Merry Christmas!

I hope folks had a good Christmas and got all they wanted from Santa, I know that I did. I have to admit that even though I didn't really do anything I am glad that Christmas day is over, as for some reason after the presents have been opened and the afternoon wears on this melancholic feeling tends to settle on me and I just start wishing that everything could go back to normal, but boxing day is still to happen and then there is the fun of New Years Eve, which for some reason just isn't that exciting for me.

But enough of the moaning, I'm just glad that I got everything that I wanted and that my family all liked the gifts I got them.

Well, I hope that Christmas was fun for all and that the coming year will bring me and everyone the kind of year that they wish for.

Slightly Naughty!

It's nearly Christmas and today I was a little naughty, as I decided to go in search of presents. The only problem was the fact that I couldn't find any! Obviously my parents this year have hidden them well which is a good thing as it means I can't spoil Christmas too much!
But apart from that my days have been spent doing very little and just trying to get myself back to some sort of normality.

Another silly rant from me.

I have just realised how bad my fears and phobias are getting. I woke up this morning and promptly begin to worry and get anxious about things, mainly the fact that a member of my family wasn't well, and it really scares me how easily I become panicky about things. I just wish that I could go back in time and re-do the last seven years, retain all that I have learned and just re-live my life as maybe then I wouldn't make such a mess of the whole thing. But that just isn't possible and instead I have to deal with what has been dealt to me, and I can't. At the moment I just feel overwhelmed by everything, and angry, really angry at nothing in particular but it really scares me. Normally I am a quiet relatively calm person, but in the last few days I have been terrible, one day I ended up ripping all the pictures and things off my wall and throwing them across the room and I only just stopped short of taking the actual framed pictures down and throwing them. I just wanted to destroy everything within my room, actually even as I write this I can feel the anger beginning to build and I am so scared. I want to hurt myself and damage myself as I think that I would feel better afterwards and maybe the anger would go.
I don't even know why I am writing this stuff here, all it does is make me sound like a complete weirdo and I no longer know how to fix it. I want to be alone and yet I want company, I want to self-harm and yet my skin is in such bad condition that it wouldn't relieve the anguish inside me. I want to talk, to tell people how I feel, and yet I don't know who to turn to. As my problems aren't that serious, it's just me being a stupid weak individual.
You know I even got angry after decorating the Christmas tree and I really wanted to just go through and tear all the decorations off it and destroy what I worked hard to decorate, and why? because I really steeled myself to go through and help and what happens is that when they came through to see what I had done, they just hummed and made noises as if to say "yes it's nice, but it needs this and that and that isn't done right" Now I know I am probably exaggerating it within my mind and that annoys me even more. Once upon a time I could deal with things and see the bright side, but now I just feel like everyone judges me and I can only see the negative within the world.
I'm going to go back to hiding in my room watching stupid telly and hope that I will begin to feel slightly better soon.

Not guilty anymore

I just realised that I never mentioned the fact that I did pass my course and I got better than 40% so I am pretty pleased about it, although when I found out I did feel kinda numb and empty but I suppose that was to do with the fact that the course was so stressful to me and the fact that all I wanted was a pass and as long as I got that I didn't really care.

And there was no need for me to feel so guilty on Saturday as in the end I got up and decorated the Christmas tree, so I at least did something rather than just sit about in my bed feeling guilty about the whole thing.

But apart from that and putting some decorations up yesterday, I have just been sitting around reading, as alongside the five books for my birthday I also got a further three for passing my course and I still haven't finished them all yet which for me is quite an achievement! Although I do think that the literature courses have finally messed my brain up as when I was reading Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar I kept thinking that it would be really interesting to do a study into how mental illness is portrayed within books either that or do a comparison between it and Janice Galloway's The Trick is to Keep Breathing. So it seems that even though I am not doing a course at the moment my brain is still thinking in the manner of literature courses.

Oh well it's nearly Christmas just over a week to go and I even managed to resist the temptation to look inside a present, which for me is nothing short of amazing!

Guilt

At the moment I feel really guilty for not helping my parents set up the Christmas tree and decorate the house. I did help out on Thursday by wrapping all the presents for the relations that had to be given on Friday, but that seems like such a small thing. I just can't help but feel guilty about not doing much in the house even though I am tending to spend half the day feeling really rotten and not actually well enough to do anything, and even then I feel guilty for not feeling well and for not pulling myself together and getting on with things like everyone else in the world seems to do.

I think I don't really like Christmas that much, mainly because it is so stressful for the household, my dad is at his busiest and my mum is trying to get her dissertation finished as well as write another essay, organise Christmas and work. I really should do more to help but I don't know how.

I really am a waste of space.

Whinge

Why am I so unhappy? I have an OK life, my parents love me and take care of me and aren't too annoyed by the fact that I don't get out. I live in a nice house and that's it, I just can't think of anymore positive things about my life. I know that I should be positive as that just might make me feel slightly better and yet I just can't quite look on the bright side of life. And just to add to the general feeling of unhappiness the results for my course come out towards the end of the week and I am dreading what mark I will get. Although as long as it is 40% then I will be fine as that at least means that I will pass the course and OK it means that the overall pass is low but why should that matter?
I think my main problem at the moment is that I just feel so alone. There is no-one that I feel able to sound off to about my problems and that saddens me. In my darkest moments I really believe that I will never have close friends, I think that I will have acquaintances but I really doubt that I will ever find someone who I can truly confide in, but then again I don't think that I have had anyone like that in my life. I was always trying to share my problems but all that ended up happening was they started on their problems and I comforted them and was left no better off than I was to begin with.
Oh, I'm going to stop whinging now because to be honest I don't have any reason to, there are others in this world who are going through tougher times than me and they don't complain so why should I?

Happy Birthday to me!

So it is my birthday and as per usual I feel sorry for myself! I think it's just the fact that at the moment I feel unable to go out and so I can't really celebrate my birthday to any great degree, but then again I haven't ever really celebrated, so it's not like anything has changed. I suppose it's the same way that I dislike New Year's as it is just another day and I don't see what all the fuss is about,I usually stay up to see in the year but it just feels so weird as I'm just sitting around in my room as normal and watching TV, although the difference is that TV is absolutely atrocious as they expect everyone to be out celebrating.
But the positive side to birthday's is always the presents and this year I regressed slightly and am now the owner of a cute teddy bear who is at the moment nameless, and in a more adult frame of mind I got some books so that will be a good way to pass the next 48 hours! (Well at the moment I don't actually have the books but I will be getting them as soon as everyone else wakes up) Actually knowing me and depending upon the length of the three books I may have finished them all by tomorrow!
And just to make me feel even better I have had a grand total of one hours sleep and I am feeling slightly yucky at the moment, so it is just another normal day within my world, the only difference is that I am now a year older.

Actually it was five books so I think they may last me longer than just till tomorrow.

Stuff and Nonsense

It's so weird how you set a condition to something and within a very short period of time it all changes. That probably doesn't make that much sense and it is hard to explain but it's like you say to yourself if the phone rings in the next ten minutes then I will do the ironing and in that space of time the phone rings not once but twice so you go through with the deal. It is just one of those weird things, a coincidence more than anything but it does make me wonder what's going on in the world.



I think that I am now going to sit very quietly in the corner and try and work out what I am going to do, things at the moment are just confusing me beyond all belief. First my freeview box has decided to keep freezing every half-hour and all I can do is switch it on and off again but it is so annoying, especially as I am trying to distract myself from feeling rotten by watching TV. And then there is just the general confusion as to how I am feeling and what's going on.

Well after spending a really long forty minutes on the phone I am now getting a new freeview box sent out to me, but I REALLY hate having to phone companies. Why they must take so long to work out a simple problem and get you to repeat yourself over and over I just don't know. But hopefully that has solved the problem and with luck I will be able to watch TV again. And I am so grateful that I kept my old box as at least then I can use it rather than put up with having to walk across the room every half-hour.

Oh well I think that's enough moaning from me today and hey I just have two days to wait until I get presents!

Why???

Why must I be so feeble? And why can't I just live in the real world? I seem to spend so much of my time just daydreaming and I seem unable to fully connect with reality. I do know the difference between the two but it's just that in the dream world I can totally forget about all my troubles and be anyone want to be rather than this pathetic individual.
I seem to have cut myself off from the world even more now than ever, and that feels quite scary. I don't go out anywhere, I talk to no-one apart from my family and it has been about a month or more since I last saw anyone apart from the family and that really is quite a frightening thought.
I can quite safely say that I never thought my life would turn out like this. I was never that comfortable in social situations but I'd handle them and deal with it but now even the thought of phoning the Doctors is frightening to me. It would be nice if wishes came true but there are no magic wands or genie lamps and the only way I can change things is if I get up off my backside and do something, but then the little voice says "What's the point?" and all my good intentions go out the window and I am left stuck, trapped within four walls and unable to find the exit. I'm just stumbling about in the dark trying to find the light-switch, as most people in this world are. I doubt that anyone could honestly say that they thought their life would be as it is, which is some consolation.
I suppose the one thing I really want for Christmas this year is for me to get over all my anxieties and begin to live my life again, and I hope that in some ways this does become true for me.

Weird

The past few weeks really haven't been that brilliant for me. First I felt rotten which then led me to not eat properly as I was frightened that whatever I ate would make me feel worse. Then i stopped sleeping properly, in fact it has almost become impossible for me to sleep at night so I sleep through the day and then wake up at random points feeling really confused and dazed and my brain just doesn't want to work properly. Add to that the fact that every time I fall asleep I have the weirdest dreams, they often leave me feeling unsettled simply because they are so vivid, well apart from the one that I had earlier on which actually left me feeling happy and relaxed simply because it was a pleasant dream.
I suppose to be honest these last few weeks have been hard on me, as I just feel so scared a lot of the time for no real reason. I'd almost say that I was becoming depressed again, simply because it is that feeling of emptiness and isolation that has re-appeared, plus the fact that I am self-harming again and although I know that isn't a good thing for a few minutes it makes me feel better and stable again. But it really solves nothing and in the end all that happens is that the backs of my hands become nothing but scar tissue, although there isn't any change in the colour or actual visible evidence of the scars the skin is different in texture. But they and the scars on my hands are part of who I am and although sometimes I hate the fact that I have them I also know that at times they act as a reminder that I have been through tough times and survived and that in all probability I will survive again.

Presents!

Today was one of those weird days, where I spent most of the daylight hours asleep. But it was made up by the fact that when I woke not only did I get a game for my DS but my teddies arrived! And I adore them both, but one has really caught me and so that is the one that I will be receiving in 10 days or 11 I can't work it out right now. And added to that my mum came home from Edinburgh with two new pillows for me, which were definitely needed and ... a black and white elephant plate! So now I have my own dinner plate which includes two of my favourite things, elephants and black and white things. So I'm really happy about that.
And on the whole present thing I now only need to buy something for my Gran and that seems to be sorted as I am going to make her up a hamper of nice food-stuffs and that can only happen once my parents go shopping and buy the stuff for me. The only problem is that now I have all the presents I just want to give them to people now, rather than have to wait until Christmas. But that's me impatient as always, although I am trying to be good about my birthday bear and not get it until my birthday, although knowing me it'll be in my room by the end of next week!

Trundling along

Things with me are trundling along as normal and I have now entered into Christmas mode. I have actually bought half my presents and the others are chosen and just need to be ordered, so once again I am organised for that aspect of Christmas.
I have even managed to come up with ideas as to what I want this year, nothing exciting but at one point I really couldn't think of anything. So now it's just a matter if annoying my parents until they get the things for me.
It's weird, even though I have bought Christmas presents it won't actually feel like Christmas until after my birthday, which less than a fortnight away. Wow and I will reach 25 years seems strange thinking about it, and I have even thought of what presents I want and one of them is going to turn up anytime this week. Well it kinda has to as I wanted a teddy bear, sad and childish I know but I really wanted one, and there was two that I liked online and so we ordered both of them and when they arrive I will choose between them and then the one that I don't like as much will either be returned or given to my cousins daughter as a Christmas present.
Apart from sorting out my birthday and Christmas presents nothing exciting has been happening in my life, although it is official and I have dropped out of the OU course which is a weight off my mind.
But that's enough nonsense from me at the moment and maybe I'll post again soon, probably when I get annoyed at all the Christmas adverts on TV!
Oh and I saw another stripy jumper that I like, although it was being worn by someone on TV so I don't think that I can get it and add it to my ever growing collection of stripy clothing! (and it was black and white which is my fav!)

Whatever

I am sitting here wondering if I will ever return to anything approximating the person I once was. I am spending most of my time at the moment feeling not great and I have just dropped out of my OU course as I was getting far to stressed about the whole thing.
I have also realised that I am just rambling here and I seem to be unable to create anything coherent, so I will just give up now and sit in the vain hope that things will get better soon.

Quick post

Just a quick post while I'm still feeling OK. The last week has not been good, I have spent most of the time feeling slightly rotten and the conclusion is that I am suffering from a mixture of stress, chronic fatigue and hormonal imbalance.
I just hope that I get back to my own normality soon, but I do think that I will withdraw from my current OU course, just so I can get some time to just relax and de-stress.

Last few days

Well the last couple of days have not been good for me. Last night I ended up feeling really rotten for the entire night and it carried on throughout today, and now I'm just sitting here feeling feeble and pathetic for getting so worked up about the whole thing. The saddest thing about it is the fact that I haven't felt this bad for more than one day since I was at Stirling Uni and that was down to stress as much as anything, so does it mean that I am returning to that level of stress again or is it just a blip and I will be OK in the morning?
The truth is that I just cannot be bothered with anything, writing here, doing my course-work, reading books, doing anything. I just want to curl up in a quiet corner and hide from the world, and do you know what... I think I will.

Whatever

I can quite safely say that I am still not a happy bunny for the most part, but I did just buy a new cross-stitch to do so that has cheered me up slightly.
But the thing is at the moment I just don't have any enthusiasm about anything. And I don't know what to do about it. It has been so long since I have felt this way but I do know that I will get over it at some point, the problem is that I kinda need to have some enthusiasm with a TMA due soon. It really doesn't help if you can't concentrate on anything when you are trying to analyse a piece of fiction!
I really can't even be bothered to write anything else here, so I think that I will just end here for now and maybe in a couple of days I will find something a bit more exciting and positive to write about.

How am I?

The only thing to say today, that covers yesterday and tomorrow is :
I ain't a happy bunny.

A little update

So the other night, after a really demoralizing day I finally decided to email a counsellor about possibly getting some sessions, only to find that the email was returned to me as being unable to be delivered. So now I either have to get my act together and phone or just give up on the idea for a while.
It's just so frustrating, I actually got the courage up to ask for help and it gets me nowhere, but then again that's typical for me, nothing is ever easy when I'm involved!
Apart from that I managed to get out the house today, and then spent the rest of the day feeling slightly stressed which apparently is my default mood at the moment. And it isn't helped by the fact that my leg has decided to hurt for no apparent reason.
Anyway I just hope that tomorrow will be a better day, but considering the fact that we have a plasterer coming in at some point I doubt that it will.

Time Wasting Quizzes

This is what happens when I can't sleep I spend the time taking silly quizzes! (And apparently I am a cat now and was a cat in a past life, and my daemon is a cat, I think I should get a cat!)

You Are A Hornbeam Tree

You are a reserved person, looking in from the outside. Naturally attractive, you take good care of your looks. You are not egoistic, and you make life as comfortable as possible. You look for kindness in others - though you are seldom happy with yourself. A bit mistrusting and unsure, you dream of being swept away by someone unusual.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

What Time Of Day Are You?

You Were a Cat

You are an independent person who inspires others with your dreams. A calm protector, you will fight when you need to.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

An apology of sorts.

Having just sat and read through all my posts I feel an apology is in order to anyone who bothers to read this nonsense. All I seem to do is just repeat the same old things in different ways, it is obvious that I have not moved one inch further forward within my life, in fact of anything I've managed to take an even bigger step backwards. So I am sorry for writing all this nonsense, and

who controls my thoughts? I know I have mentioned this before but I'm getting almost paranoid about why I think certain things. Especially as there doesn't seem to be any reason for me to think them. I am a lucky person, I have a family who loves me and takes care of me, I have a roof over my head and food whenever I want. And yet I feel incomplete, like something is missing within me, a feeling or a reaction which has been switched off and I don't know what it is. I don't even know if that makes sense, but some days I just feel weird, and I really can't think of a better word for it. I feel on edge like I am constantly waiting for something to happen but I don't know what. But then again I can feel often feel this way when it is windy as it is tonight.

I'm going to shut up now and try to relax and just get some sleep, and I'm sorry for all the long rambling posts, one day I will sort my head out just not today.

Oh yeah and the clocks go back tonight, which might help me sort out my sleep pattern or just really confuse me.

Stuck in a labyrinth

Would anyone notice if I wasn't here?

It's just that some days I wish I could just stop the world for a couple of hours, just to give myself a break from the relentless toil and worries that infiltrate my brain each day. It has been so long since I last pondered this question and in some ways it worries me, not because I am thinking it but because I am unsure if I am actually thinking it if that makes any sense.
I no longer know how I feel about things, I don't test myself instead I just want to sit, alone in the silence and descend into the dream-world that I have built up, where everything is safe and I am in total control over what happens.

Do you ever wonder if the thoughts you have are actually yours?

It's just that as I write this I don't know where these thoughts are coming from, if they are real or just how I think I should be thinking. I feel trapped within my own mind and its like a labyrinth and I just can't find the way out. I keep walking down the dead ends over and over, trapped within the twilight and unsure which path to take next. The walls are high and beyond them I can hear the voices of others having fun and enjoying themselves, but I walk around unseen, just a ghostly presence who lets itself be known by the sound of sobs that catch in the back of my throat as yet another dead end is reached and another fear looms up out of the dark sending me scurrying back along the twisting paths in desperation. Running to get away from the things that lurk in the dark, waiting patiently for me to walk into their traps so they can capture me, and take over my mind, leaving me looking out at a world which I can no longer take part in. And the longer they reside within me, controlling me, the less fight I have to give, I begin to fade into the darkness and soon I will cease to fully exist. I will be nothing more than an empty shell, all personality lost and all confidence broken, and then the fears will let me back in control, leaving me to collect the fragile pieces of my mind and begin the never ending task of placing them back together. Silently screaming in frustration as the light falters and all that's left is the faint glimmer of hope in which I have to construct the puzzle made of identical pieces, each the same shape and colour with no indication as to which one should be placed first. A task that can never be completed, in which I am always doomed to fail, unless someone should appear and offer to help, seeing the pattern that exists but to which I am blind. Helping me in the task, guiding my hands as they shake with apprehension, giving me the support and comfort I need to complete the task to the point where I can finally find the exit to my personal labyrinth and finally step out into the world that lies beyond.

Insomnia (again !)

Yes the insomnia has returned and so I'm not getting to sleep until 7am, which is slightly annoying. But it does mean that I sleep through a huge amount of noise. Which is what happened yesterday, when I managed to sleep through the noise of someone ripping out the shower base using hammers and generally making a huge amount of noise, but I for once was totally oblivious to the whole thing.
And now I am trying to decide if I want to go to sleep or stay awake for as long as I can manage. Which for some reason seems like a really difficult decision, but I guess I will just wait and see how I feel.

Boxes

Why can't a person just be a person? Why must we define people by their sexuality or religion or race? Maybe I do live in a naive little world, but to me everyone is a human being and as long as what they believe isn't illegal or dangerous to anyone and they don’t force it down my throat, then nothing else really matters. I really couldn't care less about where the people were coming from as long as they were pleasant and courteous to everyone, but apparently that is impossible within this world. It almost seems as if everyone in this world is hung up on putting people into boxes., and for what good? No-one ever just fits into one box more often than not they are a combination of two or three and yet this seems to scare people and make it difficult for them.

I suppose I just like the idea of a world where everyone would base their feelings about another on personality rather than anything else, but this isn't possible it is just a dream utopia, and that is sad. But then again what do I know about anything, it just feels so weird to live in a world that seems to be made up of boxes, and that was always part of the reason why people found me difficult at school as they couldn't place me into a definable box and so I was placed into the one labelled “freak” which I tend to think of as a compliment.

There is a part of me that just wants to walk away from the online element of the OU as it seems to be such a complex micro-world which has its own rules and regulations that I just can't understand. I don’t post because I am frightened as to how other people will react. And if some of the threads I have been reading recently are anything to go by then maybe I have the right idea about the whole thing. the problem isn't that I don’t want to post but more the fact that I feel that whatever I post will just be ridiculed or ignored, and I really don’t see the point in contributing to something that is so obviously over my head and even cliquey. Now don’t get me wrong I'm sure that if I actually plucked up the courage and posted then I would be made welcome but when you first enter into a conference there is just a mass of postings all from people who seem to know each other well, and you almost feel as if you're wandering into a private conversation that is being held. And if you don’t have the confidence to just wade in then you find yourself stuck on the edge, and just looking in and watching rather than taking part.

I don’t have the people skills to really deal with conversations that involve more than one person, and so these mass postings where each conversation involves numerous people just leaves me feeling confused as I just can't really keep track of who said what and what they mean. And there is the even bigger disadvantage in the fact that you can't see the body language of a person when they post something, which to me is the most important thing, it is the way I judge what a person is trying to say, if their being funny or serious and the tone of voice is also important for the same reasons. And so I sit on the outside looking in reading posts and contributing out-loud to my empty room, rather than engaging others in conversation.

The nail rubs the skin,
Layer after layer gone,
And then the pain comes.

Stuff and nonsense in a long post

I sit here wondering what is actually wrong with me; I mean what is the fundamental problem? Is it just that I want attention and that is why I act the way I do? Am I just desperate for attention and feel that the only way I can get some is through being ill and unable to do things? Have I just tricked myself into believing that I have a problem or does it actually exist? And more importantly what is the point in my existence? To be honest I seem intent on doing my body harm without really thinking about it, I don’t eat properly, I take no exercise I smoke too much most days, I don’t really take care of myself at all. But at the same time I am so paranoid about becoming ill, if I just feel a little bit off-colour I tend to get anxious and need someone around who can distract me and help me sort out how I feel.

I have a whole host of problems concerning food, on the one day a week when there is chicken in the house I can get really worked up and paranoid about it, I will continually wash my hands after entering the kitchen, and often I will even change the sheets on my bed (I tend to eat in my room sitting on my bed with a tray in front of me) I will spend hours telling myself that my mum, who will have cooked it, is very careful with it and cleans all the surfaces and her hands thoroughly but that still changes nothing and I end up washing my hands in very hot water, hot enough so that it hurts. But then again I do this whenever I get anything out of the fridge, turn on the taps in the kitchen, and go outside. In a similar vein I will refuse to let people touch me or my clothing if I think that they have been in contact with something that I consider ‘dangerous’ and if they do I can't actually settle down until I have changed the clothing that I have worn. And I now find myself always turning the taps in the bathroom on with a bit of paper towel as I am so scared as to what is on it.

I also get upset if my clothes smell strongly of washing powder, so much so that most times when I do my washing it always goes through a second rinse cycle just so I am sure that no residue remains, and I hate it if someone comes into the house or my room with strong perfume or aftershave on, the smell annoys me and I find myself getting paranoid about it. I also get like this after washing my hair, I find myself unable to eat anything for a while afterwards and can't bear the thought of putting my hands anywhere near my mouth as I am so scared about the fact they smell strongly.

I know that all these things are stupid and yet if I forget or can't wash my hands I get really worried and annoyed. I have actually found myself sitting in the hallway with my hands held out in front of me waiting to get into the bathroom that I prefer, even if the other one in the house is empty, and getting really annoyed that someone is preventing me from my routine. I hate the fact that I am trapped within this situation, and I know that I am the only one, who can fix it, and yet I'm too scared to do so; it’s easier to be this way than have to face the world and what that will bring. And in that sense I am pathetic, I hide behind problems that may not really exist, I may just display the symptoms.

I’ll let you in on a little secret here, some days I really hate being me. I just wish that I could turn back time and go back to being the happy confident person I was when I was eight, and not go through all the problems that I have been though. My problems are nothing; they are so unimportant and silly that it really isn't worthwhile thinking about them just like me. I don’t even know if this is how I feel or how I think I should feel, I have no knowledge about anything, and to be honest I really don’t care. Why can't humans come with an instruction book and a reset button, or failing that a save function, so that when things are going well you can save it and then when things are just too confusing or terrible you can go back to the last save point and work forward from there.

Hide in a corner,
Run away and take cover,
Life sucks, no doubt

What do you do with 50 small satin roses?

I'm slightly confused now, I have 50 satin roses and I have no idea what I'm going to do with them! I really don't know what possessed me to buy them apart from the fact that they looked pretty. I think there should be some sort of warning that appears on screen when you're about to buy something you don't actually need, it would save me money and stop my room being cluttered with things I don't really need. For example last month I decided in my wisdom to buy a Rubik's cube, now in theory there is nothing wrong with that except for the fact that I used to have one which got thrown out because I got so infuriated with it, and I'm still getting annoyed now, in fact I can't solve it at all even though a solution came with it!
I think that I will be sewing small roses onto all my clothes just so that I can justify buying them, either that or I'm going to sneak about the house in the middle of the night and sew them onto whatever clothes are lying around. But that may be a little bit naughty, but it would amuse me although everyone would know that I did it. Hmm maybe not such a good idea, but at some point I really do have to find a use for them otherwise they will just sit in a bag and clutter up my sewing box.

Why can't I sleep?

Apparently after about a week of "normal" sleep, my body has returned to the default of staying awake all night and randomly sleeping throughout the day. I just don't understand why this has happened, unless it is to do with the fact that I am slightly stressed out over my course.
And it really doesn't help that for the last few days I have been feeling really down and I just hope that it doesn't turn into full blown depression as I don't think I could cope with that at the moment.
Apart from not sleeping nothing of note has really happened within my life, and I know that I should be doing things and getting out but I just don't really see the point at the moment. I think that I have lost all motivation to do anything and I really don't like feeling like this, especially since the days are drawing in and more often than not it rains all day, which really isn't encouraging when you are thinking about going out.
Oh well, I suppose that tomorrow is another day and maybe I will feel better and happier than I do right now.

Ignore me

I just needed somewhere to rant and rave about how annoyed I feel at the moment. So feel free just to ignore this and carry on with your life.

The thing is when people start shouting and yelling I get upset, I just cannot cope with it. I begin thinking about self-harm and more often than not I do, the only reason I haven't done so is because I'm writing this and hopefully the urge will have passed by the time I'm finished here. At the moment my mum seems intent on yelling about everything at the top of her voice, now I can understand why, she is getting stressed about things and so that is her way of dealing with it. The problem is that we live in a bungalow with thin walls and I have good hearing, so it just feels like there is no escape from it, and I am almost tempted to go outside for a while just to get away from the noise. I hate when things change or peoples temperament change, I just can't cope with it. I have always become unsettled when things change or a routine is broken and it ends up really upsetting me, and I know that is stupid, I am nearly 25 I should be able to cope with people having raised voices or closing my curtains at night and yet I can't. For the last week or so I have been sleeping properly and then the other night I realised that I would have to shut my curtains as it might stop all the little flies coming into my room, and as soon as I did this my sleep pattern goes awry and why? Because I shut my curtains, I changed the routine and the environment and it unsettled me. And nothing affects me more than power cuts, especially at night, I really begin to freak out and nothing can calm me down.

So I went outside after writing that and even though it was raining slightly it was nice and quiet out there so that calmed me down a little, and when I came back inside I thought I'd try out a little experiment. As I said I've been having trouble sleeping since I started to close my curtains at night, and I wondered if the problem stemmed not from the actual closing of the curtains but the fact that they are not my usual ones. You see the ones I had on were a pale pink with hearts on and my normal ones are blue with yellow flowers and so I decided to change them, and I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens over the next few days. But whilst I was changing my curtains I finally decided to hover round the top of my walls and now all those spiders are trapped within the hover, and my walls aren't covered in spider webs any more, which may or may not be a good thing, it depends upon how many of those little flies attempt to get into my room tonight. But I suppose I could stop them if I actually turned my lights off at night, but that doesn't really appeal to me that much, considering I hate the dark, well I hate it being dark inside I don't mind being outside in the pitch dark it's just when I am trying to get to sleep that it bothers me.
Anyway, I am now going to find something to watch on TV and try to fight the little niggling urge to self-harm that still remains.

Spider Update

After the successful meeting held earlier the spiders wish to update some of the information that is available. Certain rooms have now achieved their capacity and no new spiders are being allowed in, but in contrast to that Fizzgigs room is now open to new applicants for housing since the food supply is so plentiful at the moment. Due to this more families with children are now moving in, but a warning has to be given to the parents as the children seem to have a tendency to crawl over Fizzgigs bed at odd hours of the day, and although this may not seem too bad many of these children are being killed and many parents are struggling with the loss of numerous children. So a campaign has been set up to raise awareness of this problem and all parents and potential parents are advised to attend the meetings that are being held over the next few weeks about this problem and a focus group is also being set up to find a solution to the problem. (If any spider is interested in joining the focus group or receiving more information about it then they should write to Aloysius Spider, 3 Rooftop Way, Fizzgigs Room).
Unfortunately due to the demise of Euphemia the spider-catcher forum has been temporarily suspended until a new chairspider can be found. The advice to all spiders who find themselves captured is to wait outside the window and one of the rescue spiders will be there within the hour to escorting them home. Alongside this the new "sitting room bridge" is nearing completion and it is hoped that a member of the royal family will be present at the opening at the beginning of November, although at the moment it has not been confirmed which member Ms Georgette Spider, organiser of the opening, is sure that the royal family will not let her down by sending one of the younger members of the family. So please do not be worried about a reprisal by Prince Cecilio's whose behaviour at the grand opening of the new pathway between the garage and the bedrooms, some older members of society still feel unable to talk about. (But on a positive note Bertina has now been released from hospital, although she is still unable to mutter anything more than "frinky, franky". But as the doctors can find no reason for this, and are unable to treat her any further home rest is thought to be the best option)
As a final note the board wishes to intimate that the nominations for Mayor have closed and the three nominees, Mr Phelan, Ms Floriana and Mrs Maira, will be campaigning for the next three weeks. And the first debate will take place at 7pm on Friday the 19th in the dining room, if you are going to attend please make sure you arrive in plenty of time, as latecomers will not be admitted. If you have not already registered to vote then please make sure that you contact Mr Irvin before the end of this week, as if it is left any later than that it cannot be guaranteed that your voting card will arrive in time.
If there are anymore concerns which have not been raised, and you feel should be then could you please contact Mr Berke, 17 Hippo Road, Airing Cupboard, and he will make sure that they are included within the next update.

Drivel spouted when watching TV.

I watched a programme tonight about all the chemicals that are absorbed into our bodies from make-up and cleaning products etc. And I have to admit being a bit bewildered by the fact that between two women they used something like 70 beauty products a day, and spent £1000 a month on them (to be fair I could have picked this up wrong). Now I have to admit that I just don't understand how anyone can spend that amount on beauty products. I think that I am missing a certain gene as I just don't see the point in spending hours putting make-up on, never mind getting dolled up for a night out. When I was getting out and about the only times I ever got really dressed up was for formal dances, and even then I wore very little make-up and after about twenty minutes the high heels were abandoned in a corner somewhere and I would be wandering around in my bare feet. And when we were going to a night club, a lot of the females I knew spent a good hour getting ready, and I tended to take about ten minutes. More often than not I just went out in whatever I was wearing at the time, and I had as much fun as anyone else, in fact the one time I did go to a club all dressed up I ended up leaving early as I felt so uncomfortable in what I was wearing. But I have always been lucky as I don't really have any worries about what I look like and I never have. It's my personality that I have hang-ups about rather than my body image.
I have always believed that how I look isn't really important, and I would much rather someone liked me for who I was rather than what I was wearing, but then again I have never been in a relationship and so obviously there is something lacking about me, whether it is looks wise or personality. And sometimes that doesn't bother me but the rest of the time I wonder why, whenever I met a guy that I liked who seemed to like me they never wanted anything more than a one night stand kinda thing. And even then they would only approach me when they were so drunk they could hardly string a sentence together. Obviously I spend my entire time giving off go away vibes and that is what everyone does.
Part of me doesn't mind being alone and yet another part does, I crave company and yet I am too frightened to do anything about it, most days when I actually end up thinking about it I get the feeling that I will end up as a little old lady living on my own with nothing but cats for company. And that really saddens me, the fact that I believe there is no-one out there, apart from my family, who will ever care for or love me and I wish I didn't believe it but I do, maybe I am one of these people who are destined to be alone, and to be honest unless I get out and about and start sorting my life out that is whats going to happen. I can't really expect the right person for me to turn up on my doorstep can I?

Curious

Sometimes I wonder if I have managed to wander into a different world. I have been looking through the forums for my new course ( a dangerous pastime) and I almost feel like a two year old who has no knowledge about anything. The people in there all seem to be so intelligent and brainy and yet I can't help but wonder if they are talking about the same course as me. I think I missed something somewhere and I don't quite know what it is.
But what I have learnt is to just ignore them and concentrate on what I think and not get too worked up about what they are saying, but at the same time because of the type of person I am I can't help but doubt my own thoughts. I suppose this will ease with time, but it does get slightly annoying.
I was sitting thinking today ( a rare occurrence!) and came to the conclusion that I am like a tangle of wool. I need to be re-wound neatly but it is impossible to find the end with which to start. And I have the bad habit of just pulling from the middle at random and making the knots even tighter. So my task seems to be patient and gently tease out the threads until I find an end that I can use to unravel the rest before gently winding it back into order.
A good thing about today is that I finally got some fabric, so I can finish making a new cushion, all I need to do now is set up the sewing machine again and spend the needed hours choosing what buttons I want to use on it. And I have to admit there is something fascinating about buttons, as a child I remember spending hours playing with my mums collection and now I seem to be creating my own, especially since I buy them online and the order must be more than £10, which equates to quite a few buttons. But then again I'm the same with embroidery thread, I just keep buying it simply because I like the colours and the way the thread feels and looks. I'm probably slightly strange in this respect but there is something so satisfying about getting new threads or buttons in preparation for a new project, it's almost more exciting than the final product. And OU courses are similar, there is nothing like the excitement you feel when you get that package full of your brand new coursework. It is just exciting, but then again I would get excited about anything if it was wrapped up, I am a sucker for presents!

The little folk inside my computer!

I spend an inordinate amount of time each day reading through various forums within the OU and it’s amazing how you come to think of the contributors as little people who live inside the computer. You begin to forget that they have faces and voices and instead you think of them in terms of colour and font. So much so that when someone else uses those which are particular to one person you get confused, and wonder why they are posting under another name! But it is true, there is this element there that makes me believe that these people don’t actually exist outside the forums, and yet I know that they must, as how else are these messages getting posted? Unless the whole thing is just a figment of my imagination, and in fact I only think that I am reading posts, and it is just an elaborate hoax. Hmm that seems slightly paranoiac and worrying.
I know that I don't really post in forums, mainly because I don't know what to say, and also because at time they do feel like a clique. Everyone seems to know everyone else, and in some forums ignore or deride the newbies. But then again other forums seem to welcome them with open arms, (especially if they come bearing chocolate!)
But the forums do act as another world, it is almost as if as soon as you set foot in them you are taken out of the real world and placed into this world where yes things happen but on the whole is full of fun laughter and silliness. Which is what i love about it, if I am having a bad day, just lurking and reading posts in certain forums cheers me up, or sometimes makes me realise that I don't have it that bad, and maybe I should stop complaining about my minor problems and be grateful that there isn't anything more serious wrong with me.
But the best thing about it is the fact that you see/hear all these folk who are having fun and enjoying themselves and it makes the world seem a little less scary and a lot more fun.

Autumn has arrived.

Well at least where I am. Today was a gorgeous autumn day, the sun was shining and the sky was pretty clear from clouds, and because of this I made the decision to go for a walk and since it was so pleasant outside I even decided to sit on a bench and just enjoy the sunshine. And that is the advantage of living in a pretty isolated area as no-one was around to bother me or make me feel anxious.
The other reason I know that autumn has arrived is that the geese are flying over the house again. Every year at this time the Barnacle geese and pink feet geese arrive back and you can't help but feel uplifted by the sound of them returning. And if we are really lucky they sometimes come to feed in the fields round my house and you are able to watch them really clearly, which is a fantastic thing. The truth is that no matter where I am the sound of geese always make me think of home.
I remember one year being awake at about seven in the morning and going outside to watch these swirling clouds of geese just flying round my house, I think I stood there for about half an hour just watching them and in some ways wishing that I could be able to do that, just flap my arms and then soar high above the world.
As another positive I have been sleeping better the last few nights, and it is amazing how much of a difference it make to me, but then again now that I have said something what's the betting that I won't be able to sleep as well tonight! Sods law will come into play again, but as I have learnt over many sleepless nights the best thing to do is just wait and see and try not to worry as that only makes things worse. I just wish I could apply that thought to the rest of my life.

Spiders

The general spiders meeting is being held in my house tonight, this is the most important one of the year as it's where they decide which rooms they wish to inhabit for the next few months and who they want to scare in the middle of the night.
Unfortunately two of them have encountered problems, and can't attend due to the fact that one is stuck in the bathtub and isn't getting far and the other is stuck in the sink. Although the one in the sink is trying to escape, it only thinks to do so when the water is running and so more often than not it ends up having to run round the sink in a demented way to escape from the drain (even though it is almost too big to actually fit down the drain)
One spider which was making his way to the conference came upon unexpected problems when crossing a room as he was caught in a spider-catcher and removed from the premises, he expects to be back in the house within a few days though. He was very co-operative when he was asked to leave, as rather than running away he opted to stay still and then climb into the spider-catcher, although he may have thought that this was the transport being provided to him rather than anything else.
Apart from these unavailable spiders the meeting was a success and the general consensus was that my bedroom should be the place where they will hide for the rest of the year, with some opting for the more old fashioned approach of lurking in dark corners before jumping out and running straight towards their intended victim. Although some spiders find that this works even better if they only move and run at the person when they (the person that is, not the spiders although they have been working on a campaign to be able to work light switches) turn the lights on.
The spiders also decided that in the long run a more spaced out campaign is worthwhile this year, since they have all been working out and are now much faster and bigger than they have been in previous years. They also wish to wage a campaign over the spider-catcher and have already begun the process by intentionally becoming larger than it and also using the tried and tested method of reaching out as far as possible, before clinging onto the rim of the device so that they cannot be properly caught. This works best if the person wielding the catcher is phobic, although it does cause some annoyance for others.
Within the meeting one spider did raise the matter of the brother who, more often than not, would kill whatever spider he found rather than releasing them back outside. To combat this problem they have decided to ignore that particular room within the house, even though this would mean that they were losing out on prime real-estate. But to make up for this dramatic loss in housing they were looking into branching out further into other bedrooms, and possibly resuming the habit of crawling round the top of the room during the middle of the night. Some spiders did suggest the idea of returning to the 'good old days' when they were often found crawling across the actual bed, but on the whole this idea was knocked back, simply because the bed no longer consisted of a mattress on the floor. Although this does not prevent certain spiders from pursuing this course of action, especially if they have been removed from the house in the spider-catcher and have had to suffer the cold outdoors for a few days.
As a final note to their meeting before they dispersed throughout the house, the spiders wished to thank certain members of the public who have made their lives slightly easier, mainly the builders who put in air vents into the roof, allowing them fresh access into this previously unexplored area. As we speak certain intrepid explorers are already investigating and mapping the area to see what is available to them, although there has been some problems with the natives but hopefully the acts of cannibalism will stop once a common language has been found. The second member of the public that the spiders must thank is the man who fixed the front doorstep of the house, as this makes walking into the front of the house much easier, as they no longer have to contend with the gaping hole that existed. Although they are sorry about the loss of jobs that this fix has meant and are hoping that soon these highly skilled workers will get new employment, especially if the plans for a bridge back into the house through the front window comes to fruition.
The spiders have now dispersed (except for those in the bathroom, they have been forced to wait until they are removed and released back outside) to their new homes and are settling in well, and are looking forward to spending the coming months scaring the living daylights out of certain people.

The Hippo had arrived!

A few weeks ago I requested a copy of a strip from one of my favourite web comics and it arrived today. You can see the comic at Bunny and when I first saw it and then heard about the ability to get copies of it I knew that I had to get it. And for one reason only, as it ties into the long running joke in my house about Hippos living in the airing cupboard. And in my house this is true, there is a hippo in the cupboard and in a fit of boredom I even worked out why he was there. You see the hippo protects the towels from being stolen by owls who want them so they can dry themselves off after they've had their baths!
The thing with me and my family is that we do have this ability to act very childlike at times, to the extent of having fights with soft toys late at night, and discussing the merits of using Bonobos for world domination ( there are other theories as to how to achieve this, my personal favourite includes the use of elephants and zebras!). This is really refreshing as there isn't this need to be serious and adult all the time, and I think that everyone in this world should occasionally let their inner child out to play for a while, as long as it is appropriate, I mean acting childlike in the middle of a serious business meeting isn't probably the best thing to do, although it might make things more interesting!

If you want me to be comfortable with you give me new socks!

My parents have now found a way to get me over my social phobia, they have decided to award me treats. So whenever I meet a new person I get new socks and therefore begin to associate new people with nice things and so get over my problems! OK so I know that they were joking but the image of someone standing there holding, brand new, socks out to me as a bribe to talk to them just really tickles me.
I suppose I should explain where this came from, we were watching a programme called "Dog Borstal" on TV tonight and on it was this Great Dane that was more or less socially phobic. It was so bad that whenever he went out he had to take his cuddly toy elephant with him! So to get him over this anxiety they got people that he didn't know to give him treats so he became accustomed to the fact that not everyone was scary.
But there was something so amusing about seeing this large dog carrying around a soft toy for comfort, and to be honest I do that as well. I have this bear puppet which I have had since I was four (wow, he's nearly 21!) who is my comforter and I must admit that when I was going out in the car he used to come with me so I would feel better. And when I start going out again he's coming with me, even though a lot of his fur is gone and he's had to be stitched up and his eye has had to be glued back in a number of times. But it's all just signs that he has been well loved, apart from his eye, which only fell out because I used him as a weapon against my brother!

Stuff and things

So I am in a bit of a better mood today, but I think that's mainly to do with the wonderful things that came in the post today. A bit of retail therapy ( even if it is online) can make you feel better, as long as you have the money to spare.
But I am a bit weird in that way, I get totally overexcited when things come in the post, doesn't matter what it is, I just feel happy getting something.
Anyway, the best thing that came today was the wonderful black and white stripy jumper. The thing is that I have always wanted one, but could never find one that I liked and now I have. So I will have to get out and about just so that I can show off my new jumper!

Help.

I know I shouldn't constantly write things here which show how little progress I make, but please forgive me as I need to get these feelings out of my head and into the real world.

I just feel so worthless and useless tonight, all I want to do is curl up and sleep but every time I close my eyes all these thoughts keep coming about times when I acted stupid or said something that offended others and they just won't go away.

I just want someone to give me a hug and listen to me, without judging me, just listen. But there isn't anyone who will do that for me anymore. I have lost every friend I have ever made and I doubt that I will ever make any new ones. Especially when I'm too frightened to even talk to people in a forum never mind real life.

And to top it off I just feel so stupid, I lurk in the forum for my next course and everyone seems so intelligent and so sure of what they mean in terms of the set books and I'm just sitting there like a lump not knowing or understanding what they are talking about. I want to do this course so that I Can prove to myself that I can get a Degree and yet I'm so scared that I will fail and not be able to achieve that, and if I don't then my whole family will see me as a failure as they have all achieved degrees of some sort, and they all seem so sure that I am able to do it. But I just don't understand where that knowledge comes from.

I am a stupid needy person. I need constant reassurance that what I am doing is right and I get so worked up when I don't know everything that is needed. For example in the last course you had to send in three copies of your final piece, now what really got to me was the fact that I wasn't told how to attach the sheets together, and it really bothered me and still does, and I feel stupid asking the question, and when I did ask my tutor they didn't know either and just told me that unless the notes said something it was unimportant. But what if i have done it wrong? What if I missed something and they won't accept it? I know these are stupid worries and I try to get them out of my head, but they just keep coming back again and again. And with this comes the stress which makes me feel angry and depressed and often leads to IBS ( can't think of the proper name for it). So I tend to spend my days feeling rotten and not wanting to do anything, never mind think about how to gt myself out of this stupid hole that I've put myself into.

And I also feel so guilty for moaning about my problems when most people in this world have it so much harder than me and yet they still manage to cope with the world, but I can't. It just scares me and I always end up feeling as if I am watching the world through a plate of glass which I cannot break through.

Sorry for going on, and to be honest I now feel even worse than I did before I started writing, but never mind. It's just that normal service has resumed in my own little world.

I'm Back!

Obviously I just can't keep away!
Been doing really good, mainly because I just got the best mark ever for a TMA and I'm really excited about it. And I finally got a proper night's sleep rather than sleeping through the day I actually managed to sleep through the night.
By the way at the bottom of the page I have a daemon, it doesn't seem to have a picture but I am apparently a cat, which is cool, as it does reflect who I am.

Update,
So I removed the thing from the bottom of the page as it wasn't working right, typical!
You can find out what your daemon is at the Golden Compass Movie site. And thank you to whoever it was on the A215 survivors conference who posted this.

I think this may be my last post for a while. I just don't see the point of doing this anymore. What I am writing has no real interest for me and I don't have the motivation to do anything at the moment. Things just go in one ear and out the other, I'm trying to get ahead in my course so that I have the breathing space needed to actually understand the information I'm taking in and yet I do enjoy the actual process of studying in fact I'm really happy sitting there with the books piled up around me and writing notes on what I have read, the problem is that I just can't take the information in.
Anyway that's not important, but I think I may take a few days/weeks off from doing this and just try and sort out my head or just ignore it all and continue in my normal frame of mind. I'll just have to wait and see.
So I may be back sometime soon, but don't count on it.

Nowt to say

There really isn't anything to say today as I really didn't do much. And I am starting to feel really guilty about that. I started this with the intention that it would help me to concentrate on getting out and doing something to change my life, and yet I haven't actually managed to do anything.
Oh well, maybe if the weather improves I will actually make a start and do something before the weather turns completely and I get sucked back into that mild form of depression that often appears with the winter weather.

Today I have Been...

...starting my next course two weeks early!
...sleeping at random times due to the exhaustion I have felt at starting my next course.
...wondering what the hippo that lives in the airing cupboard eats.
...realising that I need more sleep!

Scared!

So I just manage to scare myself silly by looking through the information for my next course! I knew that it wouldn't be easy but I didn't realise how complex it would be. I may have gotten in over my head! But maybe I should be positive and wait and see what it actually holds, but to be fair even though it's scary it's also really exciting and at least it will be challenging. The other plus is that since I don't work I can spend all day doing the work which means that I might just have a fighting chance in getting through it and completing it.

But apart from that I've spent most of today in a daze since I only had an hour's sleep last night, and yet I'm still awake now. OK so i did sleep for a couple of hours tonight, but I would've thought that by now I'd be knackered, instead I'm wide awake and bored out of my mind!

Sleep!

I think I have actually managed to completely reset my body clock, as I only went to sleep at 1PM, so now I think it's the middle of the afternoon! I really need to get this sorted out otherwise it will get to the point when I become completely nocturnal and never see daylight. Although that would mean that I wouldn't have to interact with anyone, which actually sounds quite nice.
But it wouldn't be a healthy thing, oh well I suppose I will just have to try and get an early night tonight and hope that will start to knock things back to normal.

YAY!

I've finished the course! Now all I have to do is remember and post it and then wait until December to get the results.
So as long as the next course doesn't bother me as much, then that should be one less thing for me to stress about in my life. And maybe I can concentrate on sorting out my life instead of constantly stressing about coursework.

Things

I'm feeling quite proud of myself today, as not only have I nearly finished my next assignment thingy but I also went for a walk and sat outside enjoying the sun.
But what did cheer me up today was the package that came in the post. It was filled with pens and paper in preparation for my next course, and there was just something so exciting about brand new empty ad of paper that just really cheers me up. Not to mention the many colours of pens that I have got. But to be honest I always get excited when I know that something will be arriving soon.
In fact when I got the course books for my next O.U. course, I got a little bit overexcited and wanted to start the course immediately, and just forget about the last one. But I think this is partly to do with the fact that I don't get out to shops at all and so you don't really know what you've ordered is going to be like until it comes.

Unanswerable Questions

Why is my life like this?
What did I do wrong, if anything?
Why can't there be a quick, easy solution?
Why is the world so scary?
Why can't I spend my life hiding in the corner refusing to talk?
Will things ever improve?
Why do I deal with problems in such an unhealthy way?
Can I ever find people who I will be able to be open and honest with?
Will I ever be honest with myself?
Why am I so useless?
What's going to happen to me?
Why can't I be a little bit braver?
Why can other people be so cruel?
Why does nothing work out how you think it will?
What is my purpose in this world?
Does anyone have the answers?
Why do I want to cause myself pain?
Why do I act in this way?
Why am I still so attached to a comfort toy?
Why can't I let anything go?
If I didn't exist would it really make that much of a difference?
What is it about me that makes me act this way?
Can any problem be solved by running away?
Why must I be such a failure?
Why do I sabotage everything I do?
Why can't I be more positive?

Why must I keep asking questions that I don't have the answers to?

What is the point in carrying on?

Today

Nothing much to say, except that I cleaned my room so it's now safe to walk across without the fear of sliding on all the magazines and papers that were scattered over the floor.
But apart from that I've just spent the day sitting around feeling rubbishy.

Random Rant

It's funny how I want to use this as a place to rant about things, when normally I would just keep them all inside. I suppose that since I am sure that very few people even read it I feel that I have the freedom to let my annoyances out.

But a positive has come out of today, the fact that I think I can now account for why I have been feeling so bad and down. The main reason is the bleeping course that I am doing, I just dislike it so much which for some reason makes me feel guilty, and then I get stressed, and then the downward spiral continues until I get to this point which is more or less just give up on everything and hide away in a little corner and not talk to anyone. If it wasn't for the fact that I can't sleep, I would be spending most of my time asleep as at least there I am safe and happy without anything to worry about. And more importantly I don't have to face reality.

I started the course with good intentions and a real feeling of excitement and yet now a few months down the line I just feel like I am rubbish and worthless. It seems so stupid but for some reason, even though I'm getting OK marks I have no belief in what I am doing. To me it just seems to be total rubbish, and I just don't understand what the course is looking for. So I get stressed and I have only one way to deal with stress which isn't exactly the most healthy way. And I suppose what also gets to me is my own inability to say that I need help and to ask others for it, as I just feel like I would be interrupting with something trivial that they would laugh about.

My grip on people is really shaky at times, I guess it's to do with the fact that I don't want to be rejected which is also the reason why I don't want to do this current TMA. Well there you go, I seemed to have found the basic reason why I don't like the course at the moment. So writing here does help me, well that's another plus point for the day!

Just re-reading through what I have written makes me realise that I do just use this to go on about whatever is bothering me but even though I've written it down I just can't let it go. For some reason the thoughts and feelings just remain stuck inside me but that's just part of my personality that really needs to change. but like everything I do I start with good intentions that just fall to the side after a wee while as I just can't find the motivation to keep going. Like this course, the only reason I'm still doing it is because I'm so close to the end that giving up now seems pointless. But I suppose in some ways if it was easy to give up then I would, but I can't and so I will see it through and just hope that I am able to pass it.

There really isn't anything positive to write about tonight so I guess I will stop before I get too stuck within my own stupid misery.

Today...

..I did nothing except sleep and get stressed out and angry. So it looks like I still have a lot of work to do before going out becomes a habit again.
It just goes to prove that some habits are easier to develop than others.

Nothing to Report

As the title says there really isn't anything worth talking about tonight that isn't a repeat of what I have previously said.
So I'm now going to try and catch up with my lost sleep.

Moonlight

So, I just felt that I really wanted to post something positive and I found something: the way the world looks when it's bathed in moonlight. I am so lucky that I live in the middle of the country as there is no light pollution. Tonight it is a half moon and it is so bright, everything is clear and the sky is littered with stars, it looked so amazing and unfortunately I just cant find the right words to describe it.
But maybe it is enough to use the cliche that it took my breath away, everything seemed so perfect and for that time I felt a part of the universe, OK a small and insignificant part, but a part nonetheless. Just looking up at the sky above makes you realise how big the universe is and it amazes me that the light of the stars has taken thousands of years to reach us and yet they shine so bright against the indigo of the sky.
And the other thing was how silent the world was, there was no cars, no birds just a comforting silence that wrapped itself around and speaking would break it into a million shards destroying the feeling of peace that entered into my mind calming and pacifying all the negative thoughts that were threatening to overwhelm me.

Again with the Ramblings!

It really does amaze me how at this time of night my thoughts always turn to the negative points in my life. I suddenly find myself gripped with guilt at something I did years ago. The entire scene plays out in my mind and in the case of tonight's thoughts I realise that I am this horrible person. I never even apologised for what I did, instead I justified it as my way of extracting myself from a friendship that was doing me more harm than good, and yes that is true but I also ended up hurting someone who really didn't need her friends treating her badly. She needed someone to be there for her and she trusted me, she considered me to be her best friend, and yet I threw that away and I probably hurt her badly at a time when she needed me the most.

I was going to argue why I acted this way but that's a cop-out, there is no real justification for what I did. I am a worthless human being, maybe that is why I am suffering like I am, it just that old idea of what goes around comes around and I must suffer for what I have done. And OK what I did wasn't terrible but it was bad enough, but I know if someone did to me what I did to her it would really hurt me.

Maybe it's just tiredness talking but I can't help but feel that all I have done so far in my life is cause others hurt and stress. I just can't do anything right and I'm stuck, I felt this way when I was 13 and nothing much has changed except my age. I still have no self-confidence or self-worth and I still can't believe that I will ever amount to anything in this world. The thing is I just don't understand this world, I have no knowledge or understanding of anything. I become obsessive about things, I can never just let anything go I have to carry it around and let it fester within me. I know that I am stuck within a frame of thinking that isn't healthy and yet I don't think that I have the courage or ability to change it.

I will say one last thing, if nothing else I am tired of being this way, and I guess that is a good sign as maybe it means I am finally ready to do something about it. I almost want to make a promise that I will only post positive things here from now on, but I think that may end up with me only posting intermittently or not at all. But that would mean that I would go back to the old way of keeping this bottled up. At least if I write here I feel like I am telling someone else but that in itself makes me feel guilty, as what right do I have to spout this feeble nonsense when there are others in this world going through worse times than me.

There is nothing really that bad about my life except for my own inability to face up to and deal with the random nonsense that my brain seems to take as concrete fact. And I don't mean to belittle (?) agoraphobia, and I do know that it is a very difficult thing to over come, but I can't help but get annoyed at myself for ending up this way. Looking at my life from an objective point of view I can't see the reason behind my problems, maybe it is just that my brain got wired wrong and I then made matters worse by my actions in my late teens.

Right I'm going to try and get some sleep now and hopefully everything will seem better in the morning, or if nothing else at least I will be able to distract my brain from these thoughts.

You Learn Something Everyday

And I have learnt that for some unknown reason I no longer want to sleep during the night. So i sleep through the day, I think I have reset my body clock to another continent and fixing it is a real hassle as it really involves staying awake through the whole day and then going to sleep at a more normal time. the only problem with this is that when I have been awake for about 24 hours I tend to fall asleep mainly due to the fact that I lie down for a while and before you know it I'm asleep for the next four or five hours, and nothing can wake me up.
But in some respects I may be lucky today, as my ear is full of wax and gets really uncomfortable when I lie down, and as it's a Sunday I can't really do anything about it except resort to the old fashioned method of putting warm olive oil in my ear. Which has to be the weirdest thing ever mainly because you have to heat it in a spoon and it just looks weird. And I know that there are chemical solutions to it, but to be honest they really freak me out and sometimes the old ways are the best. But I will have to wait and see about that. But if my ear is still like this come Monday I will have to get them syringed which is the weirdest thing ever, it just feels so strange and your eyes really hurt when it's being done.
But I think that's enough waffling for today, I really doubt that I will be going for a walk today but who knows maybe I will.

PS. sorry if this doesn't make any sense or if there's a load of spelling mistakes but I have been awake for nearly ten hours straight and I only had three hours sleep yesterday, and at least I'm not spouting the usual nonsense that I tend to say when I'm sleep deprived. Sorry waffling again!

..........

So I wasn't going to post anything else tonight but after reading through various notebooks and journals I decided that I wanted to post something that I wrote about seven or eight years ago but is still relevant today and is something that I should remember.

Will you remember to relax and keep breathing as it will help you to cope with the stresses and strains of daily life. No matter what you think things are not that bad and could definitely be worse than they are at the moment.
Remember that whatever life throws at you, you can cope with it and bounce back with more knowledge and confidence than you had before it began.
Life is a set of trials testing your power to cope with things that may go wrong and if you are strong enough everything will turn out fine in the end.
MOST IMPORTANTLY YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE ONE OF A KIND.

Actually there were quite a few things that made me step back and think, this was another:
I think that you do some of your best and worst thinking late at night when everyone else is asleep in their beds. You seem to gain some clarity to your thoughts but you also lose the protection that you have during the day. I’ll try and explain, in the day time you censor your thoughts and don’t allow certain ones to be concentrated on, but at night you lose that ability and the thoughts that you censor during the day come back and you concentrate only on them.
Without the acknowledgement of these thoughts you live in a fake world. And although it hurts you have to know that these thoughts exist because they are a part of you and who you are.
And it is still correct even now.
The final thing that appealed to me was the fact that when I was 13/14 I started to write a play. Now that in itself is quite a weird thing to do but what really amazed me was the fact that I included detailed stage directions. So the characters were leaving stage left with sad looks in their eyes and things like that. The only reason I can think of as to why I even attempted was that it coincided with me reading Shakespeare. But it just made me laugh as at the moment I am really struggling to write stories and yet when I was young I attempted to write a play, and OK I didn't get very far with it, not even a scene, but I still tried.

I think I must have been quite a random teenager!

Just A Short Post

I have done nothing exciting today, I didn't even manage to go for a walk. But then again I did spend most of the day asleep and it was windy, and for some reason I can't walk in the wind, I end up finding it hard to breathe if the wind is in my face.
Anyway, I doubt that I will be doing anything tomorrow either except for curling up into a very small ball and feeling sorry for myself. So, just the usual routine.

Another Day

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, which is why I didn't post anything. But today whilst being pretty similar, except for the fact that I went for the furthest walk so far, has left me feeling guilty about my situation.
The thing is that today (well the 30th, just realised it is after midnight) was my Grans 90th birthday and to celebrate my entire family are going out to lunch with her on Saturday. So my parents and brother along with my aunt, uncle, two cousins their partners and children are all going but because of my agoraphobia I can't go and I feel so guilty about it. I mean I love my Gran but I haven't actually seen her for four maybe five years as within that time I have gone through depression twice and become agoraphobic and she has become unable to visit us, as the 80 mile trip is just a bit too much for her. And I just can't help but feel bad about it, as I am her granddaughter and I should be there with the rest of the family celebrating but instead I will be spending the day sitting at home on my own. I mean I am going to phone her on Sunday and I did give her a special present, a cushion that I had made and decorated with panels which reflected all the important things in her life.
And in thinking about how long it had been since I saw my Gran I realised that it had been ten years since I had seen one of my cousins and six years since I saw the other. And that just seems really ridiculous. We aren't a close family but it does make me realise how little I actually see of people who should be part of my life. I don't even know if they have ever been told about my problems or if they just assume that I am not making any effort. And I know that I could have phoned them or something but that would be like phoning a random stranger and conducting a conversation with them. I haven't even met my cousins wife, never mind his two year old son. On the plus side I have met my other cousins husband and son but not her two year old daughter. I almost feel that I don't really have a part within this family. And it really does sadden me and makes me feel so guilty that I am trapped within my little area and have made little or no progress forward.
Why must I be so pathetic? I did have the chance to fix all these problems and I ruined it. The psychologist that I saw really put himself out, he would actually come to my house and take me out in his car, which isn't something that you would really expect from a NHS therapist. But I just didn't take the help. I pushed to the point where he just couldn't afford to spend any more time trying to help me. But to be fair to myself there were personal reasons behind that, which were to do with the fact that I felt there was pressure from my parents to get better quickly, and there were reasons for that which I don't feel able to go into here.
The truth is that it won't be an easy road to get better but it will be even harder if I don't actually try to do anything. I mean at the back of my mind is the fact that I MUST be able to go for long journeys in the car and deal with strangers by 2010, otherwise I will have to be a permanent fixture in the house I'm in at the moment. And somehow I don't think that the next occupants would really like to take me on with the house! Unless I learned how to cook and clean and then I could be a live in maid, which may be a bonus for them but somehow I don't see that happening. The idea of me being a part of the conditions for someone coming into the house does strike me as really amusing, as I wonder if it would mean that I got to choose who they were rather than the congregation ( yeah my dad's a minister and the house comes with the job, and he got chosen by the congregation, so the next minister would be the same). But I doubt that would be the case, so I have to fix myself or get help to fix myself but it just seems so scary. Even though I really hate to admit it, in some ways I am comfortable in my situation and I suppose that I don't want it to change as I'm so scared as to what the future will hold.
But I think that I have gone on for long enough tonight, and well tomorrow is another day!

A Random Story Part Two

Here's the second and final part of that story,

She kept no-one near her, she built up the brick wall that surrounded her, reinforced by steel plates and concrete so that no-one could ever break it down leaving her secure within the tower that she had built. People had tried to scale the walls and break them down and sometimes they got through the perimeter but when they stood there and were faced by the reinforced steel bunker that contained the true person they couldn't face the task and just walked away back to the outer walls where things were normal and they didn't have to prove themselves.
But this was no surprise to her, she never expected anyone to want to get to the core of her and even if they did she would never let them, she would push them until they gave up and walked away, another broken friendship littering the ground that she surveyed. She always felt that she never needed these people; she was strong enough to cope on her own. She never understood why she should rely on someone who would just let her down and cause her pain, when she could lock herself away and save herself the heartbreak and the hurt.
She was never happier than when she was alone in the world just her and her mask and no-one wanting to talk to her or share with her their pain without being willing to listen to her. However there was a part of her buried deep that craved the easy friendship of someone who would listen in return and who would hold her close through the long dark nights. But this part was buried along with the other feelings that dealt with people, she wanted to survive as she was, she didn’t have the strength to cope with the thoughts of others and the needs that dwelt within her. She believed herself to be the strong independent person who never needed another person as they would just let her down and fill up the room in her mind with more thoughts that would prey on her.
But sitting there cross-legged on her bed she couldn’t help but feel that things would have to change one day. That sooner or later, if she did nothing the deception that she lived with would overcome everything else and she would never be able to fully recover herself to the person that she could be. As within her there was the promise of a person who was worthwhile and who was valuable and sometimes she realised this and made a list of all her positive aspects but the daemons that resided within her would always ridicule these thoughts and as quick as the positives had come the negatives would appear and push everything else out of the way.
She picked up the knife and watched as it reflected the light onto the lilac walls, holding it firmly in her right-hand she felt the weight as it lay there, feeling the conflicting emotions that passed through her as she considered the options for that night.
As she place the cold flat of the blade against her skin she realised that the demanding need had gone and that just by thinking about who she was she had overcome the problems for that night, and as she sat there she felt a small part of the mask fall away and at the corner of her eye a tear formed on her true skin and she smiled at the feeling of the warm wetness against her skin. And with that she replaced the knife back in its plastic case and placed it back into the drawer where it was kept. And as she lay down, wrapped up within the warmth of the cover with her teddy caught up in her hand she realised that she had just made the first step on the road back to the world, and although she knew that the road would be long and twisting she felt able for the first time to contemplate actually walking along it without turning back and facing up to the monsters and obstacles that lay hidden along the path.

The News for today.

Well today was one of those days where I seemed to swing from being happy to being sad or annoyed. I got the results back from my last TMA (tutor marked assignment) and I was pleasantly surprised at how well I did. I got my highest mark so far in the course and so that led me to feel happy, but then the mood swung down again and I don't really know why. I think it was just one of those things.
But I did manage to go out for a walk and to walk the same distance as I did yesterday so I am pleased with myself, as long as I can keep going and actually manage to walk everyday this week then I will be quite proud of myself, but then again who knows what this week will hold and so I'm not going to make any promises as to what I will try to achieve.

A Random Story

This is the first part of a story that I wrote in the small hours of the night, it does reflect who I am to an extent but it was easier to write it as a story in the third person. Sorry that it is long and I will post the second part at a later date.

The knife sat on the bed the light from the solitary lamp catching the sharp edge as she contemplated what to do. Should she pick it up and allow the edge to glide through her fragile skin drawing the blood to the surface, her soul singing as the pain coursed through her body allowing her to forget the emotions that were threatening to engulf her. Or should she go with them, allow the feelings to develop so that they could be dealt with and then cast away. But she was tired exhausted of always facing up to the same old things, she knew that the knife would win and that the number of cuts would grow once again.
Ever since she was a child she had locked all her feelings up, bottling them up and placing them on a long shelf situated in the room that was found in the darkest recesses of her mind, before locking the door and removing the small silver key and throwing it behind her into the ocean of confusion within her. Each emotion had its own colour, red for anger, green for jealousy, yellow for frustration, russet for regret. All placed haphazardly except for the one bottle which was placed carefully onto the shelf, protected and polished, a treasured thing as it contained the happiness that she would release a little at a time so the purple hue would fill her mind and obliterate all other thoughts and feelings.
The blue bottle filled with sadness and the black one filled with depression were separate from the rest, they were placed within their own box made of steel and they would strain and warp in her hands as she forced them in. Capturing them in a place that meant that for a while she could escape from them.
She would top the bottles up each day, or whenever the feelings occurred. But the first bottles soon filled so more were created, and then more and more, until the room was filled with bottles piled up, each creaking and groaning as the emotions tried to push the wooden stopper out. The only way to fit more feelings in was to open the door an inch and the just throw the feeling in before quickly slamming the door hoping that none had escaped. But as was always the case some did and she found them invading all her thoughts and not allowing her any peace until she captured and released them by either facing up to them or by catching them in her pain and releasing them out through the blood that flowed from the cuts she made.
The cuts were the only outward sign that all was not well within her mind, as she had created a mask to wear, plain white with the eyes holes cut out but not filled with the blue of hers but with the blackness of the depression that overpowered her. The mask was smooth and calm, no emotion was portrayed it was a blank canvas onto which others could project the person they wanted her to be.
The longer she wore the mask the more the smooth clean edges blended into her head, until it became who she really was, a nothing; a nobody. She allowed no-one to be around as she painted on the skin, the eyes, the mouth, the nose, creating the perfect face so they were deflected from the person behind. The shy awkward women who couldn't cope with her true emotions, the woman who struggled to comprehend the world. She let them see the painting of the woman they wanted to see who was calm and composed. But when the darkest part of the night came she found that the mask would suddenly slip and then she would be confronted by the truth of who she was. But rather than stand up and accept it she would run and hide grabbing onto the invisible edges of the mask and dragging it back into place just so she could hold her head up and face what the day had in store. And this was the time that the locked up emotions exploded out and so the knife came out and she sat and waited trying to decided what she wanted to do.

Words

I can't find the words to say what I want, I struggle to compose a complete thought. I want to be able to describe what I feel and yet it's always the same deal. It doesn't change it's always the same I just keep repeating the same old thing. Nothing changes I can't move forward, I want to continue but the moment is gone. Unless I can change things will remain the same, which is a huge shame. I want to be able to function as normal, I want to be free, to just be me. I am individual I have my own thoughts.

I don't want to compete I want to be complete.