Help.

I know I shouldn't constantly write things here which show how little progress I make, but please forgive me as I need to get these feelings out of my head and into the real world.

I just feel so worthless and useless tonight, all I want to do is curl up and sleep but every time I close my eyes all these thoughts keep coming about times when I acted stupid or said something that offended others and they just won't go away.

I just want someone to give me a hug and listen to me, without judging me, just listen. But there isn't anyone who will do that for me anymore. I have lost every friend I have ever made and I doubt that I will ever make any new ones. Especially when I'm too frightened to even talk to people in a forum never mind real life.

And to top it off I just feel so stupid, I lurk in the forum for my next course and everyone seems so intelligent and so sure of what they mean in terms of the set books and I'm just sitting there like a lump not knowing or understanding what they are talking about. I want to do this course so that I Can prove to myself that I can get a Degree and yet I'm so scared that I will fail and not be able to achieve that, and if I don't then my whole family will see me as a failure as they have all achieved degrees of some sort, and they all seem so sure that I am able to do it. But I just don't understand where that knowledge comes from.

I am a stupid needy person. I need constant reassurance that what I am doing is right and I get so worked up when I don't know everything that is needed. For example in the last course you had to send in three copies of your final piece, now what really got to me was the fact that I wasn't told how to attach the sheets together, and it really bothered me and still does, and I feel stupid asking the question, and when I did ask my tutor they didn't know either and just told me that unless the notes said something it was unimportant. But what if i have done it wrong? What if I missed something and they won't accept it? I know these are stupid worries and I try to get them out of my head, but they just keep coming back again and again. And with this comes the stress which makes me feel angry and depressed and often leads to IBS ( can't think of the proper name for it). So I tend to spend my days feeling rotten and not wanting to do anything, never mind think about how to gt myself out of this stupid hole that I've put myself into.

And I also feel so guilty for moaning about my problems when most people in this world have it so much harder than me and yet they still manage to cope with the world, but I can't. It just scares me and I always end up feeling as if I am watching the world through a plate of glass which I cannot break through.

Sorry for going on, and to be honest I now feel even worse than I did before I started writing, but never mind. It's just that normal service has resumed in my own little world.