Spiders

The general spiders meeting is being held in my house tonight, this is the most important one of the year as it's where they decide which rooms they wish to inhabit for the next few months and who they want to scare in the middle of the night.
Unfortunately two of them have encountered problems, and can't attend due to the fact that one is stuck in the bathtub and isn't getting far and the other is stuck in the sink. Although the one in the sink is trying to escape, it only thinks to do so when the water is running and so more often than not it ends up having to run round the sink in a demented way to escape from the drain (even though it is almost too big to actually fit down the drain)
One spider which was making his way to the conference came upon unexpected problems when crossing a room as he was caught in a spider-catcher and removed from the premises, he expects to be back in the house within a few days though. He was very co-operative when he was asked to leave, as rather than running away he opted to stay still and then climb into the spider-catcher, although he may have thought that this was the transport being provided to him rather than anything else.
Apart from these unavailable spiders the meeting was a success and the general consensus was that my bedroom should be the place where they will hide for the rest of the year, with some opting for the more old fashioned approach of lurking in dark corners before jumping out and running straight towards their intended victim. Although some spiders find that this works even better if they only move and run at the person when they (the person that is, not the spiders although they have been working on a campaign to be able to work light switches) turn the lights on.
The spiders also decided that in the long run a more spaced out campaign is worthwhile this year, since they have all been working out and are now much faster and bigger than they have been in previous years. They also wish to wage a campaign over the spider-catcher and have already begun the process by intentionally becoming larger than it and also using the tried and tested method of reaching out as far as possible, before clinging onto the rim of the device so that they cannot be properly caught. This works best if the person wielding the catcher is phobic, although it does cause some annoyance for others.
Within the meeting one spider did raise the matter of the brother who, more often than not, would kill whatever spider he found rather than releasing them back outside. To combat this problem they have decided to ignore that particular room within the house, even though this would mean that they were losing out on prime real-estate. But to make up for this dramatic loss in housing they were looking into branching out further into other bedrooms, and possibly resuming the habit of crawling round the top of the room during the middle of the night. Some spiders did suggest the idea of returning to the 'good old days' when they were often found crawling across the actual bed, but on the whole this idea was knocked back, simply because the bed no longer consisted of a mattress on the floor. Although this does not prevent certain spiders from pursuing this course of action, especially if they have been removed from the house in the spider-catcher and have had to suffer the cold outdoors for a few days.
As a final note to their meeting before they dispersed throughout the house, the spiders wished to thank certain members of the public who have made their lives slightly easier, mainly the builders who put in air vents into the roof, allowing them fresh access into this previously unexplored area. As we speak certain intrepid explorers are already investigating and mapping the area to see what is available to them, although there has been some problems with the natives but hopefully the acts of cannibalism will stop once a common language has been found. The second member of the public that the spiders must thank is the man who fixed the front doorstep of the house, as this makes walking into the front of the house much easier, as they no longer have to contend with the gaping hole that existed. Although they are sorry about the loss of jobs that this fix has meant and are hoping that soon these highly skilled workers will get new employment, especially if the plans for a bridge back into the house through the front window comes to fruition.
The spiders have now dispersed (except for those in the bathroom, they have been forced to wait until they are removed and released back outside) to their new homes and are settling in well, and are looking forward to spending the coming months scaring the living daylights out of certain people.

The Hippo had arrived!

A few weeks ago I requested a copy of a strip from one of my favourite web comics and it arrived today. You can see the comic at Bunny and when I first saw it and then heard about the ability to get copies of it I knew that I had to get it. And for one reason only, as it ties into the long running joke in my house about Hippos living in the airing cupboard. And in my house this is true, there is a hippo in the cupboard and in a fit of boredom I even worked out why he was there. You see the hippo protects the towels from being stolen by owls who want them so they can dry themselves off after they've had their baths!
The thing with me and my family is that we do have this ability to act very childlike at times, to the extent of having fights with soft toys late at night, and discussing the merits of using Bonobos for world domination ( there are other theories as to how to achieve this, my personal favourite includes the use of elephants and zebras!). This is really refreshing as there isn't this need to be serious and adult all the time, and I think that everyone in this world should occasionally let their inner child out to play for a while, as long as it is appropriate, I mean acting childlike in the middle of a serious business meeting isn't probably the best thing to do, although it might make things more interesting!

If you want me to be comfortable with you give me new socks!

My parents have now found a way to get me over my social phobia, they have decided to award me treats. So whenever I meet a new person I get new socks and therefore begin to associate new people with nice things and so get over my problems! OK so I know that they were joking but the image of someone standing there holding, brand new, socks out to me as a bribe to talk to them just really tickles me.
I suppose I should explain where this came from, we were watching a programme called "Dog Borstal" on TV tonight and on it was this Great Dane that was more or less socially phobic. It was so bad that whenever he went out he had to take his cuddly toy elephant with him! So to get him over this anxiety they got people that he didn't know to give him treats so he became accustomed to the fact that not everyone was scary.
But there was something so amusing about seeing this large dog carrying around a soft toy for comfort, and to be honest I do that as well. I have this bear puppet which I have had since I was four (wow, he's nearly 21!) who is my comforter and I must admit that when I was going out in the car he used to come with me so I would feel better. And when I start going out again he's coming with me, even though a lot of his fur is gone and he's had to be stitched up and his eye has had to be glued back in a number of times. But it's all just signs that he has been well loved, apart from his eye, which only fell out because I used him as a weapon against my brother!

Stuff and things

So I am in a bit of a better mood today, but I think that's mainly to do with the wonderful things that came in the post today. A bit of retail therapy ( even if it is online) can make you feel better, as long as you have the money to spare.
But I am a bit weird in that way, I get totally overexcited when things come in the post, doesn't matter what it is, I just feel happy getting something.
Anyway, the best thing that came today was the wonderful black and white stripy jumper. The thing is that I have always wanted one, but could never find one that I liked and now I have. So I will have to get out and about just so that I can show off my new jumper!

Help.

I know I shouldn't constantly write things here which show how little progress I make, but please forgive me as I need to get these feelings out of my head and into the real world.

I just feel so worthless and useless tonight, all I want to do is curl up and sleep but every time I close my eyes all these thoughts keep coming about times when I acted stupid or said something that offended others and they just won't go away.

I just want someone to give me a hug and listen to me, without judging me, just listen. But there isn't anyone who will do that for me anymore. I have lost every friend I have ever made and I doubt that I will ever make any new ones. Especially when I'm too frightened to even talk to people in a forum never mind real life.

And to top it off I just feel so stupid, I lurk in the forum for my next course and everyone seems so intelligent and so sure of what they mean in terms of the set books and I'm just sitting there like a lump not knowing or understanding what they are talking about. I want to do this course so that I Can prove to myself that I can get a Degree and yet I'm so scared that I will fail and not be able to achieve that, and if I don't then my whole family will see me as a failure as they have all achieved degrees of some sort, and they all seem so sure that I am able to do it. But I just don't understand where that knowledge comes from.

I am a stupid needy person. I need constant reassurance that what I am doing is right and I get so worked up when I don't know everything that is needed. For example in the last course you had to send in three copies of your final piece, now what really got to me was the fact that I wasn't told how to attach the sheets together, and it really bothered me and still does, and I feel stupid asking the question, and when I did ask my tutor they didn't know either and just told me that unless the notes said something it was unimportant. But what if i have done it wrong? What if I missed something and they won't accept it? I know these are stupid worries and I try to get them out of my head, but they just keep coming back again and again. And with this comes the stress which makes me feel angry and depressed and often leads to IBS ( can't think of the proper name for it). So I tend to spend my days feeling rotten and not wanting to do anything, never mind think about how to gt myself out of this stupid hole that I've put myself into.

And I also feel so guilty for moaning about my problems when most people in this world have it so much harder than me and yet they still manage to cope with the world, but I can't. It just scares me and I always end up feeling as if I am watching the world through a plate of glass which I cannot break through.

Sorry for going on, and to be honest I now feel even worse than I did before I started writing, but never mind. It's just that normal service has resumed in my own little world.

I'm Back!

Obviously I just can't keep away!
Been doing really good, mainly because I just got the best mark ever for a TMA and I'm really excited about it. And I finally got a proper night's sleep rather than sleeping through the day I actually managed to sleep through the night.
By the way at the bottom of the page I have a daemon, it doesn't seem to have a picture but I am apparently a cat, which is cool, as it does reflect who I am.

Update,
So I removed the thing from the bottom of the page as it wasn't working right, typical!
You can find out what your daemon is at the Golden Compass Movie site. And thank you to whoever it was on the A215 survivors conference who posted this.

I think this may be my last post for a while. I just don't see the point of doing this anymore. What I am writing has no real interest for me and I don't have the motivation to do anything at the moment. Things just go in one ear and out the other, I'm trying to get ahead in my course so that I have the breathing space needed to actually understand the information I'm taking in and yet I do enjoy the actual process of studying in fact I'm really happy sitting there with the books piled up around me and writing notes on what I have read, the problem is that I just can't take the information in.
Anyway that's not important, but I think I may take a few days/weeks off from doing this and just try and sort out my head or just ignore it all and continue in my normal frame of mind. I'll just have to wait and see.
So I may be back sometime soon, but don't count on it.

Nowt to say

There really isn't anything to say today as I really didn't do much. And I am starting to feel really guilty about that. I started this with the intention that it would help me to concentrate on getting out and doing something to change my life, and yet I haven't actually managed to do anything.
Oh well, maybe if the weather improves I will actually make a start and do something before the weather turns completely and I get sucked back into that mild form of depression that often appears with the winter weather.

Today I have Been...

...starting my next course two weeks early!
...sleeping at random times due to the exhaustion I have felt at starting my next course.
...wondering what the hippo that lives in the airing cupboard eats.
...realising that I need more sleep!

Scared!

So I just manage to scare myself silly by looking through the information for my next course! I knew that it wouldn't be easy but I didn't realise how complex it would be. I may have gotten in over my head! But maybe I should be positive and wait and see what it actually holds, but to be fair even though it's scary it's also really exciting and at least it will be challenging. The other plus is that since I don't work I can spend all day doing the work which means that I might just have a fighting chance in getting through it and completing it.

But apart from that I've spent most of today in a daze since I only had an hour's sleep last night, and yet I'm still awake now. OK so i did sleep for a couple of hours tonight, but I would've thought that by now I'd be knackered, instead I'm wide awake and bored out of my mind!

Sleep!

I think I have actually managed to completely reset my body clock, as I only went to sleep at 1PM, so now I think it's the middle of the afternoon! I really need to get this sorted out otherwise it will get to the point when I become completely nocturnal and never see daylight. Although that would mean that I wouldn't have to interact with anyone, which actually sounds quite nice.
But it wouldn't be a healthy thing, oh well I suppose I will just have to try and get an early night tonight and hope that will start to knock things back to normal.

YAY!

I've finished the course! Now all I have to do is remember and post it and then wait until December to get the results.
So as long as the next course doesn't bother me as much, then that should be one less thing for me to stress about in my life. And maybe I can concentrate on sorting out my life instead of constantly stressing about coursework.

Things

I'm feeling quite proud of myself today, as not only have I nearly finished my next assignment thingy but I also went for a walk and sat outside enjoying the sun.
But what did cheer me up today was the package that came in the post. It was filled with pens and paper in preparation for my next course, and there was just something so exciting about brand new empty ad of paper that just really cheers me up. Not to mention the many colours of pens that I have got. But to be honest I always get excited when I know that something will be arriving soon.
In fact when I got the course books for my next O.U. course, I got a little bit overexcited and wanted to start the course immediately, and just forget about the last one. But I think this is partly to do with the fact that I don't get out to shops at all and so you don't really know what you've ordered is going to be like until it comes.

Unanswerable Questions

Why is my life like this?
What did I do wrong, if anything?
Why can't there be a quick, easy solution?
Why is the world so scary?
Why can't I spend my life hiding in the corner refusing to talk?
Will things ever improve?
Why do I deal with problems in such an unhealthy way?
Can I ever find people who I will be able to be open and honest with?
Will I ever be honest with myself?
Why am I so useless?
What's going to happen to me?
Why can't I be a little bit braver?
Why can other people be so cruel?
Why does nothing work out how you think it will?
What is my purpose in this world?
Does anyone have the answers?
Why do I want to cause myself pain?
Why do I act in this way?
Why am I still so attached to a comfort toy?
Why can't I let anything go?
If I didn't exist would it really make that much of a difference?
What is it about me that makes me act this way?
Can any problem be solved by running away?
Why must I be such a failure?
Why do I sabotage everything I do?
Why can't I be more positive?

Why must I keep asking questions that I don't have the answers to?

What is the point in carrying on?

Today

Nothing much to say, except that I cleaned my room so it's now safe to walk across without the fear of sliding on all the magazines and papers that were scattered over the floor.
But apart from that I've just spent the day sitting around feeling rubbishy.

Random Rant

It's funny how I want to use this as a place to rant about things, when normally I would just keep them all inside. I suppose that since I am sure that very few people even read it I feel that I have the freedom to let my annoyances out.

But a positive has come out of today, the fact that I think I can now account for why I have been feeling so bad and down. The main reason is the bleeping course that I am doing, I just dislike it so much which for some reason makes me feel guilty, and then I get stressed, and then the downward spiral continues until I get to this point which is more or less just give up on everything and hide away in a little corner and not talk to anyone. If it wasn't for the fact that I can't sleep, I would be spending most of my time asleep as at least there I am safe and happy without anything to worry about. And more importantly I don't have to face reality.

I started the course with good intentions and a real feeling of excitement and yet now a few months down the line I just feel like I am rubbish and worthless. It seems so stupid but for some reason, even though I'm getting OK marks I have no belief in what I am doing. To me it just seems to be total rubbish, and I just don't understand what the course is looking for. So I get stressed and I have only one way to deal with stress which isn't exactly the most healthy way. And I suppose what also gets to me is my own inability to say that I need help and to ask others for it, as I just feel like I would be interrupting with something trivial that they would laugh about.

My grip on people is really shaky at times, I guess it's to do with the fact that I don't want to be rejected which is also the reason why I don't want to do this current TMA. Well there you go, I seemed to have found the basic reason why I don't like the course at the moment. So writing here does help me, well that's another plus point for the day!

Just re-reading through what I have written makes me realise that I do just use this to go on about whatever is bothering me but even though I've written it down I just can't let it go. For some reason the thoughts and feelings just remain stuck inside me but that's just part of my personality that really needs to change. but like everything I do I start with good intentions that just fall to the side after a wee while as I just can't find the motivation to keep going. Like this course, the only reason I'm still doing it is because I'm so close to the end that giving up now seems pointless. But I suppose in some ways if it was easy to give up then I would, but I can't and so I will see it through and just hope that I am able to pass it.

There really isn't anything positive to write about tonight so I guess I will stop before I get too stuck within my own stupid misery.

Today...

..I did nothing except sleep and get stressed out and angry. So it looks like I still have a lot of work to do before going out becomes a habit again.
It just goes to prove that some habits are easier to develop than others.

Nothing to Report

As the title says there really isn't anything worth talking about tonight that isn't a repeat of what I have previously said.
So I'm now going to try and catch up with my lost sleep.

Moonlight

So, I just felt that I really wanted to post something positive and I found something: the way the world looks when it's bathed in moonlight. I am so lucky that I live in the middle of the country as there is no light pollution. Tonight it is a half moon and it is so bright, everything is clear and the sky is littered with stars, it looked so amazing and unfortunately I just cant find the right words to describe it.
But maybe it is enough to use the cliche that it took my breath away, everything seemed so perfect and for that time I felt a part of the universe, OK a small and insignificant part, but a part nonetheless. Just looking up at the sky above makes you realise how big the universe is and it amazes me that the light of the stars has taken thousands of years to reach us and yet they shine so bright against the indigo of the sky.
And the other thing was how silent the world was, there was no cars, no birds just a comforting silence that wrapped itself around and speaking would break it into a million shards destroying the feeling of peace that entered into my mind calming and pacifying all the negative thoughts that were threatening to overwhelm me.

Again with the Ramblings!

It really does amaze me how at this time of night my thoughts always turn to the negative points in my life. I suddenly find myself gripped with guilt at something I did years ago. The entire scene plays out in my mind and in the case of tonight's thoughts I realise that I am this horrible person. I never even apologised for what I did, instead I justified it as my way of extracting myself from a friendship that was doing me more harm than good, and yes that is true but I also ended up hurting someone who really didn't need her friends treating her badly. She needed someone to be there for her and she trusted me, she considered me to be her best friend, and yet I threw that away and I probably hurt her badly at a time when she needed me the most.

I was going to argue why I acted this way but that's a cop-out, there is no real justification for what I did. I am a worthless human being, maybe that is why I am suffering like I am, it just that old idea of what goes around comes around and I must suffer for what I have done. And OK what I did wasn't terrible but it was bad enough, but I know if someone did to me what I did to her it would really hurt me.

Maybe it's just tiredness talking but I can't help but feel that all I have done so far in my life is cause others hurt and stress. I just can't do anything right and I'm stuck, I felt this way when I was 13 and nothing much has changed except my age. I still have no self-confidence or self-worth and I still can't believe that I will ever amount to anything in this world. The thing is I just don't understand this world, I have no knowledge or understanding of anything. I become obsessive about things, I can never just let anything go I have to carry it around and let it fester within me. I know that I am stuck within a frame of thinking that isn't healthy and yet I don't think that I have the courage or ability to change it.

I will say one last thing, if nothing else I am tired of being this way, and I guess that is a good sign as maybe it means I am finally ready to do something about it. I almost want to make a promise that I will only post positive things here from now on, but I think that may end up with me only posting intermittently or not at all. But that would mean that I would go back to the old way of keeping this bottled up. At least if I write here I feel like I am telling someone else but that in itself makes me feel guilty, as what right do I have to spout this feeble nonsense when there are others in this world going through worse times than me.

There is nothing really that bad about my life except for my own inability to face up to and deal with the random nonsense that my brain seems to take as concrete fact. And I don't mean to belittle (?) agoraphobia, and I do know that it is a very difficult thing to over come, but I can't help but get annoyed at myself for ending up this way. Looking at my life from an objective point of view I can't see the reason behind my problems, maybe it is just that my brain got wired wrong and I then made matters worse by my actions in my late teens.

Right I'm going to try and get some sleep now and hopefully everything will seem better in the morning, or if nothing else at least I will be able to distract my brain from these thoughts.

You Learn Something Everyday

And I have learnt that for some unknown reason I no longer want to sleep during the night. So i sleep through the day, I think I have reset my body clock to another continent and fixing it is a real hassle as it really involves staying awake through the whole day and then going to sleep at a more normal time. the only problem with this is that when I have been awake for about 24 hours I tend to fall asleep mainly due to the fact that I lie down for a while and before you know it I'm asleep for the next four or five hours, and nothing can wake me up.
But in some respects I may be lucky today, as my ear is full of wax and gets really uncomfortable when I lie down, and as it's a Sunday I can't really do anything about it except resort to the old fashioned method of putting warm olive oil in my ear. Which has to be the weirdest thing ever mainly because you have to heat it in a spoon and it just looks weird. And I know that there are chemical solutions to it, but to be honest they really freak me out and sometimes the old ways are the best. But I will have to wait and see about that. But if my ear is still like this come Monday I will have to get them syringed which is the weirdest thing ever, it just feels so strange and your eyes really hurt when it's being done.
But I think that's enough waffling for today, I really doubt that I will be going for a walk today but who knows maybe I will.

PS. sorry if this doesn't make any sense or if there's a load of spelling mistakes but I have been awake for nearly ten hours straight and I only had three hours sleep yesterday, and at least I'm not spouting the usual nonsense that I tend to say when I'm sleep deprived. Sorry waffling again!

..........

So I wasn't going to post anything else tonight but after reading through various notebooks and journals I decided that I wanted to post something that I wrote about seven or eight years ago but is still relevant today and is something that I should remember.

Will you remember to relax and keep breathing as it will help you to cope with the stresses and strains of daily life. No matter what you think things are not that bad and could definitely be worse than they are at the moment.
Remember that whatever life throws at you, you can cope with it and bounce back with more knowledge and confidence than you had before it began.
Life is a set of trials testing your power to cope with things that may go wrong and if you are strong enough everything will turn out fine in the end.
MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND.

Actually there were quite a few things that made me step back and think, this was another:
I think that you do some of your best and worst thinking late at night when everyone else is asleep in their beds. You seem to gain some clarity to your thoughts but you also lose the protection that you have during the day. I’ll try and explain, in the day time you censor your thoughts and don’t allow certain ones to be concentrated on, but at night you lose that ability and the thoughts that you censor during the day come back and you concentrate only on them.
Without the acknowledgement of these thoughts you live in a fake world. And although it hurts you have to know that these thoughts exist because they are a part of you and who you are.
And it is still correct even now.
The final thing that appealed to me was the fact that when I was 13/14 I started to write a play. Now that in itself is quite a weird thing to do but what really amazed me was the fact that I included detailed stage directions. So the characters were leaving stage left with sad looks in their eyes and things like that. The only reason I can think of as to why I even attempted was that it coincided with me reading Shakespeare. But it just made me laugh as at the moment I am really struggling to write stories and yet when I was young I attempted to write a play, and OK I didn't get very far with it, not even a scene, but I still tried.

I think I must have been quite a random teenager!

Just A Short Post

I have done nothing exciting today, I didn't even manage to go for a walk. But then again I did spend most of the day asleep and it was windy, and for some reason I can't walk in the wind, I end up finding it hard to breathe if the wind is in my face.
Anyway, I doubt that I will be doing anything tomorrow either except for curling up into a very small ball and feeling sorry for myself. So, just the usual routine.