and often I will even change the sheets on my bed (I tend to eat in my room sitting on my bed with a tray in front of me) I will spend hours telling myself that my mum, who will have cooked it, is very careful with it and cleans all the surfaces and her hands thoroughly but that still changes nothing and I end up washing my hands in very hot water, hot enough so that it hurts. But then again I do this whenever I get anything out of the fridge, turn on the taps in the kitchen, and go outside. In a similar vein I will refuse to let people touch me or my clothing if I think that they have been in contact with something that I consider ‘dangerous’ and if they do I can't actually settle down until I have changed the clothing that I have worn. And I now find myself always turning the taps in the bathroom on with a bit of paper towel as I am so scared as to what is on it.

I also get upset if my clothes smell strongly of washing powder, so much so that most times when I do my washing it always goes through a second rinse cycle just so I am sure that no residue remains, and I hate it if someone comes into the house or my room with strong perfume or aftershave on, the smell annoys me and I find myself getting paranoid about it. I also get like this after washing my hair, I find myself unable to eat anything for a while afterwards and can't bear the thought of putting my hands anywhere near my mouth as I am so scared about the fact they smell strongly.

I know that all these things are stupid and yet if I forget or can't wash my hands I get really worried and annoyed. I have actually found myself sitting in the hallway with my hands held out in front of me waiting to get into the bathroom that I prefer, even if the other one in the house is empty, and getting really annoyed that someone is preventing me from my routine. I hate the fact that I am trapped within this situation, and I know that I am the only one, who can fix it, and yet I'm too scared to do so; it’s easier to be this way than have to face the world and what that will bring. And in that sense I am pathetic, I hide behind problems that may not really exist, I may just display the symptoms.

I’ll let you in on a little secret here, some days I really hate being me. I just wish that I could turn back time and go back to being the happy confident person I was when I was eight, and not go through all the problems that I have been though. My problems are nothing; they are so unimportant and silly that it really isn't worthwhile thinking about them just like me. I don’t even know if this is how I feel or how I think I should feel, I have no knowledge about anything, and to be honest I really don’t care. Why can't humans come with an instruction book and a reset button, or failing that a save function, so that when things are going well you can save it and then when things are just too confusing or terrible you can go back to the last save point and work forward from there.

Hide in a corner,
Run away and take cover,
Life sucks, no doubt