A little update

So the other night, after a really demoralizing day I finally decided to email a counsellor about possibly getting some sessions, only to find that the email was returned to me as being unable to be delivered. So now I either have to get my act together and phone or just give up on the idea for a while.
It's just so frustrating, I actually got the courage up to ask for help and it gets me nowhere, but then again that's typical for me, nothing is ever easy when I'm involved!
Apart from that I managed to get out the house today, and then spent the rest of the day feeling slightly stressed which apparently is my default mood at the moment. And it isn't helped by the fact that my leg has decided to hurt for no apparent reason.
Anyway I just hope that tomorrow will be a better day, but considering the fact that we have a plasterer coming in at some point I doubt that it will.

Time Wasting Quizzes

This is what happens when I can't sleep I spend the time taking silly quizzes! (And apparently I am a cat now and was a cat in a past life, and my daemon is a cat, I think I should get a cat!)

You Are A Hornbeam Tree

You are a reserved person, looking in from the outside. Naturally attractive, you take good care of your looks. You are not egoistic, and you make life as comfortable as possible. You look for kindness in others - though you are seldom happy with yourself. A bit mistrusting and unsure, you dream of being swept away by someone unusual.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

You Were a Cat

You are an independent person who inspires others with your dreams. A calm protector, you will fight when you need to.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

An apology of sorts.

Having just sat and read through all my posts I feel an apology is in order to anyone who bothers to read this nonsense. All I seem to do is just repeat the same old things in different ways, it is obvious that I have not moved one inch further forward within my life, in fact of anything I've managed to take an even bigger step backwards. So I am sorry for writing all this nonsense, and

who controls my thoughts? I know I have mentioned this before but I'm getting almost paranoid about why I think certain things. Especially as there doesn't seem to be any reason for me to think them. I am a lucky person, I have a family who loves me and takes care of me, I have a roof over my head and food whenever I want. And yet I feel incomplete, like something is missing within me, a feeling or a reaction which has been switched off and I don't know what it is. I don't even know if that makes sense, but some days I just feel weird, and I really can't think of a better word for it. I feel on edge like I am constantly waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. But then again I can feel often feel this way when it is windy as it is tonight.

I'm going to shut up now and try to relax and just get some sleep, and I'm sorry for all the long rambling posts, one day I will sort my head out just not today.

Oh yeah and the clocks go back tonight, which might help me sort out my sleep pattern or just really confuse me.

Stuck in a labyrinth

Would anyone notice if I wasn't here?

It's just that some days I wish I could just stop the world for a couple of hours, just to give myself a break from the relentless toil and worries that infiltrate my brain each day. It has been so long since I last pondered this question and in some ways it worries me, not because I am thinking it but because I am unsure if I am actually thinking it if that makes any sense.
I no longer know how I feel about things, I don't test myself instead I just want to sit, alone in the silence and descend into the dream-world that I have built up, where everything is safe and I am in total control over what happens.

Do you ever wonder if the thoughts you have are actually yours?

It's just that as I write this I don't know where these thoughts are coming from, if they are real or just how I think I should be thinking. I feel trapped within my own mind and its like a labyrinth and I just can't find the way out. I keep walking down the dead ends over and over, trapped within the twilight and unsure which path to take next. The walls are high and beyond them I can hear the voices of others having fun and enjoying themselves, but I walk around unseen, just a ghostly presence who lets itself be known by the sound of sobs that catch in the back of my throat as yet another dead end is reached and another fear looms up out of the dark sending me scurrying back along the twisting paths in desperation. Running to get away from the things that lurk in the dark, waiting patiently for me to walk into their traps so they can capture me, and take over my mind, leaving me looking out at a world which I can no longer take part in. And the longer they reside within me, controlling me, the less fight I have to give, I begin to fade into the darkness and soon I will cease to fully exist. I will be nothing more than an empty shell, all personality lost and all confidence broken, and then the fears will let me back in control, leaving me to collect the fragile pieces of my mind and begin the never ending task of placing them back together. Silently screaming in frustration as the light falters and all that's left is the faint glimmer of hope in which I have to construct the puzzle made of identical pieces, each the same shape and colour with no indication as to which one should be placed first. A task that can never be completed, in which I am always doomed to fail, unless someone should appear and offer to help, seeing the pattern that exists but to which I am blind. Helping me in the task, guiding my hands as they shake with apprehension, giving me the support and comfort I need to complete the task to the point where I can finally find the exit to my personal labyrinth and finally step out into the world that lies beyond.

Insomnia (again !)

Yes the insomnia has returned and so I'm not getting to sleep until 7am, which is slightly annoying. But it does mean that I sleep through a huge amount of noise. Which is what happened yesterday, when I managed to sleep through the noise of someone ripping out the shower base using hammers and generally making a huge amount of noise, but I for once was totally oblivious to the whole thing.
And now I am trying to decide if I want to go to sleep or stay awake for as long as I can manage. Which for some reason seems like a really difficult decision, but I guess I will just wait and see how I feel.

Boxes

Why can't a person just be a person? Why must we define people by their sexuality or religion or race? Maybe I do live in a naive little world, but to me everyone is a human being and as long as what they believe isn't illegal or dangerous to anyone and they don’t force it down my throat, then nothing else really matters. I really couldn't care less about where the people were coming from as long as they were pleasant and courteous to everyone, but apparently that is impossible within this world. It almost seems as if everyone in this world is hung up on putting people into boxes., and for what good? No-one ever just fits into one box more often than not they are a combination of two or three and yet this seems to scare people and make it difficult for them.

I suppose I just like the idea of a world where everyone would base their feelings about another on personality rather than anything else, but this isn't possible it is just a dream utopia, and that is sad. But then again what do I know about anything, it just feels so weird to live in a world that seems to be made up of boxes, and that was always part of the reason why people found me difficult at school as they couldn't place me into a definable box and so I was placed into the one labelled “freak” which I tend to think of as a compliment.

There is a part of me that just wants to walk away from the online element of the OU as it seems to be such a complex micro-world which has its own rules and regulations that I just can't understand. I don’t post because I am frightened as to how other people will react. And if some of the threads I have been reading recently are anything to go by then maybe I have the right idea about the whole thing. the problem isn't that I don’t want to post but more the fact that I feel that whatever I post will just be ridiculed or ignored, and I really don’t see the point in contributing to something that is so obviously over my head and even cliquey. Now don’t get me wrong I'm sure that if I actually plucked up the courage and posted then I would be made welcome but when you first enter into a conference there is just a mass of postings all from people who seem to know each other well, and you almost feel as if you're wandering into a private conversation that is being held. And if you don’t have the confidence to just wade in then you find yourself stuck on the edge, and just looking in and watching rather than taking part.

I don’t have the people skills to really deal with conversations that involve more than one person, and so these mass postings where each conversation involves numerous people just leaves me feeling confused as I just can't really keep track of who said what and what they mean. And there is the even bigger disadvantage in the fact that you can't see the body language of a person when they post something, which to me is the most important thing, it is the way I judge what a person is trying to say, if their being funny or serious and the tone of voice is also important for the same reasons. And so I sit on the outside looking in reading posts and contributing out-loud to my empty room, rather than engaging others in conversation.

The nail rubs the skin,
Layer after layer gone,
And then the pain comes.

Stuff and nonsense in a long post

I sit here wondering what is actually wrong with me; I mean what is the fundamental problem? Is it just that I want attention and that is why I act the way I do? Am I just desperate for attention and feel that the only way I can get some is through being ill and unable to do things? Have I just tricked myself into believing that I have a problem or does it actually exist? And more importantly what is the point in my existence? To be honest I seem intent on doing my body harm without really thinking about it, I don’t eat properly, I take no exercise I smoke too much most days, I don’t really take care of myself at all. But at the same time I am so paranoid about becoming ill, if I just feel a little bit off-colour I tend to get anxious and need someone around who can distract me and help me sort out how I feel.

I have a whole host of problems concerning food, on the one day a week when there is chicken in the house I can get really worked up and paranoid about it, I will continually wash my hands after entering the kitchen, and often I will even change the sheets on my bed (I tend to eat in my room sitting on my bed with a tray in front of me) I will spend hours telling myself that my mum, who will have cooked it, is very careful with it and cleans all the surfaces and her hands thoroughly but that still changes nothing and I end up washing my hands in very hot water, hot enough so that it hurts. But then again I do this whenever I get anything out of the fridge, turn on the taps in the kitchen, and go outside. In a similar vein I will refuse to let people touch me or my clothing if I think that they have been in contact with something that I consider ‘dangerous’ and if they do I can't actually settle down until I have changed the clothing that I have worn. And I now find myself always turning the taps in the bathroom on with a bit of paper towel as I am so scared as to what is on it.

I also get upset if my clothes smell strongly of washing powder, so much so that most times when I do my washing it always goes through a second rinse cycle just so I am sure that no residue remains, and I hate it if someone comes into the house or my room with strong perfume or aftershave on, the smell annoys me and I find myself getting paranoid about it. I also get like this after washing my hair, I find myself unable to eat anything for a while afterwards and can't bear the thought of putting my hands anywhere near my mouth as I am so scared about the fact they smell strongly.

I know that all these things are stupid and yet if I forget or can't wash my hands I get really worried and annoyed. I have actually found myself sitting in the hallway with my hands held out in front of me waiting to get into the bathroom that I prefer, even if the other one in the house is empty, and getting really annoyed that someone is preventing me from my routine. I hate the fact that I am trapped within this situation, and I know that I am the only one, who can fix it, and yet I'm too scared to do so; it’s easier to be this way than have to face the world and what that will bring. And in that sense I am pathetic, I hide behind problems that may not really exist, I may just display the symptoms.

I’ll let you in on a little secret here, some days I really hate being me. I just wish that I could turn back time and go back to being the happy confident person I was when I was eight, and not go through all the problems that I have been though. My problems are nothing; they are so unimportant and silly that it really isn't worthwhile thinking about them just like me. I don’t even know if this is how I feel or how I think I should feel, I have no knowledge about anything, and to be honest I really don’t care. Why can't humans come with an instruction book and a reset button, or failing that a save function, so that when things are going well you can save it and then when things are just too confusing or terrible you can go back to the last save point and work forward from there.

Hide in a corner,
Run away and take cover,
Life sucks, no doubt

What do you do with 50 small satin roses?

I'm slightly confused now, I have 50 satin roses and I have no idea what I'm going to do with them! I really don't know what possessed me to buy them apart from the fact that they looked pretty. I think there should be some sort of warning that appears on screen when you're about to buy something you don't actually need, it would save me money and stop my room being cluttered with things I don't really need. For example last month I decided in my wisdom to buy a Rubik's cube, now in theory there is nothing wrong with that except for the fact that I used to have one which got thrown out because I got so infuriated with it, and I'm still getting annoyed now, in fact I can't solve it at all even though a solution came with it!
I think that I will be sewing small roses onto all my clothes just so that I can justify buying them, either that or I'm going to sneak about the house in the middle of the night and sew them onto whatever clothes are lying around. But that may be a little bit naughty, but it would amuse me although everyone would know that I did it. Hmm maybe not such a good idea, but at some point I really do have to find a use for them otherwise they will just sit in a bag and clutter up my sewing box.

Why can't I sleep?

Apparently after about a week of "normal" sleep, my body has returned to the default of staying awake all night and randomly sleeping throughout the day. I just don't understand why this has happened, unless it is to do with the fact that I am slightly stressed out over my course.
And it really doesn't help that for the last few days I have been feeling really down and I just hope that it doesn't turn into full blown depression as I don't think I could cope with that at the moment.
Apart from not sleeping nothing of note has really happened within my life, and I know that I should be doing things and getting out but I just don't really see the point at the moment. I think that I have lost all motivation to do anything and I really don't like feeling like this, especially since the days are drawing in and more often than not it rains all day, which really isn't encouraging when you are thinking about going out.
Oh well, I suppose that tomorrow is another day and maybe I will feel better and happier than I do right now.

Ignore me

I just needed somewhere to rant and rave about how annoyed I feel at the moment. So feel free just to ignore this and carry on with your life.

The thing is when people start shouting and yelling I get upset, I just cannot cope with it. I begin thinking about self-harm and more often than not I do, the only reason I haven't done so is because I'm writing this and hopefully the urge will have passed by the time I'm finished here. At the moment my mum seems intent on yelling about everything at the top of her voice, now I can understand why, she is getting stressed about things and so that is her way of dealing with it. The problem is that we live in a bungalow with thin walls and I have good hearing, so it just feels like there is no escape from it, and I am almost tempted to go outside for a while just to get away from the noise. I hate when things change or peoples temperament change, I just can't cope with it. I have always become unsettled when things change or a routine is broken and it ends up really upsetting me, and I know that is stupid, I am nearly 25 I should be able to cope with people having raised voices or closing my curtains at night and yet I can't. For the last week or so I have been sleeping properly and then the other night I realised that I would have to shut my curtains as it might stop all the little flies coming into my room, and as soon as I did this my sleep pattern goes awry and why? Because I shut my curtains, I changed the routine and the environment and it unsettled me. And nothing affects me more than power cuts, especially at night, I really begin to freak out and nothing can calm me down.

So I went outside after writing that and even though it was raining slightly it was nice and quiet out there so that calmed me down a little, and when I came back inside I thought I'd try out a little experiment. As I said I've been having trouble sleeping since I started to close my curtains at night, and I wondered if the problem stemmed not from the actual closing of the curtains but the fact that they are not my usual ones. You see the ones I had on were a pale pink with hearts on and my normal ones are blue with yellow flowers and so I decided to change them, and I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens over the next few days. But whilst I was changing my curtains I finally decided to hover round the top of my walls and now all those spiders are trapped within the hover, and my walls aren't covered in spider webs any more, which may or may not be a good thing, it depends upon how many of those little flies attempt to get into my room tonight. But I suppose I could stop them if I actually turned my lights off at night, but that doesn't really appeal to me that much, considering I hate the dark, well I hate it being dark inside I don't mind being outside in the pitch dark it's just when I am trying to get to sleep that it bothers me.
Anyway, I am now going to find something to watch on TV and try to fight the little niggling urge to self-harm that still remains.

Spider Update

After the successful meeting held earlier the spiders wish to update some of the information that is available. Certain rooms have now achieved their capacity and no new spiders are being allowed in, but in contrast to that Fizzgigs room is now open to new applicants for housing since the food supply is so plentiful at the moment. Due to this more families with children are now moving in, but a warning has to be given to the parents as the children seem to have a tendency to crawl over Fizzgigs bed at odd hours of the day, and although this may not seem too bad many of these children are being killed and many parents are struggling with the loss of numerous children. So a campaign has been set up to raise awareness of this problem and all parents and potential parents are advised to attend the meetings that are being held over the next few weeks about this problem and a focus group is also being set up to find a solution to the problem. (If any spider is interested in joining the focus group or receiving more information about it then they should write to Aloysius Spider, 3 Rooftop Way, Fizzgigs Room).
Unfortunately due to the demise of Euphemia the spider-catcher forum has been temporarily suspended until a new chairspider can be found. The advice to all spiders who find themselves captured is to wait outside the window and one of the rescue spiders will be there within the hour to escorting them home. Alongside this the new "sitting room bridge" is nearing completion and it is hoped that a member of the royal family will be present at the opening at the beginning of November, although at the moment it has not been confirmed which member Ms Georgette Spider, organiser of the opening, is sure that the royal family will not let her down by sending one of the younger members of the family. So please do not be worried about a reprisal by Prince Cecilio's whose behaviour at the grand opening of the new pathway between the garage and the bedrooms, some older members of society still feel unable to talk about. (But on a positive note Bertina has now been released from hospital, although she is still unable to mutter anything more than "frinky, franky". But as the doctors can find no reason for this, and are unable to treat her any further home rest is thought to be the best option)
As a final note the board wishes to intimate that the nominations for Mayor have closed and the three nominees, Mr Phelan, Ms Floriana and Mrs Maira, will be campaigning for the next three weeks. And the first debate will take place at 7pm on Friday the 19th in the dining room, if you are going to attend please make sure you arrive in plenty of time, as latecomers will not be admitted. If you have not already registered to vote then please make sure that you contact Mr Irvin before the end of this week, as if it is left any later than that it cannot be guaranteed that your voting card will arrive in time.
If there are anymore concerns which have not been raised, and you feel should be then could you please contact Mr Berke, 17 Hippo Road, Airing Cupboard, and he will make sure that they are included within the next update.

Drivel spouted when watching TV.

I watched a programme tonight about all the chemicals that are absorbed into our bodies from make-up and cleaning products etc. And I have to admit being a bit bewildered by the fact that between two women they used something like 70 beauty products a day, and spent £1000 a month on them (to be fair I could have picked this up wrong). Now I have to admit that I just don't understand how anyone can spend that amount on beauty products. I think that I am missing a certain gene as I just don't see the point in spending hours putting make-up on, never mind getting dolled up for a night out. When I was getting out and about the only times I ever got really dressed up was for formal dances, and even then I wore very little make-up and after about twenty minutes the high heels were abandoned in a corner somewhere and I would be wandering around in my bare feet. And when we were going to a night club, a lot of the females I knew spent a good hour getting ready, and I tended to take about ten minutes. More often than not I just went out in whatever I was wearing at the time, and I had as much fun as anyone else, in fact the one time I did go to a club all dressed up I ended up leaving early as I felt so uncomfortable in what I was wearing. But I have always been lucky as I don't really have any worries about what I look like and I never have. It's my personality that I have hang-ups about rather than my body image.
I have always believed that how I look isn't really important, and I would much rather someone liked me for who I was rather than what I was wearing, but then again I have never been in a relationship and so obviously there is something lacking about me, whether it is looks wise or personality. And sometimes that doesn't bother me but the rest of the time I wonder why, whenever I met a guy that I liked who seemed to like me they never wanted anything more than a one night stand kinda thing. And even then they would only approach me when they were so drunk they could hardly string a sentence together. Obviously I spend my entire time giving off go away vibes and that is what everyone does.
Part of me doesn't mind being alone and yet another part does, I crave company and yet I am too frightened to do anything about it, most days when I actually end up thinking about it I get the feeling that I will end up as a little old lady living on my own with nothing but cats for company. And that really saddens me, the fact that I believe there is no-one out there, apart from my family, who will ever care for or love me and I wish I didn't believe it but I do, maybe I am one of these people who are destined to be alone, and to be honest unless I get out and about and start sorting my life out that is whats going to happen. I can't really expect the right person for me to turn up on my doorstep can I?

Curious

Sometimes I wonder if I have managed to wander into a different world. I have been looking through the forums for my new course ( a dangerous pastime) and I almost feel like a two year old who has no knowledge about anything. The people in there all seem to be so intelligent and brainy and yet I can't help but wonder if they are talking about the same course as me. I think I missed something somewhere and I don't quite know what it is.
But what I have learnt is to just ignore them and concentrate on what I think and not get too worked up about what they are saying, but at the same time because of the type of person I am I can't help but doubt my own thoughts. I suppose this will ease with time, but it does get slightly annoying.
I was sitting thinking today ( a rare occurrence!) and came to the conclusion that I am like a tangle of wool. I need to be re-wound neatly but it is impossible to find the end with which to start. And I have the bad habit of just pulling from the middle at random and making the knots even tighter. So my task seems to be patient and gently tease out the threads until I find an end that I can use to unravel the rest before gently winding it back into order.
A good thing about today is that I finally got some fabric, so I can finish making a new cushion, all I need to do now is set up the sewing machine again and spend the needed hours choosing what buttons I want to use on it. And I have to admit there is something fascinating about buttons, as a child I remember spending hours playing with my mums collection and now I seem to be creating my own, especially since I buy them online and the order must be more than £10, which equates to quite a few buttons. But then again I'm the same with embroidery thread, I just keep buying it simply because I like the colours and the way the thread feels and looks. I'm probably slightly strange in this respect but there is something so satisfying about getting new threads or buttons in preparation for a new project, it's almost more exciting than the final product. And OU courses are similar, there is nothing like the excitement you feel when you get that package full of your brand new coursework. It is just exciting, but then again I would get excited about anything if it was wrapped up, I am a sucker for presents!

The little folk inside my computer!

I spend an inordinate amount of time each day reading through various forums within the OU and it’s amazing how you come to think of the contributors as little people who live inside the computer. You begin to forget that they have faces and voices and instead you think of them in terms of colour and font. So much so that when someone else uses those which are particular to one person you get confused, and wonder why they are posting under another name! But it is true, there is this element there that makes me believe that these people don’t actually exist outside the forums, and yet I know that they must, as how else are these messages getting posted? Unless the whole thing is just a figment of my imagination, and in fact I only think that I am reading posts, and it is just an elaborate hoax. Hmm that seems slightly paranoiac and worrying.
I know that I don't really post in forums, mainly because I don't know what to say, and also because at time they do feel like a clique. Everyone seems to know everyone else, and in some forums ignore or deride the newbies. But then again other forums seem to welcome them with open arms, (especially if they come bearing chocolate!)
But the forums do act as another world, it is almost as if as soon as you set foot in them you are taken out of the real world and placed into this world where yes things happen but on the whole is full of fun laughter and silliness. Which is what i love about it, if I am having a bad day, just lurking and reading posts in certain forums cheers me up, or sometimes makes me realise that I don't have it that bad, and maybe I should stop complaining about my minor problems and be grateful that there isn't anything more serious wrong with me.
But the best thing about it is the fact that you see/hear all these folk who are having fun and enjoying themselves and it makes the world seem a little less scary and a lot more fun.

Autumn has arrived.

Well at least where I am. Today was a gorgeous autumn day, the sun was shining and the sky was pretty clear from clouds, and because of this I made the decision to go for a walk and since it was so pleasant outside I even decided to sit on a bench and just enjoy the sunshine. And that is the advantage of living in a pretty isolated area as no-one was around to bother me or make me feel anxious.
The other reason I know that autumn has arrived is that the geese are flying over the house again. Every year at this time the Barnacle geese and pink feet geese arrive back and you can't help but feel uplifted by the sound of them returning. And if we are really lucky they sometimes come to feed in the fields round my house and you are able to watch them really clearly, which is a fantastic thing. The truth is that no matter where I am the sound of geese always make me think of home.
I remember one year being awake at about seven in the morning and going outside to watch these swirling clouds of geese just flying round my house, I think I stood there for about half an hour just watching them and in some ways wishing that I could be able to do that, just flap my arms and then soar high above the world.
As another positive I have been sleeping better the last few nights, and it is amazing how much of a difference it make to me, but then again now that I have said something what's the betting that I won't be able to sleep as well tonight! Sods law will come into play again, but as I have learnt over many sleepless nights the best thing to do is just wait and see and try not to worry as that only makes things worse. I just wish I could apply that thought to the rest of my life.