Merry Christmas!

I hope folks had a good Christmas and got all they wanted from Santa, I know that I did. I have to admit that even though I didn't really do anything I am glad that Christmas day is over, as for some reason after the presents have been opened and the afternoon wears on this melancholic feeling tends to settle on me and I just start wishing that everything could go back to normal, but boxing day is still to happen and then there is the fun of New Years Eve, which for some reason just isn't that exciting for me.

But enough of the moaning, I'm just glad that I got everything that I wanted and that my family all liked the gifts I got them.

Well, I hope that Christmas was fun for all and that the coming year will bring me and everyone the kind of year that they wish for.

Slightly Naughty!

It's nearly Christmas and today I was a little naughty, as I decided to go in search of presents. The only problem was the fact that I couldn't find any! Obviously my parents this year have hidden them well which is a good thing as it means I can't spoil Christmas too much!
But apart from that my days have been spent doing very little and just trying to get myself back to some sort of normality.

Another silly rant from me.

I have just realised how bad my fears and phobias are getting. I woke up this morning and promptly begin to worry and get anxious about things, mainly the fact that a member of my family wasn't well, and it really scares me how easily I become panicky about things. I just wish that I could go back in time and re-do the last seven years, retain all that I have learned and just re-live my life as maybe then I wouldn't make such a mess of the whole thing. But that just isn't possible and instead I have to deal with what has been dealt to me, and I can't. At the moment I just feel overwhelmed by everything, and angry, really angry at nothing in particular but it really scares me. Normally I am a quiet relatively calm person, but in the last few days I have been terrible, one day I ended up ripping all the pictures and things off my wall and throwing them across the room and I only just stopped short of taking the actual framed pictures down and throwing them. I just wanted to destroy everything within my room, actually even as I write this I can feel the anger beginning to build and I am so scared. I want to hurt myself and damage myself as I think that I would feel better afterwards and maybe the anger would go.
I don't even know why I am writing this stuff here, all it does is make me sound like a complete weirdo and I no longer know how to fix it. I want to be alone and yet I want company, I want to self-harm and yet my skin is in such bad condition that it wouldn't relieve the anguish inside me. I want to talk, to tell people how I feel, and yet I don't know who to turn to. As my problems aren't that serious, it's just me being a stupid weak individual.
You know I even got angry after decorating the Christmas tree and I really wanted to just go through and tear all the decorations off it and destroy what I worked hard to decorate, and why? because I really steeled myself to go through and help and what happens is that when they came through to see what I had done, they just hummed and made noises as if to say "yes it's nice, but it needs this and that and that isn't done right" Now I know I am probably exaggerating it within my mind and that annoys me even more. Once upon a time I could deal with things and see the bright side, but now I just feel like everyone judges me and I can only see the negative within the world.
I'm going to go back to hiding in my room watching stupid telly and hope that I will begin to feel slightly better soon.

Not guilty anymore

I just realised that I never mentioned the fact that I did pass my course and I got better than 40% so I am pretty pleased about it, although when I found out I did feel kinda numb and empty but I suppose that was to do with the fact that the course was so stressful to me and the fact that all I wanted was a pass and as long as I got that I didn't really care.

And there was no need for me to feel so guilty on Saturday as in the end I got up and decorated the Christmas tree, so I at least did something rather than just sit about in my bed feeling guilty about the whole thing.

But apart from that and putting some decorations up yesterday, I have just been sitting around reading, as alongside the five books for my birthday I also got a further three for passing my course and I still haven't finished them all yet which for me is quite an achievement! Although I do think that the literature courses have finally messed my brain up as when I was reading Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar I kept thinking that it would be really interesting to do a study into how mental illness is portrayed within books either that or do a comparison between it and Janice Galloway's The Trick is to Keep Breathing. So it seems that even though I am not doing a course at the moment my brain is still thinking in the manner of literature courses.

Oh well it's nearly Christmas just over a week to go and I even managed to resist the temptation to look inside a present, which for me is nothing short of amazing!

Guilt

At the moment I feel really guilty for not helping my parents set up the Christmas tree and decorate the house. I did help out on Thursday by wrapping all the presents for the relations that had to be given on Friday, but that seems like such a small thing. I just can't help but feel guilty about not doing much in the house even though I am tending to spend half the day feeling really rotten and not actually well enough to do anything, and even then I feel guilty for not feeling well and for not pulling myself together and getting on with things like everyone else in the world seems to do.

I think I don't really like Christmas that much, mainly because it is so stressful for the household, my dad is at his busiest and my mum is trying to get her dissertation finished as well as write another essay, organise Christmas and work. I really should do more to help but I don't know how.

I really am a waste of space.

Whinge

Why am I so unhappy? I have an OK life, my parents love me and take care of me and aren't too annoyed by the fact that I don't get out. I live in a nice house and that's it, I just can't think of anymore positive things about my life. I know that I should be positive as that just might make me feel slightly better and yet I just can't quite look on the bright side of life. And just to add to the general feeling of unhappiness the results for my course come out towards the end of the week and I am dreading what mark I will get. Although as long as it is 40% then I will be fine as that at least means that I will pass the course and OK it means that the overall pass is low but why should that matter?
I think my main problem at the moment is that I just feel so alone. There is no-one that I feel able to sound off to about my problems and that saddens me. In my darkest moments I really believe that I will never have close friends, I think that I will have acquaintances but I really doubt that I will ever find someone who I can truly confide in, but then again I don't think that I have had anyone like that in my life. I was always trying to share my problems but all that ended up happening was they started on their problems and I comforted them and was left no better off than I was to begin with.
Oh, I'm going to stop whinging now because to be honest I don't have any reason to, there are others in this world who are going through tougher times than me and they don't complain so why should I?

Happy Birthday to me!

So it is my birthday and as per usual I feel sorry for myself! I think it's just the fact that at the moment I feel unable to go out and so I can't really celebrate my birthday to any great degree, but then again I haven't ever really celebrated, so it's not like anything has changed. I suppose it's the same way that I dislike New Year's as it is just another day and I don't see what all the fuss is about,I usually stay up to see in the year but it just feels so weird as I'm just sitting around in my room as normal and watching TV, although the difference is that TV is absolutely atrocious as they expect everyone to be out celebrating.
But the positive side to birthday's is always the presents and this year I regressed slightly and am now the owner of a cute teddy bear who is at the moment nameless, and in a more adult frame of mind I got some books so that will be a good way to pass the next 48 hours! (Well at the moment I don't actually have the books but I will be getting them as soon as everyone else wakes up) Actually knowing me and depending upon the length of the three books I may have finished them all by tomorrow!
And just to make me feel even better I have had a grand total of one hours sleep and I am feeling slightly yucky at the moment, so it is just another normal day within my world, the only difference is that I am now a year older.

Actually it was five books so I think they may last me longer than just till tomorrow.

Stuff and Nonsense

It's so weird how you set a condition to something and within a very short period of time it all changes. That probably doesn't make that much sense and it is hard to explain but it's like you say to yourself if the phone rings in the next ten minutes then I will do the ironing and in that space of time the phone rings not once but twice so you go through with the deal. It is just one of those weird things, a coincidence more than anything but it does make me wonder what's going on in the world.



I think that I am now going to sit very quietly in the corner and try and work out what I am going to do, things at the moment are just confusing me beyond all belief. First my freeview box has decided to keep freezing every half-hour and all I can do is switch it on and off again but it is so annoying, especially as I am trying to distract myself from feeling rotten by watching TV. And then there is just the general confusion as to how I am feeling and what's going on.

Well after spending a really long forty minutes on the phone I am now getting a new freeview box sent out to me, but I REALLY hate having to phone companies. Why they must take so long to work out a simple problem and get you to repeat yourself over and over I just don't know. But hopefully that has solved the problem and with luck I will be able to watch TV again. And I am so grateful that I kept my old box as at least then I can use it rather than put up with having to walk across the room every half-hour.

Oh well I think that's enough moaning from me today and hey I just have two days to wait until I get presents!

Why???

Why must I be so feeble? And why can't I just live in the real world? I seem to spend so much of my time just daydreaming and I seem unable to fully connect with reality. I do know the difference between the two but it's just that in the dream world I can totally forget about all my troubles and be anyone want to be rather than this pathetic individual.
I seem to have cut myself off from the world even more now than ever, and that feels quite scary. I don't go out anywhere, I talk to no-one apart from my family and it has been about a month or more since I last saw anyone apart from the family and that really is quite a frightening thought.
I can quite safely say that I never thought my life would turn out like this. I was never that comfortable in social situations but I'd handle them and deal with it but now even the thought of phoning the Doctors is frightening to me. It would be nice if wishes came true but there are no magic wands or genie lamps and the only way I can change things is if I get up off my backside and do something, but then the little voice says "What's the point?" and all my good intentions go out the window and I am left stuck, trapped within four walls and unable to find the exit. I'm just stumbling about in the dark trying to find the light-switch, as most people in this world are. I doubt that anyone could honestly say that they thought their life would be as it is, which is some consolation.
I suppose the one thing I really want for Christmas this year is for me to get over all my anxieties and begin to live my life again, and I hope that in some ways this does become true for me.

Weird

The past few weeks really haven't been that brilliant for me. First I felt rotten which then led me to not eat properly as I was frightened that whatever I ate would make me feel worse. Then i stopped sleeping properly, in fact it has almost become impossible for me to sleep at night so I sleep through the day and then wake up at random points feeling really confused and dazed and my brain just doesn't want to work properly. Add to that the fact that every time I fall asleep I have the weirdest dreams, they often leave me feeling unsettled simply because they are so vivid, well apart from the one that I had earlier on which actually left me feeling happy and relaxed simply because it was a pleasant dream.
I suppose to be honest these last few weeks have been hard on me, as I just feel so scared a lot of the time for no real reason. I'd almost say that I was becoming depressed again, simply because it is that feeling of emptiness and isolation that has re-appeared, plus the fact that I am self-harming again and although I know that isn't a good thing for a few minutes it makes me feel better and stable again. But it really solves nothing and in the end all that happens is that the backs of my hands become nothing but scar tissue, although there isn't any change in the colour or actual visible evidence of the scars the skin is different in texture. But they and the scars on my hands are part of who I am and although sometimes I hate the fact that I have them I also know that at times they act as a reminder that I have been through tough times and survived and that in all probability I will survive again.